SeriouslyGuys knows more than dick jokes

Aren’t there enough eggs up there already?

SeriouslyLadies, The Guys would never presume to tell you what to do with your body. We firmly believe that whatever you choose is between you, your doctor and your book club. But, if we could offer a little advice? Maybe don’t stick jade up your vagina.

We may not have labia or be Gwyneth Paltrow, but — if we did — we’d keep the shortlist of vaginal accouterments to surgical, hypoallergenic and (we can’t stress this enough) non-porous materials. Because, apparently, Ms. Paltrow’s advice to go hands-free with jade eggs is not medically advisable or deliver any of her Goop-y promises.

A jade egg won’t make you more orgasmic, unless you’re counting newly colonized organisms that caught a lift in the microscopic fissures in its surface. And it won’t make your vaginal contractions stronger — you’ll have to open jars the old-fashioned way.

As for sticking anything inside of us, we always follow our ear doctor’s advice: nothing smaller than our elbows.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.