Humans pretend to understand, like abstract art since Neolithic

Finally, archaeological evidence of the parallel DuckTales universe. (♩ Woo-oo! ♪)

Whenever modern art enters discussion (like you, The Guys keep up very erudite circles), there will inevitably be a few dissenters who cannot stand the abstract. While much can be expressed outside of recognizable shape and form, you can’t help but wonder if it’s making fun of you. And then, when you see the price tag on an over-sized mobile made of garbage, then you’re sure it is.

But, a new exhibit at the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece proves that we’ve struggled with — and yet insisted on — finding meaning in abstract modern art for the past 7,000 years. They are displaying a Neolithic sculpture tantalizingly titled the “7,000-year-old enigma.” What is it?

Carved out of granite, the 36 cm (14 inches) “enigma” statuette of the late Neolithic era has a pointed nose and long neck leading to a markedly round belly, flat back and cylindrical stumpy legs.

Great. But, what is it?

‘It could depict a human-like figure with a bird-like face, or a bird-like entity which has nothing to do with man but with the ideology and symbolism of the Neolithic society,’ Katya Manteli, an archaeologist with the museum, told Reuters.

OK, but is it a boy or a girl duck … thing?

More puzzling still is the lack of clear indication of sex. Is it due to technical sculpting limitations? Or did the sculptor intend to create an asexual figure. […] ‘Yes, it could be a pregnant figure but there are no breasts, used in Neolithic times to depict the female body. On the other hand it lacks male organs so it is presented as an asexual figure,’ Manteli said.”

But which bathroom does it use?! Very important legislators in the U.S. need to know before passing anti-trans laws and eliminating the National Endowment for the Arts.

‘There are enigmatic aspects to it which make it charming.’

Well, there we go. The perfect term to describe any thing that is noteworthy but otherwise indescribable: it’s charming. This proves once and for all that art has always existed to shamefully infuriate us.

Modern art: a 7,000-years-old tradition of shaming us into paying for museums.

The McBournie Minute: Do we really need a 311 beer?

There is no shortage of serious issues to address these days. Not that there was ever a time when there weren’t any problems that we as a society had to address, I just like opening up with a platitude. It gets you all on my side. And I don’t need to tell you that one of the most important issues today is beer.

It’s been a while since we talked about beer and the issues around it. I can tell you there is one non-issue getting a lot of press since the Super Bowl: the AB-InBev attack ad on craft beer. It’s not news that craft beer has long looked down its nose at poor-quality, mass-produced brews, but it was the first time one of the big boys hit back. It’s not an issue, because it didn’t do anything but get people riled up. No one watched the ad and decided to reconsider their taste in beer. No one. It just made beer related social media annoying to follow for a while.

So what’s really going on out there with beer? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Do we really need a 311 beer?

Bad dog! Bad anti-authoritarian dog!

You’re probably already aware that Greece is poised to economically ruin Europe, but what you may not realize is that their animals are involved.

Riots have broken out in Athens over an austerity bill that reins in public spending while raising taxes, perceived to target the poor and middle class almost exclusively. These riots have lead to clashes between armored police officers and young people with one very bad dog.

Sausage — or as he’s listed in The Illiad, Loukanikos — has tripped police officers down stairs and currently has charges pending for biting at least one person. And the worst part? He’s homeless, meaning he’s definitely engaged in class warfare.

Sausage is emblematic of the Greek problem: instead of euthanizing stray dogs, the Athens municipality neuters them and puts them on the Kibble dole. They even get free healthcare.

So, congratulations, Greece. You could have added Sausage to your gyros, but now you have to fight him in the streets, and the rest of the world will have to pay for it.

Even the government is getting behind on payments

Greece has had some issues as of late. Perhaps you’ve heard about the country going bankrupt and riots in Athens. At crucial times like that, it’s important that leaders be able to communicate. That didn’t work so well.

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou had his home phone cut off by accident recently when the phone company meant to cut off a customer who had not kept up with his or her bills. Oh well, not like there’s a nationwide crisis going on.

The beginning of every Michael Bay movie

Every criminal has their thing. Some have cats, others henchmen. Some of them use guns, others mental brainwaves.Some rob banks, others try to destroy the world.

Nikos Paleokostas uses a helicopter to escape from prison. Now repeatedly.

The Greek government and the definition of “maximum security” has been foiled once again by Paleokostas and the third dimension when two unidentified men hijacked a helicopter from Athens International Airport, flew it to Korydallos Prison and lifted the flighty inmate and a friend, Alket Riza, off the roof using a rope ladder.

Just to drive this punchline home: this is the second time he’s made this same escape from the same damn prison. They never took measures to prevent this from happening again, like keeping Paleokostas indoors or installing anti-aircraft weaponry.

So, to Korydallos Prison, we have to say, shame on you.

Warrior of the Week: Zeus

We may not really think of it anymore, but every time we hear thunder, it’s been scientifically proven that that’s Zeus, the king of gods, throwing lightning bolts down from Mount Olympus.

But did you know that Zeus hates animals just like you? It’s true. Archaeologists have discovered an ancient Greek cult worshiped Zeus, and would make pilgrimages to a mountaintop where they would sacrifice animals for the god. This means the War on Animals has had a blessing from one deity or another for thousands of years.

The Hindu gods don’t count, because a lot of them are part animal, and thus support the enemy.


SeriouslyGuys like to think of ourselves as very, very world-reknowned. I mean, we have to be in order to get you, our adoring audience and fans, the very best in news. We also like to think of ourselves as very attentive and determined. After all, who else would have brought you the news about the epic “Lesbos v. Lesbians” in May? What site would update you in June when Lesbos got their time in court? Certainly not the official Lilith Fair site, I can tell you that. And what site gives the final piece in this saga? SeriouslyGuys, that’s who.

Speaking of which, yes, it would seem that the case has finally come to a close. A court in Athens recently ruled that a word could not truly define the identity of those that reside in that area, and as such, lesbians was a fine enough word to describe gay groups. Also, the cost of the word lesbian is approximately $366.20 USD. Key words were spoken by Vassilis Chirdaris, head of G.L.U.G. (no, I swear to God that I’m not making up that acronym):

This is a good decision for lesbians everywhere

Personally, I’ll definitely agree with him. I’m hard pressed to think up of anything that goes along with “TOTALLY HOT ______ ACTION”.

Giving while the giving’s … free

Nine women and twelve men have been arrested in Greece for participating in an unsanctioned oral sex competition (as if there’s anything close to that being listed as sanctioned) on a beach in Greece. Joe Francis has been cleared of any connection to the event, as he was too busy being in jail to schedule it. The lesson learned? The next time this happens, make sure that it takes place in Madison Square Garden, like most big name sporting events. Or, the Greek island of Lesbos, which we hear is quite nice this time of year, if a bit confused about its identity.

We do have one question though: “encouraging obscene behavior?” You can really be arrested for that in Greece? Just what are the requirements to fulfill such an act?

OK, maybe that was more than just one question.





“Campaigners on the Greek island of Lesbos are to go to court in an attempt to stop a gay rights organisation from using the term “lesbian” … publisher Dimitris Lambrou says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos’s inhabitants.”

I can sort of see that being a problem. I mean, if I went to some fabled island in a drunken haze, only to have all of my hopes and dreams come crashing down, I might cause some daily problems to the social life of the island’s inhabitants too.