Pennsylvania Governor Bill Corbett filed a lawsuit against the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State. The school received a $60 million fine, a four year bowl game ban and limited scholarships for, according to a report by former FBI director Louis Freeh, failing to disclose Jerry Sandusky’s shower fun times with children since they first became aware of it back in 1998.
Gov. Corbett, who served on the Penn State Board of Trustees back when the scandal broke, reviewed the NCAA’s bylaws and alleged that the college sports association overstepped its boundaries:
“Corbett’s spokesman, Kevin Harley, said Corbett came to believe the NCAA had overstepped its bounds and had not followed its bylaws, which limited sanctions to infractions relating to recruitment, academics, and football.”
See? Nothing about molesting children, so it’s OK when your school profits from it.
If there’s one thing people love, it’s an apology. The more public or documented, the more it shows how humbled the offender truly was provides satisfaction for the aggrieved. Of course, they don’t always go as planned.
The West Yorkshiretonville police have released the apology letter of a convicted British burglar that he was forced to write by his young offenders’ program. And, he gave the sincerest forced apology he could muster: by apologizing for how stupid his victim was to have left their downstairs window open at night. While it was released to the public and run in newspapers around the world, the letter was not delivered to the victim to spare their feeli — whoops.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”
His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.
Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.
Baggy pants are officially banned from public schoolsby law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.
A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.
The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?
It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”
There are many foes to humanity in the War on Animals. Some are more obvious than others. While the hedgehog has quills that disperse the most virulent strain of AIDS in nature(citation pending), people still think they make cute pets.
But, there’s no question when it comes to sharks. It should go without saying that sharks are one of man’s oldest enemies. Why, if you open their stomachs, you’ll find SCUBA tanks inside. That’s right: they don’t even bother to outright eat humans, just take our air and leave us to drown.
When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.
The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.
On April 12, 1861, Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter, starting a war that would end three days earlier in 1865 at Appomattox Court House.
Because of both sides’ time travel technology, it would be the bloodiest American war until an unfortunate Red Cross “water balloon” fight last weekend in the Bed Bath & Beyond parking lot. (Sorry, Haiti. Maybe you can transfuse next week.)