Alien found riding shotgun during traffic stop

When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.

In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.

Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.

Vegetarian attacks chicken truck, is veggie-fascism on the rise?

Vegetarians walk among us with impunity, because there is something deeply wrong with society. These are people who willingly gave up eating bacon cheeseburgers so that bacon and cheeseburgers wouldn’t be killed in their name. Sometimes they even break the law to help out animals.

In Georgia, a vegetarian woman told authorities that she hit a chicken truck simply because it was a truck carrying chickens. According to authorities, the 26-year-old woman had been drinking when she saw the chicken truck and drove into it with her own car, then hit it again for good measure. No one was injured, and the woman left the scene of the accident. She was tracked down because her license plate fell off at the scene of the crime. She was arrested and charged.

This incident highlights something this blog has been saying for years: vegetarians are dangerous and mean real harm to our democracy. They cannot be engaged in civil discussion because they push an ideology not based in reality, and they are frequently violent. We must challenge and shout down these alt-meat thugs.

You can’t afford to be bigoted

"I'm fired. But who cares? I'm still rich."
“I’m fired. But who cares? I’m still rich.”

It’s important to remember that, while Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination after categorically suspecting Mexicans of rape and drug trafficking and Muslims of terrorism, he still hasn’t gotten the job of president. He can still blow the second half of the interview by failing to convince enough Americans that he didn’t somehow mean all of that in a racist or bigoted way.

Even more importantly: whether he wins the election or not, Trump will be OK. Even if most of the country thinks he’s a racist, he has enough money — possibly even untaxed money — to say and do racist things. He will be able to retire to any segregated (emphasis on “gated”) community once this is all said and done, safe from the half of the country he’s alternately insulting and paying lip-service to right now.

So, please keep this in mind when you’re about to post something on social media that Trump would say. Ask yourself: “Can I afford to post this?” Because an elementary school teacher’s aide in Georgia and the mayor of West York, Pennsylvania just learned that, no, they can’t afford it and will most likely need to seek out new careers.

Neo-Nazis throw meat, sausages at vegans

There's no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.
There’s no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.

They say that America has a culture of violence. Luckily, we don’t need to worry about the kind of attacks citizens of Tbilisi, Georgia felt recently.

According to reports, the Kiwi Cafe, a vegan restaurant has hosting an English-language movie night when a group of Neo-Nazi thugs burst in and started throwing meat, sausages and fish at patrons. Vegans must not be too welcome in the nation of Georgia, because when the fight spilled out into the streets, the restaurant’s neighbors began attacking the vegans, rather than the Neo-Nazis.

The real question is if it’s vegans vs. Nazis, who do you root for?

World peace through food comas

Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.
Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.

How far beyond improvement is Burger King’s food? It’s so unsalvageable that they’d rather tackle world peace. But, don’t worry, defense contractors: they’re trying to solve it with their and other fast food restaurants’ sh*tty burgers, so war should remain profitable for a very long time.

Burger King originally planned to partner with McDonald’s to commemorate (read: crassly cross-promote) the UN’s Peace Day. But, McDonald’s passed on their McWhopper bid, seeing that, as bad as their own image is these days, they’re still not Burger King. So, Burger King instead partnered with five other restaurants to ironically create the world’s first weaponized hamburger.

Their design combines elements of the Whopper, Denny’s Bacon Slamburger, Krystal’s cheese Krystal, and whatever the f*ck Wayback’s Wayback Classic and Giraffas’ Brutus are. It’s truly the C-list of burger joints grilling the F-grade of meat.

So far, it does not look like anybody will sell this atrocity to the public. Rather than profit from the war crime of food, they’re giving it away to Georgia Tech students. So, if anybody’s looking for the epicenter of the E. coli outbreak that locks the world’s armies in the john, you’re welcome.

Moonshine tastes like air freshener, apparently

A Georgia man came home from one night to an unwelcome surprise: his estranged wife was sitting there in his house. But he didn’t have the worst surprise of the night.

The woman told her husband that she had grabbed a plastic bottle of moonshine labeled “apple cinnamon” from underneath his sink (apparently that’s where you keep the hootch), and started to feel dizzy after she drank some of it. Her husband then told her that it wasn’t moonshine. She had drunk car air freshener. She was rushed to the hospital.

For the record, it’s a lot easier to rhyme “turpentine” than “car air freshener.”

Georgia lawmaker introduces anti-monster bill

Many people don’t know this, but Georgia is being overrun by mad scientists seeking to create monsters that they can unleash on the world. But luckily, they have at least one state lawmaker who isn’t afraid to take a stand.

State Rep. Tom Kirby has introduced a bill that would bar researchers from creating a hybrid embryo using genetic material from humans and animals. Kirby wants to make sure that no one creates a mermaid, centaur or werewolf. He said if they are naturally occurring monsters, that’s fine, but we don’t need to make them ourselves.

Depressing part of Georgia can be yours! Act now!

Not to be outdone by foreigners, a piece of America and popular fiction can be yours for under three quarters of a cool million. Of course, saying it’s a part of popular fiction might be stretching it a little.

The it in question is Grantville, Georgia, appropriated by Robert Kirkman, creator of The Walking Dead, as the hometown of Rick Grimes, main protagonist of said comic and show. The former mayor, Jim Sells, has put the downtown section of the town for sale. The scenery was used for an episode of the show!

While yes, it’s just the downtown area and not the entire town itself, isn’t it better to own than rent?

Woman with MS suing city thanks to Dr. Love

No matter where you live, there’s probably some backwards, totally archaic ordinance that looms over your town. Charlotte, a bustling and thriving city with an airport, has a noise ordinance that takes effect after 10:30 pm. My current city has an ordinance requiring bars to hire security based off how many people can be in the bar. My hometown has a no washing mules on the side walks ordinance (it’s a real hindrance). And in Sandy Springs, a prescription is required to have a sex toy.

While it should surprise no one that a city in Georgia is less than progressive, it was odd to Melissa Davenport. Davenport, suffering from multiple sclerosis, has had breakthroughs in being able to feel sensations with back massagers neck warmers LONG JOHN’S KONG DONG something that can be bought at Spencer’s Gifts.

According to Davenport, sex toys saved her marriage and that’s why she’s suing Sandy Springs to have the ordinance be found unconstitutional. A nobler lawsuit there has never been.

Robbing Waffle House requires less and less these days

It’s been said once and it’s been said again: nothing good typically happens at Waffle House.

Yes, given the price you pay, the food quality isn’t that bad. However, your experience is almost always interrupted by something odd. Perhaps it’s a naked couple, an overweight rapper, gang violence, adultery or even bees … and that’s just in the parking lot. Venture inside and you could be an unwilling participant in a robbery.

But will the potential device of your demise be bullets? A knife? Baseball bat? In Norcross, Georgia, it may just be a pitchfork. We look forward to the eventual days of when a man comes in, uses the vocal threat of violence and then runs off with the cash register. Truly words will be weapons.