In 1620, a group of British religious zealots decided to set up shop on Cape Cod because they were running out of beer. It wasn’t the first time booze was involved in land acquisition, and it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, it just happened.
A British man posted on Reddit last week asking if anyone knew the location of a seemingly random parcel of land in Little Rock, Arkansas. He was asking about it, after being told by his friends that he had gotten drunk and bought the land. It was part of his brilliant plan to post a sign with his friend’s face on the land, so that it would show up on Google Maps one day, which sounds exactly like a plan one would make if they were drunk.
Also, being drunk helps make living in Little Rock more attractive.
For as long as there has been a United States of America, there has been a Canada sitting on top of it. Except for that time when there were two Canadas. I think there was a War Between the Provinces or something, I’m not up on Canadian history. But Canada has been there for a really, really long time.
It’s been there in our time of need. The Canadians were there to supply us with booze when Americans decided that we should all stop drinking for some reason. It has also given us some great comedians and mostly crappy musicians, all while letting us film our movies and TV shows there for tax purposes.
Robots are coming to take away your jobs, including the ones you don’t like doing but don’t want anyone else doing for you, like driving you to work. But what if it turns out the machines can’t drive any better than you?
We knew this day was coming: a self-driving car has been blamed for causing an accident. Google admitted that one of its driverless cars was at least partly responsible for hitting a bus last month. These things are so smart, but can see stealthy, streamlined vehicles like municipal buses.
The car was only going 2 mph when it hit the bus, but still, these things don’t have morals. What’s to stop a driverless car from fleeing the scene after it hits you? How do you report that to the police?
Russia may smell nice, but it’s a very dark and evil place, according to Google.
The company recently fixed a bug in its translation app where “Russian Federation” was translated as “Modor” from Ukrainian to Russian. It was also translating “Russians” as “occupiers,” apparently mad about the Russian annexation of Crimea last year. Google said the error wasn’t caused by humans, as the Google Translate app isn’t updated manually. It was likely so many people were using these terms online that the app started to assume the words meant the same thing.
Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov was translated as “sad little horse,” which sounds as Eastern European as an insult can be.
Apparently some Google exec broke the freefall record set by Felix Baumgartner just a couple years ago. He jumped higher than any human has every jumped. Only thing is that it wasn’t sponsored by Red Bull, so no one knew it was going to happen. In that case, what’s the point? Why walk across the Grand Canyon on a wire if no one’s watching? We don’t do stunts for ourselves, we do them for the attention. If you were busy getting your reality show cancelled this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, Queen Elizabeth II sent out her first tweet to open an exhibit at the Science Museum in London. In her tweet, she greeted everyone to the exhibit and expressed her hopes that everyone enjoys it. All of her tweets since then have been nothing but pictures of her grandchildren and conspiracy theories.
The Steve Jobs we deserve
It was announced this week that Christian Bale will play Steve Jobs in yet another movie about the deceased Apple genius of geniuses, directed by Aaron Sorkin. In the announcement, Sorkin said that Bale will “crush” the role of Jobs. Bale said he’s looking forward to the role, as he has a lot of experience playing billionaires who develop their own technology by day, and crush the windpipes of bad guys by night.
After a mother complaints went viral, Toys R Us pulled Breaking Bad action figures from its shelves. In response, actor Aaron Paul criticized the company’s decision, and fans formed a counter-petition to bring the toys back. In other news, thousands of people in Africa are dying from Ebola.
The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s a series of wires. And many of those wires are underwater. The animals know this, and are trying to exploit our weakness.
Apparently, sharks like to eat fiber cables that we use to share cat videos with the world. They either just like to bite things they find, or they enjoy the taste of them. Either way, they are intentionally going after our communications networks, which means a large-scale attack may be imminent. The problem is so bad that Google is now wrapping its cables in Kevlar.
One of the worst things about our civilization is advertising. It’s been around pretty much as long as humanity has. It’s supposed to be eye-catching first and informative second, but today, it’s really just more annoying than anything. Perhaps because we see them over and over again.
I’m known for yelling at my TV, sober or not, because I don’t like being lied to and most commercials are terrible liars. The thing is, I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes. Critiquing commercials is apparently a weird hobby of mine, and since I’ve been watching a lot of football, I’ve seen a lot of the same crap commercials. They aren’t even Super Bowl commercials.
I never thought I’d come to bash the actors I liked so much in college. I have a long history of bashing Will Ferrell for getting progressively worse, and also the evil plot to ruin the legacy of Anchorman for me by making a sequel. Now, sadly, I have to turn my sights on Vince Vaughn.
He’s a tall guy, like myself, who serves as a cautionary tale for what could happen if you give up sleeping and start eating fried chicken full-time instead. But that’s just fine. He still seems like a good guy. So why is it when he teamed up with Owen Wilson for the first time since Wedding Crashers, it bombed in the box office?
It’s just about the end of the day, and that means you’ve nearly survived April Fools’ Day, which is easily the worst day to have an internet connection. Suddenly, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to announce something jaw dropping and seeing who believes them, and even companies are getting in on the action.
It wasn’t always like this. April Fools’ Day used to be a day of elaborate pranks to get a rise out of people. It was once known as a day to either seek a playful revenge on a rival or get the goat of a good friend. No one puts Lifesavers in their friends’ shower head anymore, no one leaves a pair of pants on top of some shoes in the office bathroom stall and counts the hours until the EMTs are called. Today we settle for Facebook pictures of someone’s cubicle filled with packing peanuts.