That’s how it went, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s how it went, right? I mean, it was over 5 years ago, and my memory isn’t exactly fantastic, but those were Kanye West’s words, right?
THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!
February 25, 2010 (pronounced “twenty-ten”) the Decider, the Executioner-in-Chief, the Iraqi Hurt Locker, former two-term questionable election champion, George “Dubya” Bush will be in an “uncensored, unedited and unpredictable” “no-holds-barred” debate …
…against the Chubby Chaser, the Silver-Tongued Diablo de NAFTA, also a former two-term champion, Bill “The Inhaler” Clinton!
The event will occur at Radio City Music Hall in the Fightin’ Manhattan district of Fightin’ New York City, right under where they shoot the Fightin’ Saturday Night Live!
No rules! No cop-outs! Two elder statesmen will enter, and both will leave under heavy security!
THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!
For the U.S. the 1990s was a time of relative peace. To borrow from Dickens, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time of oral sex in executive buildings and clear colas. It was a time of grunge and it was a time of Hanson. It was a time of the wild west Internet and it was a time of Y2K fears.
History looks back on the 1990s as yet another decade of self-indulgence. It marked for many the hastening of corporations to catch on to and exploit new trends with the youth, and it was also when gold rimmed glasses were in fashion (I should know). In comparison to the troubles found before and after it, the 1990s seem almost like a party–a party where you have to wear your pants baggy.
Grab your Tamagotchi and hit the jump. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1990-1999)
Former-president George Bush finally decided he had stayed out of public for long enough, venturing out to give a little speech at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan.
In stark contrast from Cheney’s “I’m to old too old to go to prison” speech last week, Bush spoke about his decisions in the Oval Office (including torture briefly), adjusting to life in Dallas and picking up dog ####, which isn’t as macho as clearing sage. He summed up his hopeful epitaph with:
“‘The man showed up in the office with a set of principles, and he was unwilling to sacrifice his principles for the sake of popularity.'”
(Don’t worry, Mr. Bush. Your popularity was never in question.)
Confident words? Yes, but that’s because presidents don’t go to PMITA penitentiaries: that’s the VP’s only real duty.
President George Bush was one of our strongest allies in the War on Animals. He opened up sensitive habitats to infrastructure development and made sure the U.S. Navy could go about killing whales with its sonar, as it has since 1775. But President Barack Obama seems to be working against us.
Obama is undoing some of the good that Bush did. Yesterday our new president overturned a rule in the Endangered Species Act letting federal agencies skip asking scientists if something can be built in an area where such species call home. In plain English, it means the agencies could sign off on projects without checking to see if it might hurt some of our beastly foes.
Don’t let this stop you, developers. We can always get this overturned in the courts. Besides, if that doesn’t work we can just buy off the scientists. You know, the same ones who say global warming is a sham.
Muntadher al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George Bush and spurred some of the greatest animated GIFs in Internet history, explained in court why he did it: “the former American leader’s ‘bloodless and soulless smile’ and his joking banter provoked him.”
“Soulless” … “sole-less” … Shoes have soles. Bush’s smile need a airborne-helping of sole.
Also, had the shoe hit his lip, it would have bloodied his smile, too. It’s a pun about how Iraq needs more blood donors. Very highbrow and socially-conscious, like a Victor Borge performance.
There are some days when you can make up plenty of stuff. The entire Bush administration. The last three years or so of when Enron still existed. The McCarthy Hearings. The O.J. Simpson murder trial.
And then there are some days when you can’t make something up, but it still makes you think that it’s made up. Like, when you see a headline that states “7-11s were robbed by a man holding a Star Trek sword”, you know that’ll be your headline of the day, no question.
Much of the U.S. is in a cold snap right now, with wind chills dipping across the continent to less than 0 degrees Fahrenheit. This has taken the country completely off guard because it’s winter time, which means temperatures in the 30s followed by days in the 60s. Remember though, global warming is a myth those hippies are selling. Don’t buy it. If you were taking an unexpected dip in the Hudson River this week, odds are you missed it.
No more Bush
President George Bush (who somehow dropped the W. in news references in late 2001) gave his last press briefing this week, one in which he outlined his presidency, and for the first time in the White House (though he has admitted to it many times in press interviews the past few months) that he regrets the “Mission Accomplished” sign. That was one of the big ones. OK, we get that one, but there were a few other biguns in there. If only I could remember two dozen or so.
The application Steve Jobs has unexpectedly quit
Citing health reasons, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said he would temporarily step down from his position. Jobs is credited with growing the company to roughly four or five times the size it was in the first part of the decade. He credits the success to hard work, innovation and an unending ad campaign conditioning the masses to pay exorbitant amounts of cash for something cool. Jobs claims health problems as his reason to step down, but really it’s just that he wants to use a computer that actually closes a program when you “X out” of it.
Did it just get warmer in here?
In FOX’s long, long battle on our eardrums, the latest season of American Idol debuted this week. The opening episodes are usually fun because you can watch the people who really, really suck act like they don’t know it already and are just trying to get themselves on television so they can promote their Web site. But one surprise contestant sang and stripped. Casey Carlson apparently can not only sing a few bars, she can also model bikinis with the best of them. She showed off both talents during his audition. Randy was the only one who cared.
Oh, Internet news sites. You’ve let me down again.
Look, I don’t expect too much out of you, CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and et al. I get it: you don’t really understand how the Internet already shares common knowledge through Snopes and Fark.
But, somebody on news editing staffs must know that prejudice and pseudoscience are not newsworthy, no matter who it’s about. They know this, yet they give the go-ahead to articles like the Associated Press’s January 11th inauguration filler, “With Obama, many say bye-bye to the boomer generation.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your generation sucks
One quick note: MasterChugs Theater will now be on Thursday evenings instead of Fridays. I’m a power-hungry animal that wants my way and no one puts me in the corner. On to the review!
With Step Brothers, Will Ferrell seems to be intentionally setting up a target for critics who have lambasted him reusing a man-child persona in most of his roles. In this movie, Ferrell’s character Brennan is as dumb as his version George W. Bush (ironic given how the movies starts), as enthusiastic as a Spartan cheerleader, as convinced of his own importance as Ron Burgundy and as obsessed with toys as Buddy the Elf. And, to prove that you shouldn’t fix it if it ain’t broke, Step Brothers is hilarious, an ode to the adolescent that lives within us all but takes human form in Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Step Brothers’