Tag: gerbils

We need to keep their numbers down

It’s spring time, and that means only one thing: doing it in public. (No, not you, SG will not endorse your risky and technically illegal fornication.) Animals. They are doing it everywhere and in full view of the public.

In China, gerbils are doing it way too much, and the wild gerbil population (Side note: so that’s where they’re from!) is getting out of hand. Luckily, China doesn’t have the whiny liberal-commie-carp-kissers that we have here in the U.S., so they’re giving gerbils abortion pills to keep their numbers down. Normally, this blog would be all for having fewer animals to worry about, but giving gerbils abortion pills will only send the message to them that it’s OK to have sex, when in reality it isn’t. Animals can’t marry, and you’re not supposed to have sex before marriage, so that means animals shouldn’t mate. How’s that for some population control?

Speaking of population problems, in Northern Ireland, grey squirrels have taken over a woman’s home and are likely holding her hostage. The squirrels showed up in Oonagh Nutt (Yes, teehee, her last name is “Nutt.” HAVE SOME DECENCY YOU BASTARDS!) several years ago but in the past year and a half have gotten into the house and are tearing it apart.

“I’ve had pest control round putting poison down in the roof space and travel routes through the house. But then they died inside the cavity walls and the house is infested with flies. It’s a nightmare,” she said. “We’ve had squirrel catchers, traps, lights, sonar. Everything but the kitchen sink.”

Mrs. Nutt, we have a suggestion for you.

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.