Giant chicken presents existential threat

As humans, we think we’re in charge of the Earth. Then we see a monster to remind us that our survival has never been a guarantee. This week’s monster is that giant chicken.

The viral video of a chicken that looks, well, larger than any chicken ever should, has been making the rounds this week. A lot of people say it has to be a hoax. We’d love to tell you that it is, but the sad fact is that we do indeed live in a world where giant chickens exist. Turns out, it’s called a Brahma chicken. They can weigh up to 18 pounds, which is like a heavy cat or medium-size dog, and they look like they have enough feathers for a hotel’s worth of pillows.

We don’t know what they want from us, and we don’t know when they will strike. But we do know that spring is here, and it’s time to fire up the grill.

There’s some porn in my grill, dear Liza, dear Liza

You love your family. We know this, and it’s OK. We won’t make fun of you … too much.

We’ve seen what you’ve done to protect your family from the dangers of the world: installed a V-chip into all of the televisions, put multiple Net Nanny’s on the computer, searched under all of the mattresses and even behind the refrigerator for loose change and filthy magazines …

However, it’s the summer. That means one thing: grilling. Unfortunately, that little hibachi grill of yours just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, you walk down to your local mega-mart store and buy yourself a new shiny grill. But, like the Death Bed, this innocent household item is multi-purpose. For, instead of picking up a regular grill, you have picked up Porn Grill: the grill that comes with porn!

Hypothetical situation … or real life?

If you answered the latter, then you are correct! This very act happened to a shocked couple in Florida. And at that wholesome Wal-Mart of all places! Zounds!

Yes, said shocked couple was shown the horrors of a foreign newspaper wrapped around the grills rack (which HAS to be a double entendre) containing pictures of naked women. Words of wisdom come from Lorene Kinslow, buyer of said filthy flesh charrer:

“I was furious. Something like this came to the United States. A family could’ve bought this. It wasn’t the fact that I don’t have my children living here with me but if a husband, a family and kids could’ve got a hold of that, that was just wrong, wrong.”

Translation: as long as it had been American porn, everything would have been hunkey-dorey.