NFL cares more about Tom Brady than concussions

Next up: Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.
Next up: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.

According to a newly released congressional report, the National Football League attempted to coerce the National Institute of Health to shape the results of their study on brain injuries. They donated $16 million to fund nearly the entire study and then withdrew their funding when the NIH refused to switch grant recipients or appoint the NFL’s own, non-NIH-affiliated health officials to oversee the study.

So, while $16 million is just too costly for the NFL to study concussions (even with the donated brains of former players who intentionally shot themselves in the chest for the research), it has no problem spending $12.5 million to take Tom Brady to the U.S. f*cking Supreme Court if it needs to over air pressure in footballs.

At least one teenager has justified the snotty attitude

It’s official: Angela Zhang is better than you. And me. And you and you and you.

At just 17 years old, the Wunderkind has managed to win a 100 grand grant from the Siemens Competition. What will the money be used for? Nothing short of developing a possible cure for cancer through the power of nanotechnology. Her project has been nicknamed “the Swiss army knife of cancer treatment” for the multi-purpose approach it takes with both cancer cells and cell imaging.

There’s only one problem, the name:

Her project was entitled “Design of Image-guided, Photo-thermal Controlled Drug Releasing Multifunctional Nanosystem for the Treatment of Cancer Stem Cells.”

That doesn’t exactly lend itself to a kick-ass acronym. We at SG suggest the project being renamed “C.A.N.C.E.R.P.U.N.C.H.” We don’t actually what it breaks down to, but at least the acronym tells you what the project does.

Kuwait proposes MILF grant

Kuwait has an infestation, and they need a few good men to root it out: unmarried women.

Spinsters are wrecking the oil-rich nation. The Kuwaiti government already pays men 4000 dinars ($14,000) to marry one woman. Now, they’re considering paying a similar dowry for marrying a second woman, who must be widowed, divorced or 40-years-old.

So, they might have that going for them.