Hollandazed and confused no longer

Hey, pot smokers. While we appreciate your readership over the years (assuming you arrived here by mistakenly typing “Seriously guys, can I overdose on weed?” in your Google search), it appears that the Dutch have had enough of your s@%t.

A judge has upheld a proposed government ban on selling marijuana to non-Dutch citizens in their world-famous coffee bars. The government is hoping to clean up their reputation for catering to “drug tourists,” believing that this could bring back the kind of nice, clean-cut tourists that visit for Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

On the plus side, this should reduce the decibels of stoned conversation in the Van Gogh museum.

Syria: the Fonzie of the Middle East

The Syrian government detained 32 protesters, charging that they were seriously damaging Syria’s “rep.” The detainees were demonstrating against Syria’s detention of other political prisoners, which also demonstrates that they did not fully understand the original problem.

Damascas officials have not indicated when they will release these protesters, but they have hinted that they may place their mothers under house arrest for making them look uncool in front of the guys.

We’re rich!

Quick everyone, check your hundred dollar bills! What you have are limited edition objects-they’re real items!

I say this to you all because the government currently has a bit of a problem involving the green stuff (no, not the same problem that the state of California has been bringing up every two years). It would seem that the new bills that they printed, filled with all sorts of wacky and fantastic high tech security whatnots and doodads (industry terms, my friends in the information technology world tell me), might be just a wee bit too high tech for their own good. Sadly, this isn’t just a small batch of money either; no, we’re talking an amount to the tune of 1.1 billion.

The reasons for why this happened are unknown, and it’s being reported that the bills are currently being held in cash packs … for now. Who knows what fate might lie for these now government issue counterfeit bills?

Before we go, let me drop one more number on you: 120 million. That’s amount of money it took your federal government to print these bills that won’t be used. Let the ranting by the unwashed masses of the internet begin in the comments!

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Thomas: Don’t question the government

Addressing an audience at the University of Florida law school, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas told a group of future lawyers that asking too many questions can “run the risk in our society of undermining institutions that we need to preserve our liberties.”

That’s right. The man whose job is to question and probe the founding document of our nation told a group of people who will need to question and probe that document and others that define the law of land, that to criticize the government and U.S. Supreme Court “[borders] on being irresponsible.”

Yes, Clarence “I Just Helped Overturn Eight Previous Supreme Court Rulings” Thomas said that. To lawyers.

Are we sure we want Supreme Court Justices to be lifetime appointees? Or did we just destroy America by asking that?

The McBournie Minute: Obama won’t buy my car

The Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS), better known as Cash for Clunkers, was supposed to go until November. Funding lasted roughly a week. Nice job on that one, guys. Good planning. This is from the same people who brought you the digital conversion rebate program–which was underfunded.

But rather than get in a government-related rant, let’s look at this a bit closer. MY CAR DIDN’T QUALIFY.

What the hell? I pay my taxes, I stand for the national anthem at baseball games, hell, I can even say the Pledge of Allegiance in Latin. America, why can’t you pay me back? All I ask for is $4,500 to go toward a new car, because let’s face it, my car just isn’t worth that. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama won’t buy my car

Money for nothing, check for free

In these harsh economic times (cliche point for me!), it’s not easy getting money. Nonetheless, here are simple steps to get a free dose of gubbament cheddar:

It’s that simple.

Put on your tin hats, kids. It’s conspiracy time. According to the government,

Social Security representatives said there is a good explanation. Of the about 52 million checks that have been mailed out, about 10,000 of those have been sent to people who are deceased.

That’s not a good reason. It’s an extremely costly reason. It’s also not the real reason. Everyone knows that the real reason is that the government is secretly attempting to fund a covert nation of zombies. Clearly.

How utterly despicable.

What? There are benefits to being unemployed?

Hey there guy and/or girl! Are you an unemployed foreigner who wants to get out of Japan? Of course you are! We all are! Well, now you’ve got a free ride, and it’s all courtesy of the Japanese government.

Just don’t expect to get back in, though.

Foreigners in Japan on Nikkei visas and are out of a job now have a free plane ticket home. A nice sum of 300,000 yen (roughly $3043 dollars US as of the time of writing) will be given to the head of the household; 200,000 yen to dependents. Book your flights and adios. But there is a cost here: no coming back. If you take payment, you’re agreeing to give up the right to claim Japanese heritage to get back into Japan (on a visa) in the future. Tough break, weeaboo.

That’s kind of nice, don’t you think? “If you wanna go, go. Oh, and here’s some money to do so.” Just be careful of the vigilant militia of former pilots that patrol the airports.

Lincoln sees eight legs of terror but two fangs of death

Quick riddle: what’s got enough power to kill a person, is nothing but an inch long at most and loves to live where people are? Why, it’s the brown recluse spider that’s infested the Nebraska Vocational Rehabilitation Office in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Now, take that joke and multiply by approximately a gazillion.

Yes, it’s spiders gone wild down in Nebraska’s capital city. Workers in the office have valiantly been doing their part by killing hundreds of the arachnid terrorists, but sadly, it’s just not enough. Experts suspect that many of them are surviving simply by living in underground colonies.

What they do in their underground colonies, we may never know, but we can suspect a few things:

  • At least one of them is video taping plenty of messages to his fellow spiders.
  • Said leader may or may not have a “hide-out beard.”
  • Fornication between the spiders is a strong possibility.
  • Any act taking place in these underground colonies is evil.

Sadly, we can only speculate about the truth regarding what actually happens, because if we truly knew what went down in those dark, dank lairs of evil, it might shatter our entire world.

We’ve already seen one attack on our government offices this month alone. How many more will it take to end this threat, America?!

Pip-pip, cheeri-oh CRAP!

Me: So, it seems that Britain could have been an Iceland before Iceland.

Everyone reading at home: WHUH?

Yeah, so, yesterday, Iceland’s government kind of went kaputski due to major economic issues. Posers. It now seems that the entire United Kingdom’s banking system was simply 180 minutes away from imploding. As in, three quarters of a football game.

Real football, everyone else of the world. None of that soccer nonsense.

Anyways, it would seems that people dropping tons of money into the banks earlier were also attempting to pull that money out, come hell or high water. Since this nearly collapsed the British banking system, think of this in large, massive scale amounts of money being taken away all at once.

So, what could this have meant for the rest of the world?

In three hours, we almost saw Atonement turned into Oliver Twist.