Tag: god

God is on our side?

As a Catholic, this is scary to think about, but the evidence is there just the same: the pope is in league with the animals!

At a speech in Prague, Pope Benedict XVI had a spider crawling on him. It crawled all the way up the Holy Father’s robe and even on to his neck. Allegedly, the pope brushed the spider off, but it was seen riding on his robe as he left a historic church where the speech was made.

Just remember, all you Christians who believe that we shouldn’t hurt animals: God gave us dominion over the animals, and the only reason we’re here and not in Paradise in the first place is because of a snake (well, and a gullible woman).

God can’t beat swine flu

H1N1 (swine) flu is coming for you. It’s not just a lame rhyme, it’s a message the Catholic Church in Italy wants you to know. That’s why they aren’t letting people kiss a vial of blood from Saint Gennaro at Naples’ annual festival this month.

You know, because kissing a vial of a dead person’s blood that thousands of other people have kissed would be completely safe otherwise.

God and dogs don’t mix

You know who’s been quiet in the War on Animals? God. That’s who. Sure, he created the animals and gave us domain over them, but what does he think now that they are trying to overrun us?

We’re still waiting for the Big Guy to open up the heavens and root us on, but until then, we are convinced he’s on our side. Unfortunately, the species traitors think he’s on their side, too. One church in Austin, Texas (figures) is even inviting dogs, man’s alleged best friend, to worship with their owners.

We all know that keep a pet is perfectly acceptable. They are servants and let us learn about our enemy. But bringing them to church is wrong. Animals have no soul, have no concept of a higher being, and cannot get into heaven, no matter what the movies might say. Dogs attending our services just gives the false notion that we can work this war out.

It’s not that simple.

Space ready to give the high five

What’s old is new and what’s new is old. That’s the approach taken by many a human in regards to fads. Everyone enjoys “blowing it up”, and who couldn’t love to make fun of those that pop their collars? But no one, and we mean no one, could have possibly imagined the high five coming back-and being used by an entire cosmos.

Say what? That’s right. NASA took photos of an x-ray nebula, located a relatively close 150 light years away. Scientists are theorizing that it’s simply a star spewing energy left and right, and it just happens to have created a hand thanks to the energy, while the fingers are nothing more than gas clouds with stuff in them. Oh sure. What a coincidence.

No one really knows whether it’s a clever ploy by aliens, the hand of God, or the almighty back of the hand of Baby Powder. Nonetheless, we do know this-it’s very, very blue. Also, hey, star, while you’re at it, do you think you could make some googly eyes too?

And in other space related news, it seems as if liberal and commie aliens might not get a chance to learn just what is The Word. NASA is apparently being pretty mum about just whether or not the newest wing of the International Space Station truly will be named “Colbert”, despite it winning a contest. Of course, this could all be just a sinister plot by bears. The jury’s still out.

UPDATE:  Colbert will not get his name on the node, but he does get a snazzy treadmill named after him.

Good idea, bad idea: science

Good Idea:

Creating rice that will live both 41 days and 41 nights. Even God might not be able to knock out a new precision bred strain of rice that is highly flood resistant. Feast, and be merry!

Bad Idea:

Creating robots that will end us all. AGAIN. Mad scientists, keep in mind that people don’t want things smaller. No, if anything that this Escalade/Expedition/Navigator/H2 generation has told us, it’s that people want things bigger. Don’t give into their wishes and make larger carnivorous robots. Ones the size of tables are bad enough.

Hey, his blood is wine, right?

If there is one potential marketing ploy that is never used, it’s God. No one ever tries to court the Christians in America, despite the fact that they are a huge demographic. Perhaps one day Christmas will be a larger holiday like it deserves to be, until then we must stick to beer.

We turn now to the 27th Great American Beer Festival (held three weeks after the So-So American Beer Festival), in our search for God. There, one entrepreneur is asking, What Would Jesus Brew? At the festival, one could find beers from an old Abbey, He’Brew, a Jewish beer, Genesis Ale, Messiah Bold and even Damnation.

So does this mean drinking on Sunday is OK with God?

Porn but for the grace of God

Oh, Sweden. We may only hear from you but every few months, but when we do, how you entertain us. For example ….

A Swedish minister has resigned from his parish after infecting the network with viruses … while surfing for porn. Considering that he only got away with a resigning, we can say that God is definitely a New Testament God rather than an Old Testament God.

Despite infecting the church’s IT system with a nasty case of Internet-phyllis, he still ranks higher in the “I’m a better dude than you” hierarchy than your stereotypical Catholic priest. Idle hands, gents.

Heavenly legal team off the hook

They say in America you can sue anyone for anything. But its seems that now has its limits, because you can only sue people whom you can find and serve.

God can’t be sued, because you don’t have his address, a court ruled last week. Nebraska state Senator Ernie Chambers filed the suit because he has too much free time on his hands in hopes of getting a permanent injunction against God and all bad things he does to the U.S. We can only assume this idea was hatched after Hurricane Katrina, which we hear devastated Nebraska.

Chambers argued that the defendant did not have to be served, because God knows everything, and therefor knew about the lawsuit. The court apparently thinks God is stupid, because it rejected the argument. We here at SG believe that the case, as every other, should have its day in court. But then again, we’ve already seen this movie. The tape recorder doesn’t pick up a voice.

A religious experiment

According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.

OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.

In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:

ERROR 404

DOCUMENT NOT FOUND

HA! Suck on that, Xtians!

The McBournie Minute: The end is near

The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.

The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near