World record broken, still lame

What did you do between September 4 and September 6? Twenty-six year-old private equity broker Chirantan Patnaik played Grand Theft Auto IV—for 40 hours and 20 minutes straight. We’ll guess that’s he not that much of a socialite.

The man from Mumbai started playing at his home on September 4 at 10:00 a.m. and wrapped up on September 6 at 2:00 a.m., taking only four breaks. His marathon play session was observed by observers and has earned its place in the Guinness Book, surpassing the previous record of playing GTA IV for 28 hours and 1 minute.

There are so many other games which I have played for long hours,” says Patnaik. But I had never tried playing this particular game seriously. However, I knew that I can do it after I saw my brother playing it … I enjoyed the game very much. It’s fun playing long hours. It wasn’t that exhaustive for me, as one might feel.”

To train for the event, he exercised, ran and did yoga, and while playing, he guzzled coffee and munched on dates. Next up, Patnaik plans to play for more 48 hours straight.

You know, I hate to play up a stereotype (actually, that’s a lie, as I don’t hate doing so in the very least), but somehow, I have questions as to whether he really exercised beforehand. Don’t believe me? Reference that quote again.

Feeling the color yellow newest feature in Grand Theft Auto

A man purchasing two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a store in Gloucestershire, England, over the weekend got more than he bargained for, to the tune of four tablets worth of the drug ecstasy. On the black market, that’s what would be called making your money back and then some.

Richard Thornhill purchased two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a Gamestation store in Cheltenham on Sunday. Upon opening one of the game boxes, a cling-film packet dropped from between the pages of the game manual containing four ecstasy pills, which he promptly brought to the local police station. Thornhill isn’t too keen to think about what could have happened if his 12-year-old son or 16-year-old daughter had found the pills.

“I have two children and my son plays Xbox all the time. He could easily have opened the box and found them. I dread to think what the consequences would have been if he had. He is only 12. He could have died.”

Of course any 12-year-old should know not to eat random pills they find inside video game boxes, but that’s beside the point. The point (that isn’t nearly as important, in all honesty) being driven home is that Gamestation sold a man a video game with psychedelic drugs inside it. How does that happen? Gamestation said:

“We have rigorous procedures for accepting pre-owned titles and checking them before they are put back on sale. We have launched an immediate investigation and we will work closely with police to find out what happened in this instance.”

Of course, no one’s actually discussing why the father was buying a game that’s equivalent of an R-rated game for his teenage daughter or pre-teen son. Heaven forbid. However, anyone who has ever traded in a game at GameStop knows full well that they never, ever check the game manuals. One could theoretically print out a bunch of porn from the internet, wrap the game manual’s cover around it, trade in their used copy of Animal Crossing, and then wait for the headlines to appear. Not that I am suggesting anyone try that, of course.

Actually, I take that back. I am totally suggesting someone try that.*

Somewhere in Gloucestershire a raver is completely kicking themselves right now.

*SeriouslyGuys cannot be held responsible for whatever actions that you take.

Guess who just inherited dishes duty?

Video games are evil. They’ll rot your brain and kill you. After playing, all you want to do is smoke pot, drink alcohol, commit multiple heinous felonies and become a malcontent for society. Nyeh.

These are all the sundry words spewed against gamers. It doesn’t matter if they’re totally untrue-they make great headlines. Of course, you know what makes a hilarious headline? When the victim is a gamer.

62-year-old Malcolm Palmer killed the mother of his three children after she became addicted to Grand Theft Auto. Carol Cannom, 46, apparently drove her partner mad by dragging a 37-inch plasma TV into the main bedroom and spending the entire night on her PS3. Malcolm was forced onto the sofa in order to get any sleep.

But wait, there’s more.

The PS3 was bought for their ten-year-old son, who would be allowed to play until midnight each night. Once he’d finished, the mother would take over until five or six in the morning. Malcolm also believed that Carol somehow had time for an affair, and turned violent when he was ordered out of the house, and told he’d never see his kids again.

He then inflicted 20 wounds with two knives, and the attack was overheard by their son, who dialed 999 (the equivalent to 911). Palmer grabbed the phone off the boy and said:

“I’m sorry. I think I killed her.”

Palmer’s defense lawyer is clinging to the gaming as a means of justifying his client’s attack, claiming that the

“Genesis of the tragedy bizarrely lies with the purchase of a PlayStation.”

Bizarre is right. Unfortunately, thanks to the ineptitude of the article, we’ll never figure out exactly which version of Grand Theft Auto it was. Sadly, the world may never know if the voice work of Ray Liotta, Young Maylay or Michael Hollick. And they call themselves professionals.

I learned how to press the X button for gas all by myself!

