Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Why even bother with the coin toss?

Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”

According to a new survey by impartial-sounding Public Religion Research Institute, 27 percent of Americans believe that “athletes who believe in God will have good health and success.” This explains why a man who plays a game consistently on the Lord’s day, who was involved in the murder of another man, obstructed justice and then struck a deal with the victim’s family, is in the Super Bowl. He does thank God, after all.

Bolon Yokte is on the guest list

If you were planning your New Year’s Eve party around not being accountable for anything the next day, then Mayan experts have bad news for you: the Mayan calendar does not predict the end of the world.

According to university professors and Mexican national historians, the calendar does not the indicate the end of all time, just the end of the holy 13th baktun, “baktuns” being periods of 394 years. And, yes, Bolon Yokte, a Mayan god associated with war and creation, is scheduled to return, but he turns up every 13 baktuns like Billy Crystal at the Oscars. (And, as much as we’d like it, Billy Crystal’s return does not herald the end of the Academy Awards.)

But, if you still want to party like it’s 1999 and our computers are going to kill us all … fine, go ahead. Just trust us when we say, “Wear a rubber. Just to be safe.”

Take it from Snee: A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part One

So, I was at the gym–minding my own business, trying to make women in spandex return my eye contact–when one of my friends mentioned a post I wrote about primatologists experimenting with advertisements for monkeys. (WARNING: Bringing up my writing at the gym is dangerous because my resulting pride boner can get caught in weighted moving parts.)

He asked me what was the point of the research, and I said something along the lines that primatologists study behavior and other aspects in apes and monkeys to learn more about our common ancestors and what these mean about humans. Also, to sell these tiny jackets.

I say “along those lines” because I actually kind of fumbled around and mentioned “evolution.” As stated previously, I was caught unaware mid-workout, and all the blood had rushed to my … muscles.

His response? “Oh, I don’t really buy into evolution,” and then laid out evidence of a perfectly-ordered universe that only the Heavily-disputed Champion of Everything could have created.

I’ll be honest. After he laid it all out for me, I kind of want to believe in the god that did “Intelligent Design.” I can only imagine the process that created universal perfection as we know it. For the purposes of Creative Science, please imagine the following events unfolding over 4,000 years. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part One

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

I’m pooped. Not to dredge up too much boring domestic crap, but my entire apartment is in shambles from buying new bedroom furniture. On the pro side, there’s a mirror in my bedroom now. On the con side: my wife wouldn’t let me install it on the ceiling.

So, here are a few thoughts I had while cursing through my teeth. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

Wal-Mart fires inept employees?

You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.

How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.

Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.

But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)

And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.


Post updated at 5:00 pm EST on June 15, 2010.

The Guys don’t pretend to understand God’s thinking, but it’s possible to extrapolate from this story that he doesn’t much care for the evangelical Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH and what was their big honking statue of Jesus.

What we mean is that there are parables, and then there are direct f&%king messages in lightning and red font.

Now, if only he could smote Thomas Kinkade stores without burning down the entire mall ….

UPDATE (6/15/2010) Continue reading HOLY S#@T!

You Missed It: Thanksgiving hangover edition

Welcome back everyone. Hope all of you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving–at least the American readers. All you foreigners probably don’t know what stuffing is. That’s what makes you un-American. Now that we’re in the final month of the year, indeed the decade, it’s a time to look back. Well, here at You Missed It, looking back isn’t our thing. So rather than celebrate the year that was and is still, here comes a review of not only this week but the week before. If you were busy calling up more troops for Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

Time to consult the caddy
Tiger Woods lived a relatively quiet life–until Thanksgiving. The details are still not quite clear, but somehow Woods got in an accident outside his house, but escaped major injury. Oh, and he may have been cheating on his Swedish model wife with several women. Because of the relatively slow time for news, Woods has been inundated by the media. To remedy this, Woods has posted a man with a “Quiet Please” sign outside his front door.

And neither of them was Vince Vaughn
Tareq and Michaele Salahi got to see the inside of the White House without the hassle of waiting in line for a tour. All they did was crash a state dinner party. In a bid to get on the Washington installment of Real Housewives, the couple somehow made it through security and into the dinner, despite not having an invitation. Understandably, this has set off a flurry of questions, including “Why does Bravo need another Real Housewives of” series?

Maybe he’s rapping with God right now?
The Catholic Church this week released a playlist it is now streaming on its Web site. (Think of it as a mix tape from Jesus.) Included with the likes of Mozart is dead rapper Tupac Shakur. After being asked about the selection, the Vatican said it meant the other Machiavelli.

Certainly beats the hose alternative

As part of our ongoing coverage of how cool the Catholic Church is, we turn now to the Church waging war against H1N1. Sure, you might think that holy water can kill the flu simply because it’s blessed by priests, but that’s not necessarily the case, apparently.

An Italian inventor has created a holy water dispenser that requires no touching at all, which makes the transmission of H1N1 much less likely. Wave your hands underneath it and holy water comes out. In case you’re wondering, yes, that is the same technology you have seen in public restrooms for the past decade or  so.

Hey, it took these guys centuries to apologize for calling Galileo a heretic. Ten years behind is nothing to them.

Burn your own incense

Do you like God but don’t want the hassle of getting up early on Sundays? Are you a douche who thinks his iPhone can really do anything? You’re not alone!

Online church-going is becoming a new trend in giving praise. But you know, it’s really cool because, like, you can talk about God with people around the world, instead of those jerks who go to your church.

Best part, you can go to church sitting in the same chair as you look at porn.