Tag: glenn beck

Newtlemania reaches its logical end

It only took about a week before the country experienced Newt-fatigue, and that’s in a season where, as a nation, we’re content to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

What could have brought us to this moment? Was it when Newt signed a pledge to uphold the institution of marriage … this time? Was it Glenn Beck calling anyone who backed Cain and then moved on to Newt a racist? Or, maybe it was Newt’s plan to ease up child labor laws, so teens could learn what it means to work two jobs (so long as you count 6-7 hours a day in school a job) and still not be able to afford to live away from home.

At this point, who could really know why specifically?

Freshmen don’t know everything already?

College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

  • Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
  • How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
  • That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
  • That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

Good luck with this bunch, professors.

_______________________________

*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.

Foreign fish-the new illegal immigrant

The Supreme Court recently refused to issue an injunction in a case between Illinois and Michigan.

That’s not what we should be worried. The really crux of the problem is Asian carp. Yes, somehow, in the Midwest rivers of our great, American country, Asian carp have made their way into our land. Did they take a citizenship test? No. Do they pay any taxes at all? No. Do they even have the courtesy to speak our language? NO!

Now, listen-I’m just one man. But even I know when we’re clearly leaning on a slippery slope to pure communism thanks solely to the illegal immigration of Asian carp. You should be afraid because the ambassador to Atlantis is remaking America. He’s just not remaking it the way you thought he would. He’s just remaking it into a place that’s a whole lot crappier. Kind of a hybrid between Mu and Sea World. He’s taking the beacon of freedom and turning it into an apologetic, hey, what can you do for me, wannabe Chrodatan, spread the wealth, socialist wonderland. Teardrop.

This is, of course, Glenn Beck’s fault

You gotta feel for Sean Hannity. For years, he was everyone’s favorite Fox News host to hate since O’Reilly would–occasionally–prove his independent politics. But, then Glenn Beck moved over from CNN.

Suddenly, waving a flag to match the one on your lapel while asking why liberals are traitors wasn’t crazy enough anymore. Where’s your tears, Sean? Are you too wussy to quake and cry for your homeland? We bet Colmes could blow a snot bubble for the greatest nation on Earth!

What’s a guy to do when he’s losing his ratings to a man who invites America to teaparties? Why, doctor video footage of Michelle Bachmann’s anti-health care rally with footage from a better-attended one to make it look like more than 10,000 people skipped work to protest the laziness of others.

You Missed It: Post-off-off-election Edition

Bryan McBournie missed You Missed It this week to visit Glenn Beck as he recovers from his removed appendix. I tried to tell him that it was simple outpatient surgery, but he insisted, carrying flowers and a special embroidered pillow with him. He also muttered a lot, but that could have been the booze talking.

Anyway, if you were busy banking your political clout on a lifeless third-party accountant, odds are You Missed It.

Other people finally love A-Rod
The Yankees won the World Series, proving that if you throw enough money at a problem, year after year after year, and finally build a stadium more conducive to home runs, you can finally solve it.

Won’t buy with a little help from our friends
The Beatles released the first digital recordings of their songs on an apple-shaped USB drive as an obvious jab at “that other Apple” that still isn’t allowed to sell them on iTunes. I’d go into further detail, but we’re busy listening to our pirated mp3’s that were sub-delivered by the Blue Meanies.

We’ll be surprised if it lives past infancy
And in health news, the House of Representatives is poised to vote on a health care reform bill this weekend. The legislation has endured several rewrites, hilariously named protests, bizarre comparisons to the Bible and several toner replacements just to print it. If passed, it will move on to the Senate, where they will add provisions for serious health issues like celebrity dog museums, anti-weather balloon countermeasures and an Oxygen Bar in the Congressional cafeteria.