Hummer: no happy ending?

Everyone who sees a Hummer thinks one of two things: a)Somebody has penis issues,” or–if you’re also a Hummer owner–b) “Mine’s bigger.”

But, those halcyon days of gloating from your Pontiac Aztec or PT Cruiser at stupider spending choices may be numbered. The Chinese have backed out of purchase negotiations of the line from General Motors.

With no buyers, GM may be forced to shut down the brand, ending all production. This may be the worst news for douchebags since cone snails, which are where puka shells come from, were added to the endangered species list.

GM will continue to look for offers for Hummer, but it’s not looking good to spokesman Nick Richards.

“Hummer going down?” Richards said. “It sucks, bra.”

Friends don’t let friends buy Saturn

Their junked fleet will probably biodegrade slower than other cars because of their plastic panel sides.

GM announced on Wednesday that it will shut down their Saturn line. The decision was made after Saturn’s potential buyer, Penske Automotive Group, came to their senses after this alleged conversation with their friends:

Penske: So, I’m seriously thinking about buying a new car.

Friend: Yeah? What kind?

Penske: A Saturn.

Friend: A … Saturn? Really? Why?

Penske: Well, they’ve been having trouble lately and it’s important to buy American … auto industry failing … Detroit … Lions embarassment to football and whatever the Redskins play …

Friend: You know there are other American car brands out there? You know that, right? That aren’t Saturn?

Penske: Yeah … it was just, you know, an idea

That one hit the $300,000 parking spot

It’s fun to have a little extra cash to spend every now and then. You can treat yourself to a new game, a few drinks out, hookers for Rick Snee, buy SeriouslyGuys stuff, or a $300,000 parking space in Boston.

You read me right, $300,000 for a parking spot with no amenities. And you thought we were stupid for purchasing stock in GM.

Breaking news of the day

A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage.  GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.

None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

A Segway by any other name would sound as geeky

Puma on the loose in NYC! Film at 11.When it comes to selling cars, GM’s tanking … bad. They need help. So, who should they turn to? Toyota? BMW? How about Segway?

Yes, GM has hitched its broken wagon to Segway’s novelty star, hoping to redesign urban transportation.

They’re testing the P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility), a two-seater version of the vehicle that almost killed an American president and served as a visible punchline in The Benchwarmers and Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Still not realizing that people like cars because they run faster than bikes and horses, the P.U.M.A. is capable of a brisk 35 mph and can travel 35 miles on a single charge. (We’re not sure what its developer’s fascination is with the number 35, but we’re betting its close to the number of people who own the original.)

Just to give you an insight on how little of a clue GM really has, here’s the skinny on bonus features by their head of Research and Development, Larry Burns:

“Imagine small, nimble electric vehicles that know where other moving objects are and avoid running into them. Now, connect those vehicles in an Internet-like web and you can greatly enhance the ability of people to move through cities, find places to park and connect to their social and business networks.”

You hear that? GM thinks they can sell anything if they plug it into Twitter.