When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

Lucky police dog spared by hardcore commando

Everyone has a friend who brags about how they “could rob a bank” or “kill a dude” and “totally get away with it.”

We’d like to introduce you to The Guys’ new criminal superfriend: Gregory Liascos.

Liascos was picked up by police in his Ghillie suit, which means that he’s also your friend that was “too badass for the Special Forces program.” You know, because he doesn’t know how to switch himself off once he’s in his super sweet berserker-mode.

Anyway, police dogs picked up his scent in the bushes outside the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals where somebody had tried to cut through a bathroom wall into its horde of gold and silver and rubies and quartz.

What? Don’t laugh. You could sell all that quartz to Timex and become a millionaire!