S.C. police department goes soft on Bigfoot

Earlier this week, there was a reported sighting of Bigfoot in North Carolina. Normally that would be enough to warrant a post here at SG, but we’re taking you one deeper.

After the sighting was reported by the group Bigfoot 911, which sounds like a show were Bigfoot becomes an EMT, the Carolinas were on high alert for the mythical monster. However, the Greenville, S.C. Police Department went the other way upon hearing the news. The department issued a stern warning to its citizens not to shoot the beast on sight. Worst of all, they denied this huge ape that poses a threat to decent people everywhere even exists, and suggested that they would risk hurting or killing someone in a gorilla suit.

Greenville PD, you’re supposed to protect your citizens, and that means scaring the bejesus out of them about the threat posed by Bigfoot.

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.