When I was in sixth grade, my friend Michael explained to me that there were supposed to be more than just three Star Wars movies. His uncle worked at Industrial Lights and Magic, and was involved in the animation of the light sabers and blasters. He explained that the reason the original (and then, the only) trilogy had episode titles was that George Lucas had a master plan for trilogies to take place before and after the movies we knew.
Less than a decade later, the world had three new Star Wars films to enjoy. They weren’t worth the wait, but that didn’t stop fans from keeping up their appetites for more. When The Phantom Menace was released, everyone hoped the next one would be better, then they hoped the third one would be the prequel they had dreamed of. It didn’t happen that way.
Perhaps it’s time we stop getting so excited about Star Wars. Continue reading
If you’re of the Catholic persuasion, then you know that we are one week deep into Lent.
For everyone else: every year, shortly after Valentine’s Day, the Almighty decides that he’s tired of putting in all the work into this relationship — including that freaky four-way with his son and a ghost we asked for. After Mardis Gras, God sobers up and turns into the princess from A Knight’s Tale and asks us to prove our love by giving up something we love for 40 days.
I, for instance, gave up the slide whistle this year, which means 40 days of stern erections: a price my wife will just have to pay. In prior years, I’ve given up monologuing in the shower, checking my tissues for productive noseblowings and Chalupas because
- It has to be something difficult to live without. (I ate nothing but Gorditos in 1998 to keep to my non-Chalupa agreement.)
- It can’t be a repeat.
But, you don’t have to be Catholic to participate. In fact, Muslims have their own version, Ramadan, while Evangelical Protestants swear off of gay sex for their entire lives — which often leads to failure for extending it beyond the Lent season.
It is in this Christian spirit that I’ve prescribed some Lent suggestions to others. Who knows? Maybe it will change their lives permanently for the better. Continue reading
In 2008, Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy.
2011: Duke Nukem Forever.
And now, slated for 2012: Lucasfilm will finally release George Lucas’ World War II dream project, Red Tails. Always the “next movie” Lucas promised after every turd that came out since 1988, Red Tails is the story of the Tuskegee Airman, the first African American fighter squadron and also holders of a near-perfect escort record.
What’s next? Flash Gordon 2? Maybe our uncles will finally get us the bikes they promised us for letting them watch us bathe.
Most people, I think, have some sort of unhealthy habit. Whether they admit it or not, everyone has some trait, activity or habit that they take to the extreme. Now, I doubt very much that most people can relate to the love of Star Wars that the characters in Fanboys have. But, everyone has an obsession, don’t they? Some people are clean freaks, some people love dogs, and, well, some people love a series of movies about space drama. Continue reading
You know, considering the events of last year, I really thought we had turned a new page in America, that hate was to become a thing of the past.
But now there are not one, but two movies in theaters about the indiscriminate killing of Nazis. There’s Valkyrie, of course, and now there’s Defiance. This winter, it is a veritable holocaust of German fascists on the silver screen.
I wish I could say I expect more out of Hollywood, but I can’t. We have a long, inexcusable past when it comes to bigoted depictions of Nazis in our film history, starting with Casablanca to The Incredible Mr. Limpet to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Continue reading
Kids, we know you love Barack Obama right now. You’ve got the Obama bedsheets, the Obama action figures and playsets — including the Hillary doll your dog chewed up — and a lifetime membership in the Barack Obama Fan Club. (Your pin and stickers are in the mail.)
Yep, you think you’re always gonna love this year’s blockbuster hero. But there is a dark and sinister force looming on the horizon …
George Lucas has declared Obama to be the “hero” “for all of us that have dreams and hope.”
So, enjoy Obama while you can. In 20 years, Lucas will undoubtably make a horrible sequel or prequel with bad dialogue and annoying CGI.
The worst part is that when you’ll say these new movies aren’t as good as the original Obama, your peers will tell you that the original Obama was this bad — you just didn’t notice because you were a kid.
In keeping with this week’s theme of love, whether it is love of the New England Patriots, movies or Shaquille O’Neal, I’m looking at what those stories and plenty of others hint at: fairy tale love.
Live Science reported on theoretical studies about fairy tales, the purpose of these being to find out if their plot devices are physically possible.
- A prince could scale Rapunzel’s tower, so long as she tied her trusses to a support beam first.
- Ariel (a.k.a. the Little Mermaid) could have her voice blocked with a transplant that bends sound waves, rendering them inaudible.
- A carpet can fly if air vibrates at the right frequency.