Tag: george washington

The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17

If you were out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day over the weekend, I’ll do my best to write as quietly as possible. I’d even recommend that you turn down the brightness on your screen. You went out and celebrated the approximate date of birth of a Scot who spread Catholicism to the Irish. Any saint would want you to celebrate them by committing a mortal sin by hoisting a glass or eight.

The other big way to celebrate is by dressing somewhat Irish. I dress in relation to occasion for every holiday. At Christmas, I wear a Santa Claus hat, at Valentine’s Day, I wear nothing but a diaper and shoot pink-tipped arrows at passers-by, and on Arbor Day I stand motionless outside from a long time.

But there are other ways to go about celebrating St. Paddy’s Day. For the Boston Police, it’s all about breaking out the paddy wagon (which has to be deemed a racist term by now). Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17

The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

This country has enemies–there’s no secret about that. But there is one enemy America has had as long as it has existed. I am speaking of course, about England.

Sure, we are now great allies and enjoy a special diplomatic relationship with our former mother country, but just like with a great friendship, everyone has their spats. For most of the world, it’s easy to hate the English, because they have colonized, waged war against, or simply subjugated for centuries.

So when the U.S. soccer team played England on Saturday, I, like so many other Americans, watched my first soccer game, and pretended I was excited about it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

Washington: ‘I cannot pay a fine’

When it comes to U.S. history, George Washington comes off as a pretty OK guy:

  • When life gave him a cherry tree, he made firewood.
  • At his first opportunity, he chose to attack the French rather than accept their immediate surrender.
  • He managed to outright not lose to the British.
  • He kept our new nation afloat for its first eight years, then left office voluntarily.
  • He stole New York City property from the public library.

That’s right: Washington checked out a copy of The Law of Nations by Emer de Vattel on October 5, 1789 and never intended to return it. In fact, it was kept a guarded secret by–we presume–the Freemasons until The New York Daily News blew the lid off of this conspiracy.

After 221 years, $300,000 and a backlog of unknown length on the waiting list, Washington’s pet historians have finally coughed up a replacement copy for the library, presumably because Washington doodled boobs and penises in the margins of the original.

Take it from Snee: And go cry home to mama

Look at that: she can't even grow that middle part of her mustache.I normally stay out of the affairs of other countries, especially when it concerns cultural taboos. I mean, I live in a state where it’s illegal to see a stripper’s vagina … unless I take her home. (The industry refers to this as a “to-go box.”) And even when I get her there, I have to churn it all Amish-style, because vibrators are contraband. So, who am I to talk, right?

But, every now and then, one of the hundred or so non-American nations out takes a stance so ludicrous that I have to take notice.

Iran–surprise, surprise–arrested several college students who were protesting their current government. All in all, it’s a normal day at the University of Couscous Online, except that, according to police, these students tore up and burned pictures of current Ayatollah Khamenei and founding Ayatollah Khomeini.

Why would I care? It’s not like I turned my Twitter avatar green or scan Fox News for any excuse to invade Middle Eastern countries. However, I, too, have a little history with “graven images.”

There’s something I learned not too long ago: pictures aren’t real. The camera doesn’t steal your soul, and Back to the Future is impossible. (Not because it’s a movie, but because the paradox that time travel creates makes fourth dimensional regression physically difficult.)

So, if someone attaches that much importance to any picture, they’re retarded. And if they attach that importance to a picture of themselves, then you could drown them with a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

It is with these people in mind that I present the following gallery: You’re an Idiot, Now Go Cry Home to Mama. Continue reading Take it from Snee: And go cry home to mama