I am a resident of Virginia, and for the most part, I enjoy this state. It’s temperate, it’s got better drivers than those you would find in the state of Maryland (but then again, schools for the blind have better drivers-I kid, I kid) and it’s not that wholly objectionable of a state.

Of course, there are also times that make me wish I lived in a different state. This is one of those times.

A six-year-old Virginia boy was so intent on getting to school one morning that, after missing the school bus, he decided to help himself to the family sedan and drive there.

However, being six, he only managed to find a utility pole instead.

He only suffered minor injuries, and was even able to get to school, escorted there by authorities after a quick hospital evaluation. Since mom was asleep when the driving proviso decided to start his day, his parents were charged with child endangerment, and he and his brother are now in protective custody.

The boy claims he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. Which, you know, is wonderful that the parents are clearing doing a great job of letting their youngster play GTA. This is a parenting tip we could all learn from.

Fun fact: Six-year-olds are magnets for utility poles. Really. Stick one in front of them and the two will be stuck together like white on rice.

How To: Survive rising gas prices

Unless you have been living under a rather large stone as of late (if you have, how are you reading this, much less keeping the stone’s crushing weight off of you?) you know all too well the toll filling up your gas tank can have on your wallet. While following our advice on how to manage your money is undoubtedly saving you thousands per year, it still hurts to gas up. That’s why The Guys are here to tell you how to survive rising gas prices. Continue reading How To: Survive rising gas prices

Schadenfreude: Sometimes it does taste like justice

Alright, it’s Friday. You think you don’t need a strong pick-me-up to start your favorite weekday. But is it 5 o’clock yet?

Yeah, didn’t think so. You still have to finish up the week’s drudgery while the kids off from school are already “warming up” the pool. (Don’t open your eyes underwater.) And you still need to fudge your time card before you sit in traffic with all of the other TGI-mother-Fers.

What you need is a steamy cup of all-natural Schadenfreude.

Jack Thompson, who you should be familiar with if you’ve ever read this blog or listened to a parent about video games, is in danger of being “found guilty on 27 of 31 counts of misconduct” by the Florida Supreme Court.

That’s right: Mr. Listen-to-me-because-I’m-a-lawyer may be demoted to crazy-angry-guy-on-talk-shows. He won’t be able to legally exploit the families of slain police officers because he can’t figure out the squares and circles on a Playstation controller.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

You Missed It: Father knows best edition

In case you had not heard from any of the estimated 800,000 news media reports, the economy seems to be heading toward the crapper, if it’s not already there. So if you were busy joining in on the run on the banks, odds are you missed it.

Vienna incest uncovered
On Sunday, the story broke that Josef Fritzl, 73, had fathered seven children with his daughter, after allegedly keeping her and her children held hostage for more than 20 years. Friztl was arrested and the daughter and her children are seeing therapists. Strange sex practices? Holding young women against their will? Law enforcement splitting up families? And they say Europeans are so different from Americans.

The newest ‘Grant Theft Auto’
Grant Theft Auto IV began shipping this week to people who pre-ordered it. Copies of the game quickly sold out in stores and record first-week sales numbers are expected. The game is receiving rave reviews from critics across the board. Also excited about the game’s early success: politicians running for office and looking for the next great witch hunt.

D.C. Madam now deceased madam
Deborah Jeane Palfrey, better known as the D.C. Madam, hanged herself in a shed next to her mother’s house in Florida. Reports indicate Palfrey had planned suicide before going to prison long in advance. There is no doubt many federal officials are crying their eyes out this week now that the D.C. Madam has gone to that big bordello in the sky.

Record high disapproval ratings
A CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll released Thursday shows that 71 percent of Americans disapprove of President George Bush–higher than any other president in modern history. After hearing the poll numbers, Bush made a statement acknowledging the poor showing and reminded the Americans that there was still a chance they could be invited to Jenna Bush’s wedding if they change their minds.

Take it from Snee: ‘Serial Killer’ game is A-OK

If there’s one thing I enjoy about art, it’s an artist’s ability to willingly create something guaranteed to offend the masses. It seems easy: find a piece of collectively assumed “common” thought, and then create something that challenges that thought. The difficulty is separating yourself from common sense long enough to finish that project and then defending it when the townfolk have arrived with your rail.

Ryan Hobson has this difficult part ahead of him right now. The artist has a board game on display at the Vermillion Gallery in Seattle, Washington. The game is adroitly titled, “The Serial Killer Trivia Game,” and consists of moving a player piece around the board and answering trivia questions about, go figure, serial killers. If you get the question right, you “kill” someone on that space, which represents a house.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘Serial Killer’ game is A-OK