Dentists are bad people and they should feel bad

Dentists are a bunch of jerk. There are only two kinds of people that enjoy going to the dentist: masochists and other masochists. Even other dentists hate going to the dentist.

That’s why it should be no surprise that a dentist is scaring kids. Well, outside of it normally happening.

A billboard advertising a prosthodontics service shows the benefits of the treatment (think going from The Walking Dead to The Smiling Alive). Apparently, the parents of a Georgia daycare must be in a great need of new teeth, as the billboard was placed right next to the daycare. This has caused the kids to be slightly more fearful of living in the state of Georgia than normally. Worse, it’s prevented some of the kids from wanting to partake in recess.

This shall not stand! No child should ever deny himself the greatest of all classroom periods: recess! Take down that billboard and place it somewhere else, advertisers! I’m sure there’s somewhere in Norcross, much less the entire state, that could benefit from it.

Be on the lookout for the sight of ice thawing, scent of chicken thawing

It ain’t easy being a criminal out there these days. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, or at least, a man-eat-chicken wing world, but with chicken wing prices rising (I know, I shed tear for that news too), soon we’ll have content ourselves by eating just the chicken feet (which are surprisingly tasty, unless you’re my mom and we’re in Chinatown).

Atlanta, Georgia, saw its own horror rise up, as two men stole 65 thousand dollars worth of Tyson chicken wings right from a cold storage facility. The pair were captured, but the location of the wings remains unknown. Also unknown is why they took the snack food. Were they throwing a party? Opening a restaurant? Trying to create an artificial shortage of chicken wings in the Atlanta area? The world may never know.

The Guys couldn’t possibly imagine what 65 thousand dollars worth of chicken wings looks like. Heaven? Hell? Death? Probably yes to all three.

Tyler Perry’s Madea Gets Trapped In a Fire

Atlanta is burning once more.

Tyler Perry Studios, the home base of the titular man’s work, caught fire late Monday.

Again. That’s right, it’s not the first time a fire broke out in the studios.

Luckily, no one was hurt, but the real crime that happened was more damage to the work of Tyler Perry. Because that’s … because … it’s just … it’s just so … bad.

Pint-sized terror on lockdown

There’s another threat we’ve been trumpeting about for years, and that is children. Children below the age of seven, in particular. They fly below radar, eat sand and we won’t go into the darnedest things they say. That’s why we applaud the Milledgeville Police Department for handcuffing an unruly, crying 6-year-old before transporting her to jail.

According to the report, police responded to a call about Creekside Elementary kindergartner, Salecia Johnson, who had torn stuff off the wall and knocked over furniture. Police found her in the principal’s office, where she continued her spree by jumping on a paper shredder and biting the doorknob. Even though she could not operate the door, the police officer handcuffed her after she “resisted arrest.” (The report does not state whether the officer used regular handcuffs or specialty child-sized ones from Claires.)

See? This is what happens when you don’t allow exorcisms in public schools.

Coughing apparently a body-slammable offense in Georgia

Last month, we told you that cupcakes were an offense of the highest level at airports. However, that’s just at airports on the ground. In the skies, there’s even worse.


Patrick White, a 31 year old man from Georgia, has been charged with misdemeanor battery. IN THE AIR (which is almost as funny to use to end sentences with as ‘in the butt’ and ‘in bed’). On a flight to Florida, White allegedly began harassing a teenage girl over her illness. Seeing as how she wouldn’t comply with his demands and his down-home treatment of belittling her and using obscenities in public didn’t work this time, he made the only logical action that could be made when in the air: He charged her and body-slammed the girl.

It’s probably a tough-love, local treatment from where he comes from like castor oil.

Business venture with a sour taste

Capitalism is one of the things that makes this country rich great. Who doesn’t have fond memories of their first steps into the capitalist world by setting up a lemonade stand without a business permit, locating it on property not zoned for commercial use, selling a product consumers could make themselves, and refusing to pay its employees hourly wages?

That way, you get to learn that you need an investor, and that you really shouldn’t make your friends business partners. But three girls in Georgia were treated to a less-common lesson in capitalism when a couple robbed them of the $130 they had raised to donate to a sick child for medical treatment.

That, children, is the lesson of “never open a business without a security guard or lawyer present, because the bastards out there want to take your money and never look back.”

(The alleged lemonade stand thieves were arrested.)

Fangs a lot, jerks

They’ve had enough and they won’t take it anymore!

Sadly, the “they” in question are our enemies. Bats have invaded a piece of history in Tifton, Georgia. And they are legion. It’s being reported that more than a thousand of the winged rodents have taken over a house in the historic district (I have a good feeling the address somehow has the word “peach” in it). Residents say that the smell is overwhelming, and thanks to the weight of the guano, floors are sagging. A diabolical biological attack, that’s for sure.

Didn’t Georgia burn once before, or something like that? I’m not endorsing arson, but a punishment of some sort might be in order for the South allowing this to happen.

Because fake fake oral innuendo costs too much?

If this were Jeopardy, that would be the answer to “Why would someone bother to buy a fake Shake Weight.”

However, such luxuries like a flea market’s equivalent to the wrist-sliding exercise (hers, not yours) machine are, alas, often fleeting. Thousands of knock-offs, imported from China, were discovered at the Savannah, Georgia border (that’s quite a journey they’ve made). No word has been given by the officials at the U.S. Customs and Border Protection regarding the status of the counterfeit fetish exercise equipment, but like most counterfeit fetish exercise equipment, we suspect it’ll be marked with a big stamp stating “RETURN TO SENDER-C.O.D.”

‘Gun-owners need not apply’

We’ve discussed guns in this space before. Americans have a right to them, and private businesses have a right to refuse service to anyone they choose … if they’re willing to make us leave.

Since open-carry proponents’ boycott of Starbucks isn’t working, the our brothers in Georgia have almost passed a law to allow privately-owned guns in non-secure areas of the airport. You know, the lobby to the place where it’s illegal to carry bottled water and pocket knives?

According to one of the lawmakers, State Rep. Tim Bearden, “Posting a metal sign that says ‘Gun-Free Zone’ is not going to stop a terrorist or any criminal intent on doing harm to law-abiding citizens.”

And Bearden’s right. A terrorist could pull a gun at the Delta counter. Or in the parking lot. Or in the men’s room when we’re just looking for a handie.

That’s why we need armed private citizens patrolling our airports for other armed private citizens. And to expedite this recruitment, we shouldn’t waste time with bothersome tests like in, say, law enforcement, airport security, anti-terrorist operations, the ability to use said weapon or basic logic.

Sea cows would make good moving targets

More than 50 years ago, the U.S. Navy hunted for German U-boats while taking 0n the might of Japanese naval forces. Today, the Navy is going up against another foe: sea animals. We know that the battle between dolphins and whales seems to be won, but what about manatee?

In Florida, the waters off of Pensacola Naval Air Station and near other military bases in the region have long been training grounds for our aviators, submarines, destroyers and cruisers. But now the hippies at the U.S Fish and Wildlife Service want to expand a protected manatee habitat into this area.

Here’s an idea, let the manatee come, lull them into a false sense of security in their new home, then commence with the target practice.