If pandas can’t get laid, what chance do we got?

After years of trying to get pandas to get it on in captivity to mixed results, researchers believe they’ve found the problem: female panda bears are only in the mood one to three days a year.

To cope, male pandas’ testes go into hibernation until the four month mating period. At that point, they go sex nuts and, in the wild, traverse over great distances to hopefully reach a female before she changes her mind. The male can then instantly sense if she’s consenting, and, if she’s not, will hold off advances until he gets a “yes.”

If The Guys could offer a suggestion to the male, it might not be that she’s not into sex, but just disappointed in what showed up. (You, for instance.) Sometimes, you have to woo a lady, show that while you may not be a strapping grizzly she normally goes for, you’ve got qualities that she never knew she wanted. Also, nobody ever went wrong with Al Green.

Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas

All will remember the 1600 or so!There are certain rights we expect. The right to live as we wish. The right to own property. The right to pursue Happiness, Sunshine or any other optimistically-named stripper. And, of course, the right to die as we wish.

The latter part has come up periodically over the past decade since Thomas Jefferson didn’t include “death” in the list of A Few of His Favourite Things. (Also left out: kittens, strudel, warm woolen mittens.)

We’ve jailed and early-released Jack Kevorkian, a former pathologist who helped dying people die on their own terms. We’ve removed, replaced and removed Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube until we finally stopped stringing her along and sent her to the happy walking trail upstairs.

So, if actions speak louder than wishy-washy, yet well-intentioned words, then we’ve effectively decided that we do have a right to die on our own terms, to “go out with our boots on.”

So, what about animals? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas

National Zoo sneaks in more pandas

The National Zoo has been on our watch list recently. As promised SG is here to keep you posted on the evils that are being done to house these federally-supported animals. We regret to inform you that the National Zoo is at it again.

The panda-crazed zoo has just added two more pandas, only this time they are red pandas. (We just won a bet we couldn’t say “panda” three times in one sentence.) Apparently, they tried to sneak this one past us while everyone in the Greater Washington area is fixated on the visit of Pope Benedict XVI.

Red pandas are known as the uglier, stranger looking branch of the panda family. Unlike their giant “black” panda cousins, they are not cuddly, but they are just as deadly. The National Zoo said it hopes to complete its collection of all the colors in the panda rainbow.

This blog has not yet ruled out rumors of a panda attack to coincide with the Beijing Olympics this summer.