Super Bowl news hole: Wings around the world

It’s the Thursday before the Super Bowl, which means we’re on the home stretch of awful and stupid stories trying to fill the void of the two weeks leading up to the big game. Just hang in there for a few more days and it will all be behind us.

But until then, let’s talk about stupid things. For example, did you know that on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans will eat enough wings to circle the Earth three times over? Estimates are that 1.35 billion wings will be consumed on that highest of high holy days. And you just know that some of those will be boneless, because America isn’t strong anymore.

You know what? Let’s just watch that Eagles fan run into the pillar in the subway again.

Hurry up, Sunday.

The goat which must not be named

Being a paperboy sucks. It’s not a job that lends itself to the easy life: you have to wake up earlier than everyone else no matter the weather, your aim must be precise, the pay is menial at best, collect money from deadbeats, you have to ward off the advances of pedophiles and contend with dogs. It’s just not worth it.

Get ready to add another con to that list: being attacked by rampaging goats.

Jaxon Gessel was minding his business, hurting nobody by doing his job as a paperboy when out of nowhere, he was sent flying off his bike by a vicious headbutt. The culprit? A goat given the name of Voldemort. Somehow the monster had managed to get off its chain (surely via the use of evil magics) and attack young Jaxon.

Click the link. That’s not the face of an easy-going beast. That’s the face of a villain.

Story courtesy of Jeremy Bethel

The World at War … with Animals!

Our boys are fighting bravely all over the world, including in our own backyards and crawlspaces. Remember: buy bacon, or you’re a damn dirty ape!

And now, briefs from the War on Animals.

Caged Bleat!
Connecticut authorities have locked up two goats in the state prison, sentencing them to hard labor. The goats were turned in by farmers who didn’t want them anymore, probably for domestic terrorist attacks against their cans.

PETA burns man alive!
Species traitors and terrorist organization PETA has claimed responsibility for the future cremation of an Oregonian Oreganoan Oregranarian a guy from Oregon. They have already announced how they will desecrate their victim’s remains with pithy slogans and their logo.

The least they could do after cooking him is to eat him. You know, Native American-style.

Animals, witchdoctors joining forces

There may be a crime problem in the U.S., but we really don’t have anything on the criminals of Nigeria, because they use trickery to outfox the local law enforcement–or at least they try.

A goat was arrested in Nigeria recently in connection with an attempted armed robbery. The police said the goat, was part of a gang that tried to steal a car. Wait, there’s more. Local vigilantes told police they were on patrol when they saw two people trying to steal a car, when they chased after the thugs, one used black magic to turn into a goat. We are glad to hear that animals are not escaping the long arm of the law in at least one country. To hell with libel laws, the goat clearly did it.

“‘We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,'” police said.

So far, the goat isn’t talking.