Panda watch: Looks like pandas eat goats now

The internet would have us believe that pandas are cute, right up there with cats. But then again, the internet also tells us that we can collect our lottery prize money in Africa if we click here. A Chinese farmer has found proof that pandas live up to their classification as bears.

In southwestern China, farmers took video of a wild panda bear chowing down on a goat, which is surprising, because most goats aren’t made out of bamboo. The farmers say the grayscale beast climbed down from a tree and leaped upon the unsuspecting goat. The video they posted shows the panda munching on the body.

You know what else eats goats? T. rex.

New Zealand town held hostage by goats

Things are tense in New Zealand today. An entire town is being held hostage, and the captors haven’t made their demands known. They just say “Baa” a lot.

The residents of Blackball say some 16 goats have been terrorizing the town. They report that the goats roaming the town under the cover of night and systematically eating up gardens. The fearsome flock doesn’t seem to have an owner, and residents are ready to fight back.

We can only hope that this isn’t an animal distraction from a bigger planned attack.

To defeat our enemies we must become them

We use drones to spy on them, and robots to blend in with them, but not since Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls have we earnestly attempted to become an animal in order to surveil them. Finally, people are doing just that.

In Switzerland, a researcher has transformed himself into a goat with the use of prosthetics. He even had financial backing by the U.K. government for the development of his suit. Such advancements allowed him to spend three days with a herd of goats in the Alps. Hopefully the intel bears fruit.

And speaking of bears, here in the U.S., decided to mess with some grizzlies. In Alaska, a man wore a realistic bear costume to spook a grizzly bear and two cubs were trying to catch their salmon dinner. The man was jumping around, and got within a few feet of the cubs. Not only did the man survive, but he escaped arrest, too.

You Missed It: Airplane mode edition

Movember Alec Baldwin could not be more excited.
Movember Alec Baldwin could not be more excited.

Fifty years ago today John F. Kennedy was shot. There, I have filled my legal requirements as a writer to mention that fact today. I realize it’s a significant anniversary of a course-altering moment in American history, but relating every article to it is a bit much. Mark my words, this weekend you will read an article asking which NFL quarterback has the leadership style closest to that of JFK. If you were busy being surprised by the results when you searched for “magic bullet” this week, odds are you missed it.

You’re now free to rack up roaming charges
This week, the FCC proposed new regulations that would allow cell phone calls and data usage during flights, except when the plane is taking off or landing. It’s just a possibility, and there are a lot of steps that have to be taken before something like this could happen, but it’s creating quite a buzz. After all, when you paid $100 for your luggage, you’re on a flight that charges for food, the guy in front of you reclined his seat into your lap and there’s a crying baby in the row behind you, the one thing that can make your flight better is everyone else around you shouting over each other on their phones.

Are you depressed? Maybe you’re wife’s not hot
Ladies, if you’re not happy in your marriage, maybe it’s time to stop looking frumpy. A new study has found that men are happier in their marriage if their wives maintain their attractiveness. This, in turn makes the wives happier, because they are feel good about a satisfied husband. The study followed 450 newlywed couples and followed them for four years. The ones with hot wives were happier. Men, tread carefully, but remember that you’re armed with science.

Jose Canseco owns goats
Former juicing baseball player and noted douche Jose Canseco was pulled over this week by police for some reason or another. In the back of his SUV were his fainting goats, all wearing diapers. No amount of context could possibly keep a cop from letting him off with a warning, right?

The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy in another state

Once again: goats, bah.

Perhaps their attempt to mow the lawn of O’Hare Airport was nothing but a ploy. Perhaps the goats of Illinois are simply a different breed than the ones found in New Jersey. No matter what, a goat ran rampant in Jersey City and is responsible for four (yes, FOUR) accidents and jammed up traffic. (Warning: Link has an ad with autoplay.)

May it burn in goat Hell, which is a land with no cans whatsoever.

Don’t get your goat

The Guys are all about pets. We enjoy having enemy slaves to do our bidding, then cleaning up their poop. But sometimes people make the wrong choice in pets.

They get something dangerous, that should not be kept as a pet, things like snakes, spiders and dogs. Now there is another one to add to that list: the miniature goat. Apparently mini goats are the newest pet fad. They answer to their names, do well in any back yard and supply milk.

What people forget is that the goat, mini or full size, is a dangerous creature. They will eat any junk they find. That includes your laundry, your furniture and your children. Do yourself a favor and don’t buy one of these things, it only encourages other buyers.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats’

The key question about The Men Who Stare at Goats is not whether it is true (it totally is though it allegedly is).

The key question is whether it will make you laugh.

No allegedly about it-it will. Oh, how it will. Click the jump to see why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats’

The fight for mankind never takes a vacation

As some of you may have heard, I was out Friday and yesterday (yet the McBournie Minute was posted, weird!). But, we’re at war, and this war has no armistices or even ceases of fire (cease fires?). So let’s take a look at what’s going on on the front lines.

Russia’s getting antsy. They’ve been flying near our Navy’s ships, they’ve been killing political opponents, and they seem to like bears in general. Now, they are going ofter people trying to take out one of our greatest threats: the goat. Apparently, someone’s been flying around on a helicopter hunting a rare species of goat, most likely cranking Ride of the Valkyries. All they are trying to do is rid us of their threat and ensure our safety, but Russia wants the hunting stopped.

But the good news is that Canada gets us. More importantly, they’ve got our backs. PETA is after Canada about the annual seal hunt. They want to boycott the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. Well, Canada said “F-you, eh!” to PETA last week when they voted to include seal skin in the uniforms of their athletes at the games. Get your hotel and plane reservations now, it’s time to go protester clubbing in Vancouver!

Animals, witchdoctors joining forces

There may be a crime problem in the U.S., but we really don’t have anything on the criminals of Nigeria, because they use trickery to outfox the local law enforcement–or at least they try.

A goat was arrested in Nigeria recently in connection with an attempted armed robbery. The police said the goat, was part of a gang that tried to steal a car. Wait, there’s more. Local vigilantes told police they were on patrol when they saw two people trying to steal a car, when they chased after the thugs, one used black magic to turn into a goat. We are glad to hear that animals are not escaping the long arm of the law in at least one country. To hell with libel laws, the goat clearly did it.

“‘We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,'” police said.

So far, the goat isn’t talking.