Woolly mammoth will return by 2019, researcher says

For years, science has been threatening us with unleashing one of our long-vanquished foes, the woolly mammoth. And luckily for humanity, it hasn’t happened yet, but it’ll be a reality by 2019.

At a conference this week, the leader of a team of  Harvard University researchers boasted that his people are just a couple years away from having a de-extinctified woolly mammoth. Much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, the mammoth wouldn’t be 100% original parts, some of the genes would have to come from a similar creature. That creature in this case is an Asian elephant. So the thing that they make will actually be a hybrid.

We killed all the woolly mammoths thousands of years ago, and we’re pretty close to finishing off the elephant population. We need to step it up to ensure this abomination is never made.

People who don’t shut up can blame genetics

Thanks to the internet, almost no one interacts with each other face-to-face anymore. Yet there are still some stubborn people who insist on being talkative no matter what. Turns out, it’s in their genes.

According to a recent study, the gene OXT may be the reason why some people just can’t shut up. They call it the “chatty gene.” The more the gene is expressed in a person, in general, the chattier they are. Scientists say this break through could lead to new medications to treat social anxiety and other disorders.

What we really need is to figure out how to turn that gene off on the person next to us so we can enjoy our flight in peace.

Scientists discover granddaddy of Europe

Artist depiction.
Artist depiction.

Here in the U.S., pretty much everyone with any European background can trace their lineage back to someone who came over on the Mayflower. In Europe, they can all look back at some caveman.

According to a new report, half of all men in Western Europe are descended from the same dude who lived 4,000 years ago. Scientists believe this “king” of sorts, rose to power in the Neolithic age, and was basically slaying anything in a bearskin skirt. He fathered an brood of ruling elite who spread across the continent.

This common ancestry can easily been seen as the reason why European nations never went to war with each other right down through history.

Drop down, gimme 50 and a ripped baby

You won't have fat kids if you're too tired to procreate.
You won’t have fat kids if you’re too tired to procreate.

After examining sperm samples before and after weight loss, it looks like it is possible for dads to pass their temporary traits at the time of conception to their children. Most notably, if you’re overweight at the time of conception, the resulting children may receive activated genes to also be overweight.

These aren’t normal genetic traits for obesity. Epigenetic markers – which effectively control how genes are turned on or off – can also be passed down through the sperm, and these are triggered by whether dad’s overweight or at a normal weight. This difference was noticeable when comparing sperm from overweight and normal weight donors, as well as from the same donor at different stages of weight loss.

So, basically, there’s fat sperm and skinny sperm. And like yogurt, the skinny sperm is probably better for you, but the fat sperm probably tastes better.

If your eyes are blue, you’re probably not sober

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, are you alcohol dependent? Now, look at the color of your eyes.

According to a recent study, if your eyes are blue, you have a higher chance of being dependent on drugs or alcohol. It’s not your eyes, it’s in your genes. Researchers found that people with blue eyes were more likely to have the gene that makes them hooked on booze, compared to those who have brown eyes.

Granted, if your eyes are red, you probably already know what you have.

Bad driving is genetic, comedians can still use this angle

Fear not humorists of the world-you might still be able to use ethnic stereotypes as bad drivers!

A new study suggests that a genetic variant may, in fact, be responsible for poor driving skills — and it’s a variant nearly one third of Americans possess.

A study at the University of California at Irvine studied the affect of a certain variant of the brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) gene on driving. The gene supports communication in the brain cells and is associated with keeping memory strong. For people with a certain variant of the BDNF gene, this process works less than optimally, and those people are less likely to recover from a stroke. Roughly 30 percent of Americans possess that less optimal variant.

But even if this genetic variant does make you a worse driver, it has certain advantages. Some studies have found that people with the variant retain greater mental sharpness when faced with neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson’s, Huntington’s and multiple sclerosis. So, you know, you’ve got that going for you.

Your parents don’t love you

***SPOILER ALERT!***

This week’s issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, scientists will reveal a study with which they determine your jeans do influence your popularity.

There’s no word, yet, as to which brands improve social standing, but this blog wears only Old Navy brand blue jeans. (Get Up & Go … to your local Old Navy store for great deals on fashionable clothes for the whole family!) We’re pretty sure scientists will corroborate our own research that skinny jeans are merely a passing fad, while boot cut relaxed fits will get you laid every time.

So, if you’re positive your parents refuse to buy you designer jeans because they’re jealous of your hair and secretly hate you: you’re absolutely right … and probably adopted.