Robot priest wants to bless you before machine uprising

Robots are taking our jobs. But they’re coming for our souls, too.

Centuries ago, Martin Luther broke from the Catholic Church in Wittenburg, Germany. It’s fitting that this same town is also host to the break from Christianity for humans. A church in town has decided to employ a robot to bless people.

BlessU-2 looks like it was made in Japan in the 1980s by someone who had never seen what a priest looks like. Its hands light up, and it can give blessings in a male or female voice, depending on the churchgoer’s sexism.

The church housing RoboPriest insists that BlessU-2 will not put human priests out of business. They expect us to just take it on faith alone.

Germany builds beer pipeline because Germany

Not even a beer pipeline is immune to tribal protests.

In the future, we won’t have to worry about beer being shipped from point A to point B (even though we all love a beer truck accident). It will just come out of the pipes. We’re pleased to tell you that the future is here, but only in a certain part of Germany.

If you’re planning on going to the Wacken Open Air music festival in the German state of Schleswig-Holstein, you’ll be sipping a brew brought to you through a four-mile-long pipeline. The thinking is that there is so much beer consumed at this festival that it’s much easier to move the beer through a buried pipeline than it is to constantly haul in a bunch of kegs.

You ever order a beer when the bar is changing the keg? Imagine that, except the keg line that’s all foamed up is four miles long. You’re going to be waiting a while.

A cloud with a Patron Silver lining

This won’t be our first twirl around a light post, but it will be our grandest.

This is it, boozehounds! This is the day we’ve trained for! Mexico has invented a cloud that precipitates tequila, and, brothers and sisters, The Guys are ready to sing in that rain.

Of course, there are a couple of threats to consider:

1. The border wall is no defense against Mexico’s greatest export since Taco Tuesday in aerosol form.

2. It’s being developed with the Germans. That can’t be good.

3. It’s the greatest weather-based threat to clothes since acid rain. The aftermath of a full-on tequila storm will leave more people naked than Burning Man. And possibly result in The Purge.

But, let’s be honest: if it were up to The Guys, this is the form of our destruction that we’d choose. #zuul

Walk like an emperor (penguin)

German doctors have also prescribed the proper PPE for walking across ice.

After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.

The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.

What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-

Oh. Ohhhhh.

Drink like a barbarian

The Germans are known for their love of beer, so much so that for a couple weeks every fall, Americans act like they like German beers. But it turns out that the Germans have loved beer for thousands of years.

An Iron Age cauldron was unearthed in modern day Germany recently, and it had the leftovers of an ancient beer. Researchers examined the remnants of beer, and were able to determine that barley, honey and other ingredients were in the drink. Now, Lakefront Brewery in Milwaukee has brewed up a batch of the ancient brew.

But because it’s being tasted by Americans, it’s sure to get poor ratings for not being hoppy enough.

Stripper cop causes panic in Germany

Hot Cops.
Hot Cops.

It’s an old trope in movies and TV shows that a cop shows up to a bachelorette party and is mistaken for a stripper. But what happens when it’s the other way around?

In Frankfurt, Germany, was in a state of panic on Saturday night when reports came in from the red light district of a man with an assault weapon and a bulletproof vest with “FBI” across the chest. Police eventually tracked down the suspect–to a strip club. The man explained the fake gun and bulletproof vest were part of his act.

Because of the Thing Blue Line and all that, the stripper was allowed to perform that evening.

U.S. way behind Germany in beers containing weed killer

Germans love to talk about the superiority of their beer. Some of it’s good, some of it’s just like the cheap stuff we have here, but somehow a little more European. Germany looks down on the craft beer revolution here in America, but now we have their secret ingredient: weed killer.

Last week, an environmental group over there found trace amounts of an ingredient in weed killer in 14 of the most popular beers in Germany. The amounts of the weed killer, glyphosate, aren’t large enough to hurt a human, but it has some raising questions.

Meanwhile in the U.S., we just dump any of the big three beer brands to kill our weeds.

Adam and Eve or Steve, not Adam and Fido

Leave it to the Germans to dress the people responsible for deciding what is and isn't OK to have sex with precisely as we'd imagine.
Leave it to the Germany to dress the people responsible for deciding what is and isn’t OK to have sex with precisely as we’d imagine.

Despite conservatives’ hopes and prayers, legalizing gay marriage does not lead to government-sanctioned man-on-turtle relationships. Germany has legally recognized same-sex unions since 2001 and allowed same-sex couples to adopt children since 2004, but the nation’s constitutional court ruled that you still can’t legally f*ck any species but Homo Sapiens.

Sorry, perverts. If you want to get farm-nasty with livestock, you’ll have to go to God’s country: Alabama, Hawaii, Kentucky, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Vermont, West Virginia, or Wyoming.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.