Tag: Gordon

Brought to you by letters H, N, number 1

For 40 years, we’ve watched dogs and bears and pigs and stuff live with humans consequence-free on an untraceable New York neighborhood known as Sesame Street.

But 40 years of propaganda cannot cover up the very real threat of swine flu.

Elmo and, human cast member, Gordon have teamed up with U.S. federal agencies, including the Department of Health and Human Services, to teach kids to cover their f$%king mouths when they sneeze and wash their damn hands before bringing us our beers.

That’s all well and good, but they’re still harboring Patient Zero.

I can’t let you do that, Dave

Nobody likes growing old, right? I mean, it’s pretty bothersome, what with the adult diapers, lack of beneficial driving skill, eventual coming death and shrinking of height (hey, I’m already short enough as it is). Want to be able to cheat death and also be an abomination in the eyes of any god that’s not composed of metallic logic? Then you want to be robo-frankenstein!

Yes, “Gordon”, a “frankenrobot”, has been brought to life with living brain tissue. Most interestingly enough, the brain tissue comes from rats. Awesome! Not only does this eventually prolong our life, but it helps with our war against those insidious rodents! Even more so, Gordon has been described as looking akin to the recent summer smash hit “Wall-E“. It’s so cute that it couldn’t hurt us, right?

Oh yeah, that’s right-it’s composed of the brains of dead rats. That should be an innocuous enough fact, if it weren’t for the more relevant fact that we’re currently in the middle of a war with animals. They clearly wouldn’t want to take revenge on us with their cold, steel arms, would they? Survey says: yes they would. Even an AdrienneBarbeauxbot.