Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

Bad dog! Bad anti-authoritarian dog!

You’re probably already aware that Greece is poised to economically ruin Europe, but what you may not realize is that their animals are involved.

Riots have broken out in Athens over an austerity bill that reins in public spending while raising taxes, perceived to target the poor and middle class almost exclusively. These riots have lead to clashes between armored police officers and young people with one very bad dog.

Sausage — or as he’s listed in The Illiad, Loukanikos — has tripped police officers down stairs and currently has charges pending for biting at least one person. And the worst part? He’s homeless, meaning he’s definitely engaged in class warfare.

Sausage is emblematic of the Greek problem: instead of euthanizing stray dogs, the Athens municipality neuters them and puts them on the Kibble dole. They even get free healthcare.

So, congratulations, Greece. You could have added Sausage to your gyros, but now you have to fight him in the streets, and the rest of the world will have to pay for it.

Even the government is getting behind on payments

Greece has had some issues as of late. Perhaps you’ve heard about the country going bankrupt and riots in Athens. At crucial times like that, it’s important that leaders be able to communicate. That didn’t work so well.

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou had his home phone cut off by accident recently when the phone company meant to cut off a customer who had not kept up with his or her bills. Oh well, not like there’s a nationwide crisis going on.

The beginning of every Michael Bay movie

Every criminal has their thing. Some have cats, others henchmen. Some of them use guns, others mental brainwaves.Some rob banks, others try to destroy the world.

Nikos Paleokostas uses a helicopter to escape from prison. Now repeatedly.

The Greek government and the definition of “maximum security” has been foiled once again by Paleokostas and the third dimension when two unidentified men hijacked a helicopter from Athens International Airport, flew it to Korydallos Prison and lifted the flighty inmate and a friend, Alket Riza, off the roof using a rope ladder.

Just to drive this punchline home: this is the second time he’s made this same escape from the same damn prison. They never took measures to prevent this from happening again, like keeping Paleokostas indoors or installing anti-aircraft weaponry.

So, to Korydallos Prison, we have to say, shame on you.

Warrior of the Week: Zeus

We may not really think of it anymore, but every time we hear thunder, it’s been scientifically proven that that’s Zeus, the king of gods, throwing lightning bolts down from Mount Olympus.

But did you know that Zeus hates animals just like you? It’s true. Archaeologists have discovered an ancient Greek cult worshiped Zeus, and would make pilgrimages to a mountaintop where they would sacrifice animals for the god. This means the War on Animals has had a blessing from one deity or another for thousands of years.

The Hindu gods don’t count, because a lot of them are part animal, and thus support the enemy.


SeriouslyGuys like to think of ourselves as very, very world-reknowned. I mean, we have to be in order to get you, our adoring audience and fans, the very best in news. We also like to think of ourselves as very attentive and determined. After all, who else would have brought you the news about the epic “Lesbos v. Lesbians” in May? What site would update you in June when Lesbos got their time in court? Certainly not the official Lilith Fair site, I can tell you that. And what site gives the final piece in this saga? SeriouslyGuys, that’s who.

Speaking of which, yes, it would seem that the case has finally come to a close. A court in Athens recently ruled that a word could not truly define the identity of those that reside in that area, and as such, lesbians was a fine enough word to describe gay groups. Also, the cost of the word lesbian is approximately $366.20 USD. Key words were spoken by Vassilis Chirdaris, head of G.L.U.G. (no, I swear to God that I’m not making up that acronym):

This is a good decision for lesbians everywhere

Personally, I’ll definitely agree with him. I’m hard pressed to think up of anything that goes along with “TOTALLY HOT ______ ACTION”.

Giving while the giving’s … free

Nine women and twelve men have been arrested in Greece for participating in an unsanctioned oral sex competition (as if there’s anything close to that being listed as sanctioned) on a beach in Greece. Joe Francis has been cleared of any connection to the event, as he was too busy being in jail to schedule it. The lesson learned? The next time this happens, make sure that it takes place in Madison Square Garden, like most big name sporting events. Or, the Greek island of Lesbos, which we hear is quite nice this time of year, if a bit confused about its identity.

We do have one question though: “encouraging obscene behavior?” You can really be arrested for that in Greece? Just what are the requirements to fulfill such an act?

OK, maybe that was more than just one question.





“Campaigners on the Greek island of Lesbos are to go to court in an attempt to stop a gay rights organisation from using the term “lesbian” … publisher Dimitris Lambrou says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos’s inhabitants.”

I can sort of see that being a problem. I mean, if I went to some fabled island in a drunken haze, only to have all of my hopes and dreams come crashing down, I might cause some daily problems to the social life of the island’s inhabitants too.