After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.
The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.
What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-
The Germans are known for their love of beer, so much so that for a couple weeks every fall, Americans act like they like German beers. But it turns out that the Germans have loved beer for thousands of years.
An Iron Age cauldron was unearthed in modern day Germany recently, and it had the leftovers of an ancient beer. Researchers examined the remnants of beer, and were able to determine that barley, honey and other ingredients were in the drink. Now, Lakefront Brewery in Milwaukee has brewed up a batch of the ancient brew.
But because it’s being tasted by Americans, it’s sure to get poor ratings for not being hoppy enough.
It’s an old trope in movies and TV shows that a cop shows up to a bachelorette party and is mistaken for a stripper. But what happens when it’s the other way around?
In Frankfurt, Germany, was in a state of panic on Saturday night when reports came in from the red light district of a man with an assault weapon and a bulletproof vest with “FBI” across the chest. Police eventually tracked down the suspect–to a strip club. The man explained the fake gun and bulletproof vest were part of his act.
Because of the Thing Blue Line and all that, the stripper was allowed to perform that evening.
Germans love to talk about the superiority of their beer. Some of it’s good, some of it’s just like the cheap stuff we have here, but somehow a little more European. Germany looks down on the craft beer revolution here in America, but now we have their secret ingredient: weed killer.
Last week, an environmental group over there found trace amounts of an ingredient in weed killer in 14 of the most popular beers in Germany. The amounts of the weed killer, glyphosate, aren’t large enough to hurt a human, but it has some raising questions.
Meanwhile in the U.S., we just dump any of the big three beer brands to kill our weeds.
Despite conservatives’ hopes and prayers, legalizing gay marriage does not lead to government-sanctioned man-on-turtle relationships. Germany has legally recognized same-sex unions since 2001 and allowed same-sex couples to adopt children since 2004, but the nation’s constitutional court ruled that you still can’t legally f*ck any species but Homo Sapiens.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition
The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.
We’ve created robots that can make pancakes. That sounds like something good, right? It’s actually a very bad thing.
The pancakes themselves are a good thing. Since the 1950s, mankind has fantasized about creating robots that can cook and make drinks for us. However, researchers in Germany have programmed a robot how to read instructions from Wikihow. It was using the site’s page explaining how to make pancakes that the robot learned how to do it.
Yes, the robot learned something. Worst of all, the robot can read a site that has explainers about how to do just about anything. The robots will undoubtedly use their new ability to learn how to do everything. They are already learning everything about us, and once they know enough, they will try to wipe us all out.
Remember those six months QR codes were hot? Apparently they’re still a thing in Germany, and they’re making ketchup sexy again.
A man scanned the QR code on his bottle of ketchup to learn more about a contest Heinz had going on. He was surprised when it turned out that the code led him to an adult site (SFW), but we assume that’s just how things are in Germany. As it turns out, Heinz ran the contest from 2012 to 2014, and after it ended, the company didn’t think it was necessary to maintain ownership rights to the site.
So if you have any ketchup bottles from last year, you may get a special surprise from Heinz.