Some people are just naturally, ungodly beautiful in any setting, next to anyone. These are the people we destroy by turning them into celebrities because, like a race car, what’s the point of owning anything beautiful if you don’t run it into a wall or two.
For instance, think of Marco Rubio. Next to Saved by the Bell‘s Mario Lopez, Rubio looks like Bert and Ernie’s in vitro Muppet son. (Lopez is only two years younger, proving how fickle the gods are with bestowing handsomeness.)
Now, put him on stage in a herd of doughy guys ranging from Chris Christie to John Kasich, and he looks like one of their interns snuck on stage.
This effectively disproves the Roadie Theory, which is that, one day, the lead singer, guitarist, drummer and bass player will all one day decide not to have sex with someone, which means you’re in. Unfortunately, in that crowd, you probably rank lower than, “Uber home, turn in early.”
This. This is what happens when Facebook let everyone onto their social networking site.
Originally designed for college students, Facebook was the way to stalk that girl you sit behind in Lit class. You know, the one who’s always whale-tailin’ it up.
Back then, you could have a group dedicated to “dead baby” jokes or Elmo slash-fiction, and no one cared because they were busy getting into “it’s complicated with” relationships with their BFFs.
Facebook opened her borders up to everyone. The high schoolers were first, trying to find new ways to display pictures of themselves looking in mirrors. Then, the parents joined.
Now every group has that one bored soccer mom trying to have a serious discussion about teen pregnancy on the “I Don’t Remember Last Night” group message board. (She followed her son, who is in college, there to keep tabs on him.)
So, good-bye “Dead Babies Make Me Laugh” group. Sorry all the moms with new babies didn’t find you as hilarious. It was fun while you lasted, but to be fair, you kids are not nearly as funny as our class was. We invented dead babies.Posers.