$1.3 million bottle of vodka stolen, recovered empty

Vodka is the only liquor that tastes good when it doesn’t have a taste at all. Did you know that there is a bottle of vodka worth $1.3 million? Well, there isn’t one anymore.

In Copenhagen, Denmark, a thief broke into a bar last week and made off with a bottle of Russo-Baltique vodka. The bottle is shiny gold and silver, and has diamonds on the cap. The good news is that the bottle has been recovered, but it’s empty. So some crook enjoyed the contents of the bottle so much that he forgot that the bottle itself was worth a lot of money.

The owner of the bar said he was happy to have the bottle back, and plans to refill it and have it back on display. Which probably means that the vodka sucks, anyway.

You Missed It: Risky drinking edition

Women officially make worse life choices than you.
Women officially make worse life choices than you.

I think we need to stop making fun of other people’s cultures. Not because they are our equals (we’re way better than them), but because of Groundhog Day. For some reason, we have this day where everyone waits to see what a single groundhog in some backwoods told in Pennsylvania has to say about winter. At some point in American history, people thought this was an accurate sign of how the weather would be. Lots of towns did this groundhog thing. Then we all decided that Punxutawney, Pennsylvania had the most accurate groundhog, and each town ended their own ceremonies. There’s no feast, we don’t send cards, we just read the headline that morning, and maybe watch a Bill Murray movie. If you were busy winning the Iowa caucuses this week, odds are you missed it.

Women need to start worrying
This week, the Centers for Disease Control said that women of childbearing age should stop drinking unless they are on birth control, because if they get pregnant and don’t know it, the booze could hurt their children. Also, the World Health Organization declared the Zika virus outbreak a “public health emergency.” So in all, it was a banner week for women’s health.

Robo Tiger Woods has arrived
Researchers built and programmed a robot that can swing a golf club. In fact, it hits the ball so well that it got a hole-in-one on the on a source in Scottsdale, Arizona on the same hole that Tiger Woods once did the same in 1997. I’m calling it now, once this robot gets caught cheating on his robot wife, he will never win another major again.

The last time you’ll hear from Johnny Manziel
Authorities say soon-to-be ex-Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel struck and threatened his ex girlfriend this week. The victim said he threatened to shoot her and himself. Luckily, no one was in any danger, because if anyone applied pressure, his aim would have been off.

The seat of power

"Dammit, Erdogan! Fooled by another chocolate-filled toilet seat!"
“Dammit, Erdogan! Fooled by another foil-covered chocolate toilet seat!”

It’s election season in Turkey, which means it’s time to accuse the sitting president of sitting on gold toilet seats. This comes as part of a list of lavish items that presidential rival, Kemal Kilicdaroglu of the Republican People’s Party (CHP), has accused Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan of installing in his new 1,000 room presidential palace.

President Erdogan wins for the best response to the allegation, saying that he will resign immediately if Kilicdaroglu can find just one golden toilet seat in the palace. Folks, there aren’t a lot of ways to make your political opponent bite-test every toilet seat in your house. Congratulations, Mr. Turkish President.

We know the new pan-handling hotspot

Hark! It’s time to stake your claim! Quick, to the ATM!

A Vegas ATM found at the Golden Nugget Hotel and Casino will now be dispensing gold rather than straight-cash-homie from your account … if you have that large of an amount, that is.

“The GOLD to go” machine spits out 24-karat gold bars from 1 to 250 grams. And it can vend gold coins and bars with the Golden Nugget logo. The cost is constantly updated to reflect the ever-changing gold market. A computer inside the ATM keeps up with current prices.

The current cost at the ATM is more than $1,000 per ounce. Easily accessible for everyone. Surely. Oh, and to sweeten the deal, gold can’t be exchanged for chips at the hotel.

Having watched far too much CNN Headlines News over the past decade, I can only hope that the voice of the machine is an unemotional British woman. Or Pete Rose.