The Chronicles of Argentina

As everyone knows, we’re at war. We’re at war with animals, drugs, poverty, uncomfortable feelings and religions we don’t agree with. But, we’re allies, so that means we’re also at war with anyone they’re rattling sabres at.

Notice the British spelling of “sabers” above? That’s because it’s time to kick some spicy Argentine ass for the Falkland Islands again!

It may sound grotesque to cheerlead for war, but it’s the Falklands! Princes will go to battle in a magical world where toilets flow backwards and puffins dot the landscape. If the Brits filmed this with children and Shakespearean actors, you’d Fandango tickets this very instant.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to write ourselves into some Falkland fan-fiction as invaluable American assistance.

Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

All of your friends are probably doing it, too.Ever since adults picked up literacy from their kids, the world has been divided into two types of people:

  1. Those who read Harry Potter and tragically admit to it
  2. Those who read Harry Potter and hide it behind protesting too much

Let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter and watching the movies and maybe even dressing up every once in a while (if you’re hot). Though the wheel may be squeaky, the real problem isn’t adults.

It’s not even witchcraft, morally-ambiguous elf slavery or alcoholism. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

Eat your heart out, animals!

We think of Canada as a bunch of wusses, but in reality, they are downright scary. Luckily for us, they are also our closest allies.

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) and other traitorous organizations have sharply criticized Canada for its annual seal hunt. The groups fail to see the reason baby seals must be killed. Perhaps they would better understand if a baby seal snuck into their house at night and dragged off their children. It happens in Canada all the time.

In an act of defiance to all critics, a Canadian official gutted a freshly-killed seal, pulled out its heart and ate it raw. If that’s not a clear message, this blog has no idea what is. The official was actually Governor General Michaelle Jean. A governor general is like the Queen’s representative to England’s territories, so basically it’s like Queen Elizabeth herself ate the heart. Good show!

The heart-eating was not just to make our enemies think that Canada is bats&$t insane, but it was a message that, and this is true, traditional seal hunting is indeed humane.

“After eating the heart during a stop in Nunavut’s Rankin Inlet, Jean wiped her blood-soaked fingers with a tissue.”

Feeling the color yellow newest feature in Grand Theft Auto

A man purchasing two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a store in Gloucestershire, England, over the weekend got more than he bargained for, to the tune of four tablets worth of the drug ecstasy. On the black market, that’s what would be called making your money back and then some.

Richard Thornhill purchased two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a Gamestation store in Cheltenham on Sunday. Upon opening one of the game boxes, a cling-film packet dropped from between the pages of the game manual containing four ecstasy pills, which he promptly brought to the local police station. Thornhill isn’t too keen to think about what could have happened if his 12-year-old son or 16-year-old daughter had found the pills.

“I have two children and my son plays Xbox all the time. He could easily have opened the box and found them. I dread to think what the consequences would have been if he had. He is only 12. He could have died.”

Of course any 12-year-old should know not to eat random pills they find inside video game boxes, but that’s beside the point. The point (that isn’t nearly as important, in all honesty) being driven home is that Gamestation sold a man a video game with psychedelic drugs inside it. How does that happen? Gamestation said:

“We have rigorous procedures for accepting pre-owned titles and checking them before they are put back on sale. We have launched an immediate investigation and we will work closely with police to find out what happened in this instance.”

Of course, no one’s actually discussing why the father was buying a game that’s equivalent of an R-rated game for his teenage daughter or pre-teen son. Heaven forbid. However, anyone who has ever traded in a game at GameStop knows full well that they never, ever check the game manuals. One could theoretically print out a bunch of porn from the internet, wrap the game manual’s cover around it, trade in their used copy of Animal Crossing, and then wait for the headlines to appear. Not that I am suggesting anyone try that, of course.

Actually, I take that back. I am totally suggesting someone try that.*

Somewhere in Gloucestershire a raver is completely kicking themselves right now.

*SeriouslyGuys cannot be held responsible for whatever actions that you take.

Personally, I blame Sean Connery

That little area that most of you know mainly due to Braveheart, Sean Connery and kilts, Scotland, is apparently better than you.

And you.

And you.

Oh, and we can’t forget you.

So, what’s all the acclaim for? A survey found that Scots are the most spend concious Lotharios in Great Britain during these hard economic times. Yes, rather than torture themselves by window shopping, they’d much rather hop into the sack with someone else. We can only assume that they exhibit the principle of “one good turn deserves another”.  Unfortunately, it would seem that it truly is “hard out there for a pimp.”

Obama is British, too???

Just when it seemed like Obama was just about everything (black, white, Hawaiian, secret Muslim, a woman named Frieda), John McCain peels off yet another layer off of this onion of hope: he’s also British.

“He’s always been in the left lane of American politics.”

The left lane, people, like where the British drive.

You know who else was British? Great Britain. And they also liked to raise taxes: on tea, paper and podiatry. Fortunately, one man stood against those foul-toothed masses and shipped their bangers and mash back to Englandville. That man was John McCain.

So, who are you gonna call when Prime Minister Barack Obama taxes your crumpets and gives them to the unwashed poor? John McCain, who also remembers the Alamo.

His plan, of course, is to continue our system of taxing people with little to no money and give it back to the wealthy who were born deserving it. That’s the American Way™!

Child care expendible in England

The downfall of the U.S. economy is not only being felt here at home, it is being felt abroad as well. Yes, it is a sign of the times when wealthy British people are tightening their belts and letting go of their nannies.

This truly is sad news. How will our their nation’s wealthy care for their children when they are too busy working to continue their ridiculously wealthy lifestyle? Are they going to be forced to quit their jobs and raise their own children? Or even worse, send their children to day care with middle class children?

Let us remind you why this is bad for Americans. If British nannies cannot find work in their own country, they will come to the U.S., legally or not, and start raising our nation’s wealthy children to speak with accents, enjoy games like rugby and polo, and enjoy Earl Grey tea. Worst of all, they’ll be bringing with them their limey families and having anchor babies here so they won’t get deported. They won’t even speak our language! And slowly, they will sap our welfare system dry.

Watch the skies. There could be flying umbrellas westbound over the Atlantic already.

The UK continues fight against Decepticon menace; gets messed up

NERRRRRRRDDDDSSSS!Great Britain is a country that’s not exactly a stranger to controversy. They’ve always had a bit of bad luck in the past, what with the football hooligans, chavs and the whole bad teeth thing. And vinegar on potato chips? Whoa! Anyone that gave the world that should be held on trial. As such, it should be no surprise that they’re trying clean up their image. First they give way to Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg. Then they begin to deep-fry anything and everything. The latest step? Stopping the Decepticon menace and any and all forms of their vile propaganda!

Except … they kind of messed up along the way, mainly for two reasons. The nerd reason is that the individual on the shirt was Optimus Prime. He’s an Autobot, which are the good robots. The other reason, and is probably the more legitimate of the two was voiced by the individual who had been stopped at the airport, Brad Jayakody:

“It’s a cartoon robot with a gun as an arm. What was I going to do, use the shirt to pretend I have a gun?”

Seriously people.