“While I support and respect Mark Kelly’s 2nd Amendment rights to purchase, possess, and use firearms in a safe and responsible manner, his recent statements to the media made it clear that his intent … was for reasons other then [sic] for his personal use. In light of this fact, I determined that it was in my company’s best interest to terminate this transaction prior to his returning to my store to complete the Federal From 4473 and NICS background check required of Mr. Kelly before he could take possession this firearm.”
–Douglas MacKinlay, owner of Diamondback Police Supply
So MacKinlay says he believes in Kelly’s right to bear arms, but named no legal reasoning to terminate the sale. He just didn’t want Kelly’s business after learning a bit more about him and what he believes in. Getting to know someone’s background and history a bit before completing a sale, why that sounds exactly like what the gun lobby is fighting against.
Kelly hasn’t reacted publicly to the news just yet, but we do know that he did go off and break up a dog-sea lion fight–unarmed.
Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.
The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.
The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.
Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.
There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.
The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.
As an Internet comedy writer, it’s my job to be funny. Unfortunately, I just can’t do that this week because some … not gonna mince words here … jerk shot and killed at least a dozen people and wounded even more at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises last week.
It’s a tragedy, which means that some topics are not appropriate to discuss, like gun control. And they won’t be appropriate to talk about again until the next shooting spree, which means they’ll be in poor taste again.
Gun control in Japan has always been strict. So much so, that the only people with access seem to be law enforcement, and civil defense. Sure, some organized crime elements have been able to acquire some from time to time, but to be perfectly honest, even they have a hard time trying to bring guns into Japan, let alone buy them from dealers who somehow snuck them in. As such, you can probably imagine how insane it must have been when an officer patrolling a train car on the Kirishima Limited Express somehow managed to misplace a loaded gun. Whoopsidoodle.
After suffering a stomachache, the officer took his loaded gun off, placing it in a bag on his seat, then made way for the toilet. And here is where both the plot and chewing out that the officer received thicken. On the way to the restroom, he noticed the bag was missing. Gee, what an unexpected possibility.
They ended up finding the bag, complete with gun, during a final check of the train after it had gone to a different location for cleaning. All’s well that ends well, right? Tell that to his C.O.
Because Obama is black and must, therefore, listen to Chris Rock, they’re buying up so much of the stuff that gun shop owners are reporting that they haven’t received new shipments on certain makes for four months, including .380 (little pocket guns) and .38 Special (Colbert’s Sweetness).
So, the gun issue may be finally resolved after all: when gun owners starve to death buying $4,000 limited edition cases of Desert Eagle rounds on EBay. (Then you may pry them out of our hands.)
Welcome back from the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa break. I would like to tell you how much I missed you, but I’m afraid it might bring me to tears.
Speaking of things that make the entire world sad, the New England Patriots were bounced from the playoffs yesterday because the stupid New York Brett Favres couldn’t get points on the board. The Pats are the first NFL 11-5 team to miss the playoffs since 1985. Nevertheless, QB Matt Cassel did an amazing job of stepping in for the martyred Tom Brady. New England will miss him when he signs with DetroitMinnesota Tampa Bay next season.
It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.
Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”
Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.
Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.