Knife fight!

We all know that zoos are prisons for the enemies we capture. Better yet, they give us a chance to look the enemy in the eye and know that they are defeated. But like any prison, someone’s going to get shanked behind bars.

The Calgary Zoo got a little tense recently, when a western lowland gorilla (the highland gorillas wear kilts) grabbed a knife and pointed it at another gorilla. Why? Because sometimes your cell mates need to know what’s up. No one’s sure how the knife got in there, but word is the gorilla is now in solitary for a few days until he talks.

HBO: You need to get on a new show, it’s like OZ with animals!

Gorilla warfare

With all the war and genocide going on in Africa, there’s one slaughter that should be happening but just isn’t. That is the genocide of the mountain gorillas in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Through all the battling going on between the government and the rebel forces, the population of the mountain gorillas has increased in Congo. This is most likely because the citizens of Congo (Congoese?) have been too busy killing each other and not killing the real, ever-present animal enemy in its largest controlled territory in the world.

It can be said that animals rule Sub-Saharan Africa, which for the most part is jungle and wilderness surrounded by human infighting. Don’t you see that’s what they want you to do? Quit fighting your brothers for the throne and go after the beasts who lay seige to your kingdom.

What are you thinking, India?

India had a gorilla. Only one gorilla. They know exactly where it is at all times and they have even been trying to fix her up for the past eight years. Nothing’s happened on that front.

Obviously, we say good job, matchmakers. We don’t need any more gorillas in this world, and certainly India is included in that. Gorillas are like nuclear (or “nukular,” for our Republican leadership readers) weapons. The more of them there are, the worse off everyone is. Yet India insists on proliferating apes of mass destruction.

India, don’t you have enough problems as it is? Your country is over populated, you’re in an arms race with Pakistan (aka Next On Our Invasion List), and your cities are already overrun with monkeys. Sounds to us like you have enough primate problems as it is.

Say, we know a nice date for your girl.