Why do we float to the surface?

Answer: to swim back down again.

There have been many casualties in the BP Gulf oil spill, which is not to be confused with the Gulf Shell spill, when Gulf spilled shells all over Sally on the seashore.

Business like hotels and restaurants are all but shut down. Other oil rigs that managed not to explode are silent. People who wished for Jimmy Buffett to go away have to see him on the news every night.

But, one fish lost his parents. And now we have–DUN-NUH NUH-NUH NUH-NUH NUH-NUH

Batfiiiiiiiiish! Baaaaatfiiiiiiish! Batfiiiiiiiiish!

Oil on your wedding day

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is no laughing matter (aside from the oiled pelicans, as those are hilarious!), millions of jobs could be lost as a result of the mess that is being made. But now, a new industry is being affected by the disaster: beach weddings.

There’s something about the smell of dead dolphins and guys combing the beach wearing hazmat suits that just doesn’t make a good backdrop for nuptials. The appearance of tar balls on beaches once popular for weddings has lead to sudden cancellations by many couples, hurting wedding planners and all the businesses associated. But remember, the captains of fishing boats have a whole lot of free time on their hands now, and would be happy to accommodate you.

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

Age-old foes: safety vs. jobs

Republican Senators want to know: what will it take to get Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar and President Barack Obama to reopen all U.S. offshore oil drilling sites. They are concerned about a 6-month moratorium on drilling that could mean lost oil jobs.

And they’re right: even though all offshore drilling safety has been overseen by the Mineral Management Service, an organization that is still under investigation for over 10 years of graft, we need to speed up safety inspections and put workers back on derricks.

Besides, this is about jobs. Every time there’s an accident, another oil job opens up!

Obama’s search for perfect ass

With today’s headlines about President Barack Obama, it may be a good idea to hide your puppies.

The President worked out his rage as most people do, with Matt Lauer, concerning the BP oil leak; BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward and the idea that he hasn’t blown up an oil rig off the coast of England with “Fat” Tony stuck inside.

President Obama justified his meetings with experts, saying that it takes a committee to nominate names and assess asses before an ass can be kicked. He added, “This seems to work pretty well for the Pentagon.”

In the meantime, Hayward is still very much physically unharmed by any and all able-bodied U.S. politicians.

Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

So, how about that leak in the Gulf of Mexico, right?

You’re probably expecting a punchline about how terrible it is, or how many animals are going to die or how we could have avoided all of this by investing more in alternative renewable energy back in the 70s.

Well, you’re not going to get that here. In fact, I think this is a good thing. Allow me show you how, in every oil spoil, there’s a rainbow lining.

NOTE: Rick Snee is writing this article of its own free will. Any checks from BP have not cleared yet.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

White House penetrates lubed Gulf

Probe. Drill. Leak. Explosion.

It seems that nothing can be described in Washington without the description turning into a narrative of the world’s most clinical date rape and/or toiletgasm.

And today’s headline employs three out of four of those words. You’re welcome!

Smoke on the water

Let’s be clear on one thing: oil spills are not cool. We’re going out on a limb with that one, even though it often means killing dangerous animals. However, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico just took a turn for the awesome.

As the oil slick gets closer to the Mississippi River Delta, the federal government is thinking about setting the whole thing on fire. Take that, Louisiana!

UPDATE: It’s happening.

Dedication sometimes yields near explosive results

Stop me if you’ve heard this fish story before: Man goes fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Man’s fishing rod begins to go crazy. Man figures that he’s caught one gigantic fish. After a long battle, man finally manages to reel in his catch. Man’s catch is a live guided missile.

Wait, you haven’t? Well, it’s happened.

What’s fairly awesome, though, about this deadliest catch is the dedication shown by this man to his craft. Most will go out at ungodly hours of the day/night, or sit through torrential rains, or bear sub-freezing temps, but this guy floated around in the Gulf with unexploded ordinance in his boat for 10 days.

Someone get this guy his own fishing show, otherwise, he may just accidentally kill us all with his next catch.