Choosy Germans choose Nutella

Nutella may originate from Italy and be a giant hit in Australia, but Germany really seems to like Nutella. We mean REALLY like Nutella. How much do they like it? Enough to justify stealing five tons of it.

That said, five tons of Nutella — 10,000 pounds of the stuff — is only worth approximately 16,000 Euros. So who’s suffered the bigger lost, Germany for losing out on five tons of the spread, or the thieves for running off with a giant trailer filled with only 16 grand worth of product?

Allies play ‘long game’ strategy in Germany

The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these "democracy eggs" a day.
The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these “democracy eggs” a day.

Back in the 1940s, the world wasn’t sure if German people would ever get back to wearing shorts with suspenders and just being all-around adorable. So, when the Allied powers began strategically bombing the Nazi out of Nazi Germany, they left a couple thousand long-term bombs behind, just in case those old feelings came creeping back.

And that’s why Berlin commuters couldn’t go to work today.

German army keeps abreast on new diversionary tactics

Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.
Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.

As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.

Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.

But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:

Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.

Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That’s two in two days.]

South Africa: Kind of dicks with their elephants

A zoo in Germany has successfully inseminated an elephant with frozen sperm, providing a means to keep biodiversity up in enclosed, protective environments. It’s essential because both African and Asian elephants are endangered due to poaching and destruction of their habitats. If only there was some place with an abundance of elephants so that zookeepers wouldn’t have to go to this trouble. If only …

Oh, and South Africa has started giving their elephants birth control because they have too many of them. The biggest problem is that they keep their elephants fenced in preserves, so they can’t relieve their numbers through normal means like, oh, we don’t know, migrating?

“‘Because we have taken away opportunities, they don’t have the chance to remedy the overpopulation naturally as they would through migration,’ said Audrey Delsink Kettles, an elephant ecologist who has been leading studies for years on contraception at Makalali Private Game Reserve” rather than put two and two together by reading two articles in the same damn newspaper today.

Look, scientists. The Guys aren’t trying to tell you how to do your jobs, but maybe it’s time to stop taking your cues from a cartoon coyote? He probably doesn’t have the elephants’ best interests at heart, and what’s he gonna do with them once he catches them?

The Octoberfest Report

And now a recap from the world’s second greatest drinking event of the year (right behind the day after Christmas): Octoberfest.

The main event, Munich, was the true success story this year. The 6.9 million visitors set a new record, consuming 7.5 million liters (1.65 million gallons) of beer, or one Shamu tank. That only works out to over 1 liter (or less than a quarter gallon) per person, but some of them were probably children who are famous for getting very drunk on very little.

But even more surprising is that, despite drinking more, there were only 58 recorded brawls in which fighters wielded their giant beer steins as weapons. Looks like their priorities — and hearts — were in the right place.

This year was also the first wet Octoberfest for the small Alabama town of Cullman. Located an hour from Huntsville, the city has anually celebrated Octoberfest since 1977 even though they had never repealed their Prohibition era laws against alcohol. Until this year. We don’t have any numbers from their event, but we can only assume they also had fewer fights with the addition of any alcohol.

That’s just math, people.

They learned it by watching you! (Communion, that is)

Things did not go well for a group of evangelical Protestants in Germany who wanted to share Communion with Pope Benedict XVI.

The Pope — who is currently visiting the home of the guy who pretty much started that whole Protestantism-hoopla in the first place — declined, saying there are still too many differences between the two. Like, how one group thinks that Martin Luther had some pretty interesting ideas, while the other still refuses to give back the security deposit over nail holes in their church’s door.

The end of an era

Rochus Misch, Hitler’s last surviving bodyguard, has had enough of your letters. He just cannot–cannot–handle any more fan mail.

Yeah, the one guy who was in the best position to, oh, end World War II at any point and end years of suffering and atrocities, who instead chose to protect history’s greatest embodiment of evil and his top-ranking henchmen, has a pile of unanswered letters and packages from well-wishers around the world.

He would quit answering hate mail, too, but he apparently doesn’t get any.

We’d like to thank Mr. Misch for his years of diligent autographing and mailing photos of himself in his old SS uniform, proving that, if there was a god, he died assembling Volkswagen Beetles.