Chocolate: without it, peanut butter cups are just weird. And we may be facing just such weirdness in the future, thanks to climate change. But a team of scientists is working to save it (chocolate, not the climate).
It’s true, chocolate, the main ingredient in fudge, could cease to be in the decades ahead, because the cacao plant is losing its habitat thanks to climate change. Cacao plants need to be grown in a very specific, unchanging environment, which is why they don’t stand a chance as things continue to get crazy weatherwise. That’s why a team of researchers is using gene editing technology to make cacao better able to grow at higher elevations, where weather is generally more stable.
However, if we do run out of chocolate, at least all the chocoholics will get clean.
Stephen Hawking doesn’t have the best outlook on humanity. In fact, he has demonstrated many times that he wants to end us all. Good to see nothing has changed.
In a recent interview, Hawking said humanity has “certainly not become less greedy or less stupid” since the last time he threatened us with extinction. He said that we have done nothing to reduce the threat of climate change, and we’re hell-bent on creating artificial intelligence, which will one day kill us all.
This has been another edition of Stephen Hawking Says Mankind Will Die.
It’s important to remember that, in the War on Animals, there are no small foes, only small animal warriors. (Don’t stop injecting mice with Silly Putty just because you’re saving up for that big shootin’ safari to darkest Africa.) In fact, based on the science of Ashton Kutcher movies, we understand that some of these tinier animal menaces are responsible for some serious human death tolls and property damage. So, that’s why we’re excited to announce that butterflies are on the ropes in the UK.
Our industrial activity has warmed up merry old England so much that butterflies on that side of the world are dying off and expected to be extinct by 2050. And once those butterflies stop flapping over there, this side of the world will become hurricane-free (except for the ones we drink, of course).
Meanwhile, so long as we keep our butterflies under control on this side of the pond, we can continue throwing hurricanes at human foes like terrorists and hot Italian guys who steal our girlfriends. (Arrivederci, Giuseppe!)
Yes, a world without British butterflies will be a glorious time for America, especially for dating. Welcome to the future: a world where “second base” doesn’t involve eyelashes if you know what we mean.
If there was one surprise about the first 15 years of the year 2000, it’s been that science is now more politicized in general than it was during the Scopes Monkey Trial of 1925. Which is really surprising when we can finally agree that cigarettes do cause cancer and that tobacco companies and their handful of hired scientists lied to us while the vast consensus of the scientific community agreed that inhaling fire is super bad for you.
However, now there’s an entire political party dedicated to pushing back against science when it comes to climate, human reproduction and the exact age of the Earth. And for their efforts to undermine the scientific progress of the 20th Century, we have rightfully named the Republican Party the “stupid party.” And the worst part is that they’ve taken these positions based on donations from energy companies and megachurches.
But, aren’t pastors and oil and coal magnates considered experts in their respective fields? How is an elected official supposed to know that guys selling purity rings maybe don’t have a sound medical understanding of what the birth control pill does? Or that, when your only tool is a coal-fired pneumatic hammer, then all your problems are solar-resistant nails?
Maybe it’s because, for the myriad of ways that science has shaped and defined the 21st century, we don’t really understand any of it. Oh, sure, we talk a big game based on our high school biology class and the occasional Wikipedia timesink, but can we really blame Republicans being the only ones who fall for faulty — and sometimes fraudulent — pseudoscience?
You know Pat Sajak, everyone does. He’s the short, friendly, affable guy who has hosted Wheel of Fortune for some three decades. What you may not know is that he’s active on Twitter. More so, he’s on to the evil schemes of scientists and their so-called “evidence.”
Just yesterday, he made made it plain that he believes this “climate change” thing is a bunch of hooey.
I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends. Good night.
No, his account wasn’t hacked. He chose to tweet that the same day NOAA released its monthly report saying that April was tied for the hottest month globally ever recorded. Sajak really was saying if you believe in global warming, you’re a racist. Worse yet, you don’t love America, one of the biggest polluters in the world.
We have to agree with Mr. Wheel himself. A guy who stands in one place, smiling and handing out money night after night, needs to be well educated. And it takes a man of such intelligence to stare down 97.1% of all research done on climate change and say, “F_CK Y__.”
In a follow-up to a 2009 survey that revealed most American Gen X-ers are ambivalent at best to climate change, even more don’t care two years later. The age group that, for the purposes of this research, were born between 1961 and 1981 don’t know much about climate change and aren’t concerned about it, either.
Even as temperatures rise and new records are set this summer, survey respondents across the board answered, “Pfft, really? You probably weren’t around for the Reagan years, but I was, and this is nothing. And, there was this one summer, like, in 1994? Days don’t get hot like that anymore.”
Everyone in the northern hemisphere is complaining about how cold it’s supposed to be up here because it’s winter. But, did you know that summer is just heating up below the equator? It’s true! (Also: their toilets flush backwards, and their mermaids have fish heads and lady legs.)
In an effort to stave off energy costs, the Chilean government has suggested that men not wear ties this summer. Aside from the friction caused from tying, re-tying and tying one until you get it right, they believe that this will cut power costs from air conditioning.
But, that’s not to say there isn’t some backlash. At least one Santiago resident is aghast that the president, government ministers, engineers, doctors and journalists would go about their business without a tie.
“There are things that really go along with being formal and well-structured,” said Gonzalo Castro, adding, “What will they use to wipe our famous sea bass off with during business lunches?”
When you hear the word monopoly, you tend to think of AT&T, your local cable companies (hello Cox and Comcast, I’m speaking to you) or even a board game. The last thing you could ever connect with that word is Canada, right? Right?
Oh sure, Canada may seem nice and friendly, perhaps like a jovial and helpful neighbor to the north … but deep down, I think we all know that they would have no problem implementing an iron fist on a sugary sweet stronghold if they’re given the chance. Once that happens, don’t be surprised to see maple syrup prices rise to an all time high. Soon, the waffle, pancake and french toast industries will all go down in flames-except in Canada, where it’ll be a new golden age for Canadian breakfast items.
To all the Republican party members, conservatives and naysayers: this stuff is real enough to majorly affect me. I can’t have pancakes without maple syrup. DON’T FORCE ME TO EAT PANCAKES WITHOUT MAPLE SYRUP! DON’T!
Were you worried about climate change, man-made or not? Well, then does soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner have good news for you: he’s fixed it.
That’s right: the problem that would have destroyed our economy, killed off the elderly and children and made us all considerably stinkier? Boehner took care of it; don’t you worry your pretty little head.
How, you ask? The same way we stopped school bullying: by ignoring it.
So, apparently, a group of bleeding heart liberal pussies took a day hike up to the Arctic Circle to prove their religious beliefs about global warming.
They made a bunch of measurements and found that the majority of the ice is first year ice and, on average, only 1.8 meters thick. Well, now they’re having a hissy because, according to their “water knowledge,” most of that ice won’t survive the next several summers and the caps will be virtually ice-free within the next 20 years.
Pfft. Puh-lease. Other things an ’80s Valley Girl would say.
Look, this in no way proves that global warming is real. It just means that God forgot to refill the world’s ice trays. Just have the Pope leave a stern, but polite note on the barber pole next to Santa’s Village and let’s get back to pantsing Europeans.
This Week’s Poll
Polar bears are invading North American territory for unexplained reasons. Should we:
a) Send them back to their steamy Arctic bath? (You’re welcome, ingrates.)
b) Arrest them for suspected ties to Vladimir Putin?