Gen X to global warming: ‘meh’

In a follow-up to a 2009 survey that revealed most American Gen X-ers are ambivalent at best to climate change, even more don’t care two years later. The age group that, for the purposes of this research, were born between 1961 and 1981 don’t know much about climate change and aren’t concerned about it, either.

Even as temperatures rise and new records are set this summer, survey respondents across the board answered, “Pfft, really? You probably weren’t around for the Reagan years, but I was, and this is nothing. And, there was this one summer, like, in 1994? Days don’t get hot like that anymore.”

Does it feel a little Chile in here to you?

Everyone in the northern hemisphere is complaining about how cold it’s supposed to be up here because it’s winter. But, did you know that summer is just heating up below the equator? It’s true! (Also: their toilets flush backwards, and their mermaids have fish heads and lady legs.)

In an effort to stave off energy costs, the Chilean government has suggested that men not wear ties this summer. Aside from the friction caused from tying, re-tying and tying one until you get it right, they believe that this will cut power costs from air conditioning.

But, that’s not to say there isn’t some backlash. At least one Santiago resident is aghast that the president, government ministers, engineers,  doctors and journalists would go about their business without a tie.

“There are things that really go along with being formal and well-structured,” said Gonzalo Castro, adding, “What will they use to wipe our famous sea bass off with during business lunches?”

What’s this all aboot?

When you hear the word monopoly, you tend to think of AT&T, your local cable companies (hello Cox and Comcast, I’m speaking to you) or even a board game. The last thing you could ever connect with that word is Canada, right? Right?

Wrong. Global warming, (for everyone that does believe in it), is beginning to affect maple trees in New England. And by affect, I mean “slowly decreasing the amount that grow.” But only in the New England area, which leads to my earlier comment: Canada’s maple trees are apparently not being affected by global warming.

Oh sure, Canada may seem nice and friendly, perhaps like a jovial and helpful neighbor to the north … but deep down, I think we all know that they would have no problem implementing an iron fist on a sugary sweet stronghold if they’re given the chance. Once that happens, don’t be surprised to see maple syrup prices rise to an all time high. Soon, the waffle, pancake and french toast industries will all go down in flames-except in Canada, where it’ll be a new golden age for Canadian breakfast items.

To all the Republican party members, conservatives and naysayers: this stuff is real enough to majorly affect me. I can’t have pancakes without maple syrup. DON’T FORCE ME TO EAT PANCAKES WITHOUT MAPLE SYRUP! DON’T!

Boehner solves global warming!

Were you worried about climate change, man-made or not? Well, then does soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner have good news for you: he’s fixed it.

That’s right: the problem that would have destroyed our economy, killed off the elderly and children and made us all considerably stinkier? Boehner took care of it; don’t you worry your pretty little head.

How, you ask? The same way we stopped school bullying: by ignoring it.

Ice measurements? Science? Math? Puh-lease

Cool people don't understand wind chill. GET IT?!So, apparently, a group of bleeding heart liberal pussies took a day hike up to the Arctic Circle to prove their religious beliefs about global warming.

They made a bunch of measurements and found that the majority of the ice is first year ice and, on average, only 1.8 meters thick. Well, now they’re having a hissy because, according to their “water knowledge,” most of that ice won’t survive the next several summers and the caps will be virtually ice-free within the next 20 years.

Pfft. Puh-lease. Other things an ’80s Valley Girl would say.

Look, this in no way proves that global warming is real. It just means that God forgot to refill the world’s ice trays. Just have the Pope leave a stern, but polite note on the barber pole next to Santa’s Village and let’s get back to pantsing Europeans.

This Week’s Poll
Polar bears are invading North American territory for unexplained reasons. Should we:

a) Send them back to their steamy Arctic bath? (You’re welcome, ingrates.)

b) Arrest them for suspected ties to Vladimir Putin?

c) Draft them and send them to Afghanistan?

Ye Missed It: A pirate’s life for ye edition

The wind be shiftin’. Ye can see it in the sails by the yardarm, can’t ye. Aye, that be the stiff wind of Talk Like A Pirate Day. Are ye ready for tomorrow? Ye can be assured your humble captain is, tricorn hat and all. If ye were too busy gaining 30 pounds fer yer new movie, odds are ye missed it.

Condoms be fer sailors
Lancet, a British medicine journal, said climate change could be curbed by givin’ women contraceptives. The argument bein’ that if fewer wenches are having little land lubbers, there be fewer people to pollute. In related news, the Catholic Church hates the envir’nment because it says ye can’t wrap up her anchor in any lagoon.

The power o’ Christ compels ye
Speakin’ o’ Christianity, conservative Christians gathered in Washingt’n, D.C. to protest President Barack Obama’s agenda–not things he has actually done, just things he has talked about doin’. The scurvy dogs say healthcare reform be at the top o’ their list o’ grievances. Because, you know, providin’ fer those in need is not what Christianity be about.

So much fer her happy endin’
After a little over three years o’ marriage, Avril Lavigne and Sum Fahrty-One frontman Deryck Whibley are splittin’. Ye know what this means, the break in the assault on our ears be over, too. Ye can bet as soon as those Canadian bilge pumpers finish dividin’ up the dubloons, they’ll be back makin’ horrible sea shanties.

This is what we get for shunning hunter-gatherers

Another study came out about climate change. The bad news is that they still think it exists and don’t mention God as a reason for it. The good news is that it’s not our fault!

Nope, it’s ancient farmers. Apparently, they all burned down so many forests that they released a lot of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which probably caused the world to heat up and thus bring Al Gore to post-political fame. So, um, now what?

Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!

Not really. You'd be spread out all over the place.

Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.

I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.

Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.

It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)

From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!

Take it from Snee: An open letter to Sarah Palin

Hey, Sarah.

Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?

I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.

This would be a huge mistake. You see, I’ve learned some things about you from last year that you appear to have not. Please, let me rectify this oversight in hopes that you might become a peaceful, and maybe better, person. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An open letter to Sarah Palin