Tag: Girl Scout cookies

He (may have) stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

And by “cookie jar,” we still mean “large and unmarked warehouse.”

Remember that grand theft of the Girl Scout cookies? You know, the one that was only fifty percent worth it because half of the contents stolen were of the Shortbread variety (yum) and the other half were of the Thin Mint variety (ugh)?

Surprise, surprise: it was an inside job. Well, “inside job” meaning from within the warehouse, not from within the Girl Scouts. Christopher Morton, accused of the theft, has not said why he allegedly decided to steal almost $19,000 worth of cookies, including his horrible choice to grab $9,500 worth of Thin Mints.

Someone stole the cookies from the cookie jar

And by “cookie jar,” we mean “large and unmarked warehouse.”

A robber may have thought him or herself quite the genius sometime before genius when a sugary treasure trove was stumbled upon: cookies. But not just any cookies, Girl Scout cookies! Nearly $19,000 worth of them!

But ah-ha, my friend, not so much luck was had that day. Yes, nearly $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies were taken from a warehouse in Spartanburg, but the joke is ultimately on the robber: the brigand managed to make off with cookies of the Shortbread and (ugh) Thin Mint (ugh) varieties.

Allow us to evangelize for a second here: Thin Mints are awful! The marriage of chocolate and mint is both an abomination and a sin before God and man! It’s Adam and (St/)Eve, not Choco and Mint! Blegh!

As you can see, the robber clearly only 50 percent ahead. Have fun with that, sucker.

Cookies crushed, not put to good use

Get us every resource available! The FBI! The CIA! Homeland Security! Mandy Patinkin, Tommy Lee Jones, even Boss Hogg! A great and terrible crime has been committed:

More than 13,000 Girl Scout cookies, not even close to expiration, were sent to a landfill.

Both we and our stomachs shed tears over this. The Guys say let not a single penny go to waste over this. Find the monster that committed this atrocity!

Rogue Girl Scouts’ little stunt has the Mayor asking for our leader hats

Johnson! Cotton! Get in our office!

We’ve got the city superintendent breathing down our necks about a couple of loose cannons causing mayhem in the streets. Oh? You don’t know what we’re talking about? How does this jog your memory:

One unidentified perp pulled up to a certain cookie-selling stakeout, jumped out of his car and nabbed a cash box containing $200. During his attempt to drive off, one Girl Scout, Iravia Cotton, punched the assailant, while the other, Rachel Johnson, jumped on the getaway car. Johnson was dragged by the car, sustaining minor scrapes and bruises.

You know, we ought to take your sashes and berets. God knows the Commissioner wants us to, and your style may not be “orthodox” or “by the scout handbook,” but dammit … you get results. We’re putting you back out there, and if we hear just one more word about your hijinks, you’ll be manning a desk beat in less time than we can eat this box of Thin Mints.

Michigan girls attempt to get Greenpeace merit badge

Two girl scouts in Michigan have begun project to make cookies more friendly for the planet, all in an attempt to cut down on deforestation. As a result, the national organization has decided to cut down on palm oil.

This is fine and dandy, but listen to me Girl Scouts of America: you can cut down on your palm oil amount, but you better not cut down on your “Peanut Butter Patties and Samoas/Coconut Delights that make their way to Chris” amount.

If Bruce Springsteen had a sweet tooth, this would already have been a song.

Newsflash: Horrible cookies are horrible

Girl Scout cookies are awesome. Sadly, they stopped making them with real Girl Scouts back in the summer of 1982, but nonetheless, they still remain delicious little morsels that are a bit more overpriced than what you’ll find in a grocery store.

Except Thin Mints. The marriage of chocolate and mint is an abomination and sin before God and man!

Ahem. As we were saying, you can’t really go wrong with most any girl scout cookie, with the exception of the previously mentioned Thin Mints and Lemon Chalet Cremes, but for the latter, that’s because lemon is a horrible dessert flavor. Now, there’s more to it than just a nasty flavoring; try a nasty smell as well.

Many people have recently discovered that their Lemon Chalet Cremes have had both a nasty smell and taste. (That would be lemon flavoring, you uncivilized oaf.) After barraging it with a series of tests, Little Brownie Bakers has declared that the cookies are safe for consumption.

Apparently, the odor came from oils in the cookies that did not break down properly in the production phase. Which is slightly troubling, mainly because it’s oil, which isn’t very well known for its inability to break down.

Of course, we could not care less about this news, just so long as our delicious Peanut Butter Patties and Samoas (political correctness be damned) are go for take-off.

Cheaper jobs in India mean cheaper transplant organs

Ever think your job is getting the better of you: unpaid overtime, working from home on sick days, repeated pitches to buy Girl Scout cookies?

Apparently, employers are worse in India, where they steal organs from new “employees.”

Chalk this up as another reason to be very afraid if your job is relocated to India.

(Courtesy of Kerry Y.)