Great Lakes gone to carp

The press is buzzing with what must be the most spell-checked story in the War on Animals. According to Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, the federal government is not doing enough to fight carp.

Gov. Granholm–along with the governors of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin (commonly referred to as “the carp states”)–has asked the White House and the U.S. Supreme Court to shut Chicago-area locks. This strategy encloses the carp into a proverbial barrel for killing before they can reach the Great Lakes, which are only getting carpier and carpier by the minute.

Critics of the lock closing plan, including Assistant Secretary of the Army of Civil Works (the Fightin’ Civil Workers!) Jo-Ellen Darcy said the plan is total crap because the carp can still get pumped out of a Chicago station.

One thing’s for sure: unless we scoop these carp out of our water systems, we’ll be up to our armpits in it.

… But Virginians all drive 80 mph

As the recently-elected Virginia governor, Bob McDonnell, promised, a bill is slowly making the rounds to increase interstate highway speed limits from 65 to 70 mph.

This is just the latest effort by the Commonwealth to bring the speed limits into sync with the actual driving habits of Virginians, particularly those from the northern parts. School zones, unfortunately, remain a stifling 25 mph–fast enough to kill, but too slow to to clear the obese 11-year-old underneath and take off again.

Some opponents to the bill believe that the 5 mph speed increase will waste fuel, lead to more accidents and require unwarranted spending to adjust signs.  These same opponents, however, have yet to propose lowering the speed limit to a safer, more fuel efficient 40 mph.

We guess the lesson is that safety’s one thing, but not if it means running late for work.

Someone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers

At this point, you'd think they'd buy a new damn car.Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.

Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.

“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”

Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.

Quarter of The Guys thankful to not live in Va.

Ugh.

SeriouslyGuy Rick Snee thanked God this morning that he no longer lives in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Why, you may ask? Why would he prefer to live in Alabama?

Because he’s unlikely to receive an automated phone call, or robocall, from Sarah Palin about the governor’s race down in the capital of Conservaphilia.

The former Alaskan governor and current neo-Paris Hilton recorded a message for the Faith and Freedom Coalition, urging Virginian voters to “to go to the polls Tuesday and vote to share our principles.”

Great, so not only did she make one of those “irritating” robocalls, but she couldn’t even be more specific about who best represents “her principles?” Leave it to a woman to expect you to read her mind.

Not the best comparison, dude

Since he brought the image to mind, we figured we'd share it with all of you.Surprisingly still Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford is facing an ethics probe into his travels.

The probe has been arranged by his Republican collegues in a mens’ room to look for mis-use of state resources and unreported sponsored flights.

In part 14 of the ongoing series–Now Why the Hell Did Mark Sanford Say That On Public Record?–Sanford told The Washington Times:

“I think I now know what Sarah [Palin] may have been feeling.”

Dude, if you’re going for the sympathy card, you should probably compare yourself someone that people feel sorry for.

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.

The institution of marriage

"Thank God I'll never have to go back to beautiful Argentina ever again."The one question on everyone’s mind after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return from Argentina was, “When’s the divorce?” On June 24, Gov. Sanford even said that he and his wife were “effectively separated.”

And then Jenny Sanford realized how to really punish him in the time-honored political way: they’ve been working on their marriage for the past seven weeks and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. (Read: the rest of his life.)

It may be cheaper to keep her, but not when you’re paying for counseling, gifts and trips to exotic locations to get over that Argentine Retreat.

‘Help, I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Alaska!’

And this should conclude our Sarah Palin photoshops.

In the conclusion to the reality show that just won’t get off the air, The Palins, Sarah stepped down from her position as governor of Alaska.

She thanked all the media that gathered around her and had turned her into a celebrity:

“‘So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people [named Sarah Palin].'”

The media, of course, were confused by her reference to American soldiers. Maybe that new Hurt Locker movie? The war in … Iram or whatever?

Palin and her family then stepped into a helicopter that dropped them off at their truck, which was loaded up for their move to Beverly.

Hills, that is.

Don’t cry for him, Charleston

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is back from his trip to the grocery store for smokes the Appalachian Trail the South American country of Argentina … wait, what?

That’s right: he was out of the country. No calls, no giving the Lt. Govenor the comm, not even telling his wife where he was going. He just picked up and Thelma and Louised it down to where the toilets flush backwards.

There are several fascinating aspects to this story:

  • His wife reportedly did not know where he was, preferring to stay home with the children. This has to be the most trusting marriage in America.
  • He went to Argentina. The only things Argentina is known for are Eva Peron and hidden Nazi war criminals. It’d be irresponsible to suggest he was unwinding by drinking schnapps out of Evita’s skull, so we’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • He came home “early.” He actually planned to stay out for an entire week. For fun, try going on an unannounced weeklong vacation from work without answering your boss’ calls. If you’re still employed, you must have been elected. By morons.
  • This is all because the S.C. legislature forced him to accept Federal Stimulus funds. This may be the most outrageous passive-aggressive tantrum thrown by a S.C. elected official since 1860 when State House Senator Aloicious Sharpe wrote a terse letter to Union troops stationed at Fort Sumter and did not sign it cordially.

Update: Oh, it was about a woman. Why not just say that in the first place? This could be as good for the Republican Party as that Catholic priest caught having sex with a woman.

Another win for intelligence! We did it!

The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?

It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.

“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.

“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”

It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.