America-hating groundhog steals flags from graves

A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.

Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.

Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.

Life is overrated

It ain’t easy being of the undead variety.

Chew on this: we’re born. We die. Everything that we do is ultimately fruitless. Just what value do we actually have? If you’re of the religious variety, you have your quote endquote eternal soul. So that’s gotta be of some value, right?

Well, if you’re using eBay as a value guide to judge the market, it’s worth around six hundred and sixty six dollars. American.

But it’s not all champagne and caviar for people sans life. Police in New York City found a bag of explosives in the graveyard. That’s not the bad news. The bad news is that they removed it. Look NYC, we know that since you’re a supremely large metropolitan area, you’ll be more susceptible to the inevitable zombie outbreak. With that said, could you at least look like you’re trying to be prepared for it? That bag of kablooey gum wasn’t an offensive move by a terrorist, it was obviously a smart defensive move by a concerned citizen.

The punishment for dying is death

When it comes to war, the French are known for glorious battles lasting more than 20 minutes, before finally sending up the white flag and giving up. But today they could get a new stigma in their own personal battle against death.

A village in southwestern France had its graveyard fill up recently, so its mayor has commanded the citizens not to die. In fact, if one does die, the mayor promises severe punishment. This blog is unsure of what stance to take at this point, as it is not clear if the town is going to punish the families of the deceased, or the deceased themselves, should they rise up again. This blog hopes it’s the latter. Zombies cannot be tolerated.