Science: Your goldfish might be drunk

It may be summer right now, but when the cold winter nights come back, what’s better than a good drink to warm you up inside? Researchers say that goldfish do the same thing.

According to scientists, goldfish and their wild cousins the crucian carp, have the ability produce their own alcohol, which allows them to survive in winter conditions. The fish can’t get rid of lactic acid in oxygen-free water because they can’t breathe. Instead, they convert the lactic acid into ethanol, and they can go for months like this.

The researchers found that the fish have pretty high blood alcohol content levels–so much so that they wouldn’t be allowed to drive in most countries. So remember, do not let your goldfish drive, no matter how much it begs.

Invasion of the goldfish

Goldfish aren’t the most threatening-looking things on the planet. Some of them have big, puffy faces and seem to be barely able to move. But now they’re threatening a Colorado lake.

According to wildlife officials, someone probably threw some goldfish into the lake a few years ago, and they grew in number. Now, the domestically-created species of fish is threatening native fish, competing with them for food. Which has caused a concern for those nature-loving whack-jobs in Colorado.

If a goldfish can out-compete you for food, you probably don’t deserve to live in the first place.

It’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on

For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.

But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.

Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.

(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.