It was this or become Cardinals fans

"On National Day of the Cowboy, we ask that you, regardless of religious or team affiliation, remove your hat before asking sympathetically, 'How 'bout dem Cowboys?'"
“On National Day of the Cowboy, we ask that you — regardless of religious or team affiliation — remove your hat before asking sympathetically, ‘How ’bout dem Cowboys?'”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed into a law a holiday commemorating cowboys, saying that the American Southwest will never forget what a great team they were and could have been had they not signed Tony Romo for another six years.

“These men and women — of all races and backgrounds — are among the truest symbols of the American southwest,” Gov. Brewer said of Dallas fans, the largest and most annoying fan base in pro-football. “Even they deserve better than this.”

The holiday will take place on the fourth Saturday every July, or shortly before the Hall of Fame Game in which Romo will disappointingly kickoff the NFL preseason this year. In solidarity with Dallas’ salary cap, it will be an unpaid holiday.

This is what pro-lifers actually believe

The abortion debate is no simple matter. Both sides present a nuanced morality in which the lives of women, and the babies that poop inside of them, are fraught with trauma and heartbreak … at least until yesterday.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed a bill Tuesday that makes it a felony for doctors to perform an abortion for a mother that does not want her child based on race or gender. It’s the first law of its kind according to state legislators, to whom we say finally!

It’s a proven statistic that parents who just loves themselves some abortion and only want one boy and one girl will abort the rest until they achieve it. That’s where the “2.5 kids” average comes from: the half is actually the assembled parts of all the fetuses that didn’t make the cut.

And, of course, it’s high time we put an end to racist mothers who clearly had sex with someone of another race.

Remember: if you’re not for this bill, then you are a racist, sexist hate criminal.

Arizona kills Home EKKKonomics classes

In yet another reactionary move against an imagined enemy, Arizona has passed a new bill, this time to ban “schools from teaching classes that are designed for students of a particular ethnic group, promote resentment or advocate ethnic solidarity over treating pupils as individuals.”

So, that should remove the following classes from Arizona schools:

1) Any language class. English? Spanish? French? They all sound like an insidious attempt to change the way we think, starting with the voice in our heads. Plus, we all know that the native speakers typically take these courses because they’re an easy A … well, except English.

2) American History. Oh, so we’re only going to learn about Americans, eh? Let’s look at the section on World War II–just as we thought! Anti-Nazi biases! And just where are the sections about famous Asian-American philosophers?

3) Lunch. The spice levels of cafeteria food are clearly set for a Caucasian digestive tract.

4) Physical Education. We’re OK with keeping PE if they don’t teach basketball. Or baseball. Or soccer. Basically, they just need to teach non-team sports that the white kids can excel at while encouraging their individuality.

Arizona: where passing unenforceable laws is OK, so long as they can convince Mexicans to move along.