A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage. GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.
None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
When it comes to selling cars, GM’s tanking … bad. They need help. So, who should they turn to? Toyota? BMW? How about Segway?
Yes, GM has hitched its broken wagon to Segway’s novelty star, hoping to redesign urban transportation.
They’re testing the P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility), a two-seater version of the vehicle that almost killed an American president and served as a visible punchline in The Benchwarmers and Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Still not realizing that people like cars because they run faster than bikes and horses, the P.U.M.A. is capable of a brisk 35 mph and can travel 35 miles on a single charge. (We’re not sure what its developer’s fascination is with the number 35, but we’re betting its close to the number of people who own the original.)
Just to give you an insight on how little of a clue GM really has, here’s the skinny on bonus features by their head of Research and Development, Larry Burns:
“Imagine small, nimble electric vehicles that know where other moving objects are and avoid running into them. Now, connect those vehicles in an Internet-like web and you can greatly enhance the ability of people to move through cities, find places to park and connect to their social and business networks.”
You hear that? GM thinks they can sell anything if they plug it into Twitter.
Still-president George Bush has granted $17.4 billion to GM and Chrysler. Ford was apparently told to suck it. (The Bushman is a huge fan of Degeneration X.)
To thank us, the taxpayers who funded their bailout, GM and Chrysler executives have announced that we will all receive a brand new 2009 Corvette.
That’s one for all 301,139,247* of us. To be fair, though, only 242,677,887 of us — at most — are eligible to drive it.
*Source: The CIA World Factbook, December 18, 2008.
Change is coming. New president, new drapes for the Oval Office, new tone for the presidency, and now, a new presidential limo is on its way!
Except, it’s not really a limo so much as a truck. Sort of.
GM is currently working on the new vehicle for the new Prez-elect. “Cadillac One” will be based off of the GMC Topkick, which you may remember as Ironhide from Transformers. Will this create an ethical problem that may allow GM to get a federal bailout a la AIG? Possibly, but who cares about that issue. More importantly, will this cause the Democratic party to land the all too critical sentient alien robots vote in 2012? Inquiring minds want to know.
