The war to end all boars

This blog is still none too trusting of Germany. Sure, things may be better since the trial separation, but there is still plenty of time for its aggressive tendencies to make a comeback. That said, the War on Animals seems to be taking a dangerous turn: the enemy is helping local law enforcement.

German police were chasing a suspected car thief through a forest. They really were not sure if they could get to him in the darkness. Yet they ended up catching up to him quite easily. Why? Because the thief was stopped by wild boars.

Yes, the animals are now working with law enforcement officials, which is probably the cleverest move they have made yet. First, they are helping round up humans by humans, and secondly, they are gaining the trust of those in charge, perhaps earning some contacts or double agents.

Nicht denkt jemand an die Kinder?

Germany-home of Oktoberfest and upright proper Aryan pornTexas high school students were recently shocked to discover a picture of a newsstand with “revealing” adult magazines in their German textbook. Man, I can only wonder what the school’s art history students are thinking right now while going through their sculpture textbooks. They must tripping balls!

Chavez officially booted from message boards

Just like Hitler, German Chancellor Merkel also enjoys writing in her spare time, parades, and getting kissies from western leaders.Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, is renowned for his trolling. He frequently calls U.S. President Bush “the devil” and also spams Internet message boards with excerpts from Marx and “RON PAUL IN 2008!”

Yesterday, however, he crossed a line: in his counterargument against German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who urged Latin America to give Chavez a geopolitical “time-out,” Chavez compared her to Hitler.

  • They’re both German.
  • Hitler was once a Chancellor.
  • They were both political leaders in Germany.
  • Merkel loves dogs, too.
  • Merkel enjoys Raiders of the Lost Ark, but always “falls asleep” before the end where the Nazis’ faces melt.  (Spoiler alert!)

In response to these latest claims, his memberships to Total Fark, DeviantArt and Salon have been suspended for First Degree Godwinning. To get his screennames reinstated, Chavez will have to renew his IP address and create new Gmail accounts–a very stiff penalty indeed.

Catholic guy goes jogging, runs in traffic

In the rock-paper-scissors world of jogging, biking and hiking, cars are the dynamite.Most people out there don’t mind jogging. After all, it’s lightweight enough on the body and you have at least a 50 percent less chance of not being beaned in the head by a weight bar. But hey, if you’re into increasing the challenge, then by all means, go for it! Carry that weight bar while you’re running! Eat those fu-gu (blowfish) organs while jogging! By gum, this is America, and you’re proud!

Just keep in mind that the religious pilgrims of Poland have got you beat. How so, you may ask? They do their running in traffic, and while toting a trailer, no less! Carrying a converted luggage roof box, a jogger went out onto a major German highway. Some may think that this was a bit extreme, but hey, he was just using it to make his way back from a trip that he taken as far as Portugal. No harm, no foul, right?

OK, maybe there’s a lot of harm, and plenty of foul.

Remember people, running in traffic is not the proper way to get in shape. If, however, you’d be interested in finding out exactly how to get in shape, well, look no further than this very website.

Get your crucifixes ready

As part of our ongoing coverage of the appearance of monsters across the world, we bring you this frightening bulletin: German police have found a great deal of dead animals in around the city of Bochum lately. Ordinarily, this blog would think this is a good thing.

However, 21 rabbits, three chickens and four foul wild birds have been found decapitated and drained of their blood. This blog is never one to jump to conclusions, but normally, when blood starts getting drained in any Austro-German territory, it means bad things. The Guys recommend staying alert.

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.

Not in fighting condition

The Germans are traditionally pretty good at war. In fact, one might say it’s the national pastime. However, though reunited (and it feels so good), the Gerries might not be invading Poland, or anything else, aside from McDonald’s.

A military report said German soldiers are too fat, smoke too much and don’t work out enough. Clearly they are not effective fighting machines and could be easily defeated (hint hint, Mr. President). This blog recommends the Germans stick to their normal diet of beer and bratwurst, and go on The Biggest Loser: Armed Forces Edition.

Das consumare vootch

A note to recently widowed German women-if you’re receiving billing and correspondence for “mail-order pornography that was secretly purchased by your formerly alive husbands“, here’s a heads up. They’re bad people. They’re scammers. Do not have them over for summer sausage, streudel and cookies. Your beloved almost certainly did buy porn, there’s no doubt in the world about that, but The Guys are pretty sure you don’t have pay for it once they’re gone.

State of the Sops

We begin this post with some very sad news from abroad. German beer sales are at their lowest in the past 15 years. Analysts are saying this means the German population is losing touch with its proud, beer-drinking culture. However, this blog suspects the Germans are merely busy preparing for other things. This blog suggests building and then tearing down a new Berlin Wall, so the Krauts have something to celebrate.

Now let’s head over to the States, where American drunkards refuse to let their need to bend an elbow get in the way of being responsible. A Wisconsin 911 operator, who no doubt is used to getting all kinds of unusual phone calls, got one that sets a new standard in drunken whoopsies: a drunk dial. A woman drunk dialed 911 saying she was took intoxicated to be driving. She said this as she drove along in her truck. Wonder how the cops knew to look for her?

“The woman’s boyfriend in the passenger seat suggested she call 911 to report her own drunken driving, so she did, Nehls said. The boyfriend was not driving, she said, because he was too drunk.”

Continue reading State of the Sops