Drinking: The real national pastime

As with most things in life, watching sports is better with alcohol. It turns out that here in America, if you’re watching a game, you’re probably drunk.

According to a recent poll of Americans who drink, almost no one watches sports without a buzz. Leading the way are football and baseball, with 84% and 78% saying they associate those sports with alcohol, respectively. These are followed by car racing, hockey, horse racing, basketball and boxing. The soberest sports out there, with less than half the respondents associating them with booze, are golf, soccer, beach volleyball and tennis. So basically, the sports people don’t watch anyway.

Now you have actual data to convince the bartender to turn off the Premier League.

You Missed It: Fool’s gold edition

Lochte also complained that the medals didn't have chocolate inside of them.
Lochte also complained that the medals didn’t have chocolate inside of them.

I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.

What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.

Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.

Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.

Venezuelan golfers may lead their country to war with Swiss

Things are tense right now in Venezuela, as golf balls could trigger an international incident.

Switzerland and Venezuela, natural enemies for as long as anyone can remember, appear to be on the brink of war because people can’t keep their drives in the fairway. The Swiss ambassador’s residence has been pelted with golf balls because it borders a hole at the Caracas Country Club. The ambassador has warned Venezuela that the Swiss people will not tolerate such an affront to their national pride, going to far as to post a sign warning that should an errant golf ball injure or kill anyone in Swiss territory, it would violate the Vienna Convention.

These are dark days. Let us all hope that the traditionally hawkish Swiss cool down, and Venezuelan golfers improve their aim.

Gator plays through

And no one cared. What is wrong with Florida?
And no one cared. What is wrong with Florida?

Golf isn’t the most exciting sport in the world, that’s part of the appeal. Still, any real sport needs to have an element of danger. There’s no shortage of threats to safety when you place golf in Florida.

In Englewood, Florida, some golfers were stopped when a 13-foot alligator crossed their path, and decided to settle on the green they were heading to. A clear threat to mankind when we try to relax. The crazy part is that Florida golfers seem to treat this as a regular occurrence.

Let’s just hope California golfers don’t treat airplanes on greens so casually.

You Missed It: Ugly Canadian edition

Acquitted, bitches.
Acquitted, bitches.

It really sucks right now to be a sports fan. There’s no football to look forward to, and the Olympics aren’t here yet. Meanwhile, it’s cold and no one wants to go outside. There’s hockey and golf, but let’s be honest, in terms of popularity in the U.S., those rank just above lacrosse and soccer. In other words, if you’re watching them, you’re either a fanatic or a foreigner. Just one more week. If you were busy getting indicted for accepting bribes this week, odds are you missed it.

In case you’re not sick of this story already
This week, Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans.

Guy known for his mouth is handed a microphone
Richard Sherman also had tongues wagging this week. After his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks corner did a 30-second interview with Erin Andrews where he boasted about his abilities. People said he was rude, they said racist things, then others said the racists were racists, and anyone who didn’t like the interview was a racist, too. In other words, we really just didn’t have a lot to talk about this week.

Women, control your libidos around the GOP
Women don’t want to be told what to do, right guys? Like they want to be told they can do whatever the men do and not be held down because they are the weaker gender, amiright? That’s essentially what former Arkansas Gov. Mick Huckabee said before the Republican National Committee this week, probably because there were no women in the room. He said, and this is true, that Democrats try to oppress women by telling them they just can’t control “their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government.” I guess if you’re a heartthrob like Huckabee, all you see are women who can’t control their libido.

Kim Jong-il ‘Chuck-norrised’ Chuck Norris

Some of our political leaders have taken some heat for their fetishistic worship of the Founding Fathers, casting them as perfect men who planned the entire future of a nation that had never existed before.

While that’s goofy, it could be worse. And by that, we mean Kim Jong-il worse.

An article in The Telegraph reports a list of various myths that have been ascribed by North Korean propaganda to the littlest tyrant. Our personal favorite?

“The first time he picked up a golf club, in 1994, Kim reportedly shot a 38-under par round on North Korea’s only golf course, including 11 holes-in-one. He then decided to retire from the sport for ever.”

We heard that the orgasms he gives to supermodels are so traumatizing that they are left with no memory of the encounter and will deny ever meeting him. He’d be concerned if he weren’t so busy suing J.K. Rowling for plagiarizing his autobiography to create Harry Potter.

Take it from Snee: Seriously business

If you work, then you’ve seen them: motivational posters. Like most propaganda, they use simple slogans and mind-searing images to raise your work level to Glorious Benefit for Behalf Father Company.

As a technical writer, I can’t help but notice that either:

A) Somebody didn’t realize what they were writing at the time.

B) Yes, they did.

C) Some combination of A and B where the powers that be noticed that an innocent slogan has a double-meaning, like eighth graders laughing at “penal code.”

So, let’s jump right in! Don’t forget to persevere through innovation outside the box on the way! Continue reading Take it from Snee: Seriously business

Fire in the hole!

There are many deathsports in the world: Russian Roulette, Duck-Duck-Shark, Taser Tag …. All mere child’s play!

The truly most dangerous sport–especially in dry grasslands–is golf.

One unidentified golfer in Irvine, California proved this deadly fact when his iron club grazed a rock, pitching a spark into the rough. The resulting fire spread quickly and was eventually put out by 150 firefighters.

A memorial will be unveiled for the two bushy hillsides that are no longer with us.

But he can only drive if he’s got decent protection

Speaking of quarterbacks, Tony Romo, or “Dull Tony,” as he’s known in the Latin community, is something of a golfer.

Sure, he’s one of those celebrities you see out in the pro-am tournaments, but he’s trying to qualify for the U.S. Open, advancing one round after playing in a local qualifier. True to form, Romo said he plans on getting a bit farther before letting the wheels fall off his game.

The McBournie Minute: Don’t let Tiger Woods drive the golf cart

Welcome back, everyone. Hope both of you had a great Thanksgiving. I can’t speak for the rest of The Guys, but as much as I enjoyed a little time to relax, I missed being able to write–so much so that my fingers are rusty. I mean that metaphorically, of course.

No one’s really talking about it at the moment, but I hear tell that Tiger Woods, who you may know is a professional golfer, and pretty good, at that, got in a car accident outside his home while we were gone. What we do know is that it happened in the wee hours of the night, when nothing but arrests and pregnancies happen. We know that Woods was leaving his house when he hit a fire hydrant, which probably made an awesome geyser like you see in movie car chases. We know he hit a tree head on. We know that at some point the driver’s side window was broken.

We know that this isn’t the first time Tiger’s drive has gone off course and gotten him in a pickle. What? No more golf jokes? Fine. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Don’t let Tiger Woods drive the golf cart