Oven shoots man

How much do you trust your appliances? Probably too much.

An Ohio man was shot by his oven earlier this week, and police have yet to arrest it. According to reports, the 44-year-old man put his gun in the broiler compartment of his oven — as standard gun safety protocol dictates — because his girlfriend and her children were coming over to the house. Later, the girlfriend decided to use the oven, and minutes later, shots rang out.

The heat from the oven cause bullets in the man’s gun to explode. He was hit by bullet fragments in each shoulder as he tried to secure his firearm. He was the only one injured and is expected to recover.

Authorities have been unable to determine why the oven turned on its owner.

Dog shoots man

At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.

In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.

Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.