You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

Movement to ban human veal

If the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) gets its way, then you can say goodbye to human veal.

The group of pediatricians have begun lobbying each state to prohibit teenagers under 18 years old from UV tanning beds. They believe that the ban would help cut skin cancer rates as the risk of melanoma increases with number of years of indoor tanning.

Of course, this means that that teenage girls will binge tan on their eighteenth birthdays, which makes their meat tough and stringy. At that point, we might as well boil our shoe leather.

Still beats McCain’s makeup tips

When it comes to cushy government jobs, the office of Vice President of the United States might just be the cushiest. They’re the non-speaking President of the U.S. Senate, and aside from the occasional “honey-do” list from the President, they basically sit around waiting for a pretzel to do its nasty work.

Fortunately, our current Veep, Joe Biden, has found a new role to occupy his time: C@%kblocker in Chief.

Since 2008, Vice President Biden has counseled every young woman he’s met to not date until they’re 30. 30? This sounds like the work of IHOP’s Early Bird Special Lobbyists.

Should’ve worn the Cloak of Hammer Defense +3 instead

We all get mad at other people sometimes. Heck, we even get mad at our friends. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but the important thing is to just hash it out. Put it into perspective-is whatever you’re fighting over so bad that it can’t be solved simply over just words instead, or for that matter, even just not worrying about it anymore? I usually think that way.

I’ve been d***ed jerked over by friends before-it happens. We all have. It doesn’t matter if they owe us money or if they’ve slept with our parents (both of them-sorry guys), it’s all just relative, and the matter definitely doesn’t call for violence. With that said, is it really worth hitting a friend over the head with a hammer just because they probably said that you failed your saving throw? Is violence really the answer because you and your friend made a “pact” to not go after a girl, only for your friend to go after said lass?

Of course not. But that didn’t stop young Zachary King of Utah from clobbering two friends of his because one broke an “oath” and the other probably made him lose his Dex Roll against a Beholder. S’ok Zachary, we at SG understand your rage. We just hope that you bring a Soap Bar of Impalement Defense +99 with you in jail.

In other news, Utah is still weird.

Barbie beatz Bratz, lawsuitz beatz dollz, salez beatz dollz

It’s like the perpetual Ro-sham-bo. The gist, summed up: there’s been a legal battle between Mattel and MGA over copyright violation and breach of contract over the Bratz dolls, originally developed by Carter Bryant while working at Mattel. Judgment has been made, and if left to stand, means that MGA has to stop making all Bratz products after the end of the year.

So, what’s a Bratz doll? Simply put, it’s a doll that feels that noses are facial deformities. They’re like pouty-lipped, apathetic looking emo girls, but made trendy and in high heels. Think of them like little plastic strumpets. Strumpets that will eat your soul.

But are they gone for good? With their vast, predatory eyes? Perhaps, perhaps not. A few thoughts after the cut. Continue reading Barbie beatz Bratz, lawsuitz beatz dollz, salez beatz dollz

There’s always room for v-i-o-l-e-n-c-e

Girls fighting in kiddie pools full of gelatin is usually a sober, dignified affair, but one sore loser at a Cambridge University contest had to go and spoil the dignity of the occasion by punching out a few spectators. Hey, this is Cambridge jelly wrestling—show some respect! People, take it from a professional who knows how to carry himself with dignity regarding a hallowed event such a Jell-O wrestling, it’s just not worth it to fight over water and colored agar gel.

Now, pudding wrestling, I can understand fists and feet being thrown over a decision in that.