Kim Jong-il ‘Chuck-norrised’ Chuck Norris

Some of our political leaders have taken some heat for their fetishistic worship of the Founding Fathers, casting them as perfect men who planned the entire future of a nation that had never existed before.

While that’s goofy, it could be worse. And by that, we mean Kim Jong-il worse.

An article in The Telegraph reports a list of various myths that have been ascribed by North Korean propaganda to the littlest tyrant. Our personal favorite?

“The first time he picked up a golf club, in 1994, Kim reportedly shot a 38-under par round on North Korea’s only golf course, including 11 holes-in-one. He then decided to retire from the sport for ever.”

We heard that the orgasms he gives to supermodels are so traumatizing that they are left with no memory of the encounter and will deny ever meeting him. He’d be concerned if he weren’t so busy suing J.K. Rowling for plagiarizing his autobiography to create Harry Potter.

Take it from Snee: Seriously business

If you work, then you’ve seen them: motivational posters. Like most propaganda, they use simple slogans and mind-searing images to raise your work level to Glorious Benefit for Behalf Father Company.

As a technical writer, I can’t help but notice that either:

A) Somebody didn’t realize what they were writing at the time.

B) Yes, they did.

C) Some combination of A and B where the powers that be noticed that an innocent slogan has a double-meaning, like eighth graders laughing at “penal code.”

So, let’s jump right in! Don’t forget to persevere through innovation outside the box on the way! Continue reading Take it from Snee: Seriously business

Fire in the hole!

There are many deathsports in the world: Russian Roulette, Duck-Duck-Shark, Taser Tag …. All mere child’s play!

The truly most dangerous sport–especially in dry grasslands–is golf.

One unidentified golfer in Irvine, California proved this deadly fact when his iron club grazed a rock, pitching a spark into the rough. The resulting fire spread quickly and was eventually put out by 150 firefighters.

A memorial will be unveiled for the two bushy hillsides that are no longer with us.

But he can only drive if he’s got decent protection

Speaking of quarterbacks, Tony Romo, or “Dull Tony,” as he’s known in the Latin community, is something of a golfer.

Sure, he’s one of those celebrities you see out in the pro-am tournaments, but he’s trying to qualify for the U.S. Open, advancing one round after playing in a local qualifier. True to form, Romo said he plans on getting a bit farther before letting the wheels fall off his game.

The McBournie Minute: Don’t let Tiger Woods drive the golf cart

Welcome back, everyone. Hope both of you had a great Thanksgiving. I can’t speak for the rest of The Guys, but as much as I enjoyed a little time to relax, I missed being able to write–so much so that my fingers are rusty. I mean that metaphorically, of course.

No one’s really talking about it at the moment, but I hear tell that Tiger Woods, who you may know is a professional golfer, and pretty good, at that, got in a car accident outside his home while we were gone. What we do know is that it happened in the wee hours of the night, when nothing but arrests and pregnancies happen. We know that Woods was leaving his house when he hit a fire hydrant, which probably made an awesome geyser like you see in movie car chases. We know he hit a tree head on. We know that at some point the driver’s side window was broken.

We know that this isn’t the first time Tiger’s drive has gone off course and gotten him in a pickle. What? No more golf jokes? Fine. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Don’t let Tiger Woods drive the golf cart

The McBournie Minute: Quiet on the tee, please

When I was a kid–wait, where are you going? Stop it. I promise this isn’t some sort of “I remember when” story, despite how the lead sentence sounds. Can we start over again?

When I was a kid, I knew on weekends I could always find my dad watching golf on television. He would eat his lunch, a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips mixed in, and sit for hours watching. I tried in earnest several times to watch it with my dad, but my interest always wained.

You see, golf on TV is really, really boring, and this is coming from someone who sits through entire baseball games.

Sure, you can follow along if you know where everyone is and who is leading in the tournament, but the coverage is forced to skip around from one hole to the next after a single shot. This is because nearly every hole has action going on (that’s what she said) and it takes so long for golfers to walk to their next shot. The result is something along the lines of picking up a book, reading page 1, then skipping to page 56, then going to 32, then to page 2 and so on. There’s not much of a story told unless you unscramble it yourself. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Quiet on the tee, please

Eat My Sports: Tiger beat

Golf. It’s boring, and they wear stupid clothes. These guys, for some asinine reason, find relaxation in the frustration of hitting something the size of an eye into a Dixie cup 300 yards away. Every single one of these geniuses make this sport unwatchable, save for one. Tiger Woods. And no, Bryan, not even your love for flannel pants can make me agree that this game is enjoyable.

I never liked golf until I saw an electrifying young man with a Nike swoosh for a smile win The Master’s when I was 14. But as much as I can’t stand being bored, I can’t turn a blind eye to greatness. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Tiger beat

Too many balls on the field

Americans just don’t care about soccer. Maybe it’s the fact that we didn’t invent it, maybe it’s the fact that they don’t serve alcohol at the games in Europe, maybe it’s the lack of anything ever happening in an average game. Whatever the reason may be, the “rest of the world” (oh yeah? Then where’s Canada?) loves the sport, but that is because the rest of the world is clinically insane.

An Italian soccer team lined up for a free kick (they give them away for free because they’re not worth much) and dropped their shorts, trying to block the goalie’s view of the ball. This is the first time in professional sports where someone has intentionally dropped their pants since the 1926 U.S. Open, when Archibald “Crazy Pants” Fitzgerald dropped trou in an attempt to distract Bobby Jones while he was making a putt on the 15th green.

It’s not a birdie, it’s not an eagle …

We all remember that glorious fastball thrown by Randy Johnson that made a pigeon explode. The fact that it was caught on tape has cemented in the annals of history. Currently, it sits at the top of ESPN’s list of Greatest Highlights of the War on Animals. Now, there’s a new one.

A golfer killed a protected hawk because it was making noise during the filming of his show. Tripp Isenhour was filming a television show when a red shouldered hawk began squawking loudly and disrupting Isenhour. He got mad, drove over to the tree the hawk was in, and started hitting balls at it. Clearly, the bird was stupid, because it never flew off.

When the hawk came in closer, Isenhour said “I’ll get him now,” and hit the bird, killing it.

Now for some reason, the Humane Society is getting all uppity about it, and Isenhour could get fined or sent to jail for 14 months. This blog really doesn’t see why. Everyone who has ever golfed, regardless of their stance in the War on Animals, enjoys making birds scatter with an errant shot. Isenhour just had the drive to accomplish his goal–the sign of a true athlete and dedicated warrior.