We named the dog a character witness

Riverside County, Calif., prosecutors have charged a 10-year-old boy with “murder involving a gun.” According to authorities, the boy intentionally shot his father, a regional leader of the National Socialist Movement, a.k.a. the Neo-Nazis.

His defense attorney said he may make an insanity plea, but we kinda hope he’ll set a new precedent with the first-ever “Indiana Jones” defense.

Pastor fires premature celebratory shots

Controversial Pastor Terry Jones, who torched a Koran in his church’s backyard to goad his Middle Eastern equivalents to riot in Afghanistan, has courageously traveled to Dearborn, Mich.

He heard there are a lot of Muslims he could protest there, but not the scary ones that kill antagonistic white Christian bigots.

In fact, Terry’s so mantastically badass that he accidentally fired a gun, which he believed he would still need for protection, in his car.

Don’t worry, though: our Christian warrior missed his what-must-be-tremendous balls.

You’re doing it wrong

There are many different ways to have sex. The Kama Sutra lists hundreds of sexual positions, and that number is doubled if you add “in pudding” to each of them.

But, if your game includes a gun–and you’re not biatheletes–then perhaps it’s time to scale things back.

Arthur Sedille, 23, admitted to police that he killed his 50-year-old wife during sex while holding a gun to her head. Sedille claims that he was unaware that it was loaded and that they had used it often during fantasy sex sessions.

If the only way to get menopausal juices flowing is with a gun, then, son, you married too old.

(With special thanks to Sarah Lena.)

Take it from Snee: Axes beat guns

Contrary to what the headline implies, no, I haven’t modernized “Rock, Paper, Scissors” into a post-Victorian world. (Although there is room for “Steam-Roshambo.”)

This is actually a very simple, straightforward thesis: axes are better than guns.

As the founder of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia, I believe in the right to bear all arms, including–but only starting with–guns. At this stage of defending the second amendment, it’s high time we finally acknowledged that guns, while certainly “arms,” are kind of a sissy thing to wield unless you’re fighting the military.

For every other application, axes have guns beat, hands-down. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Axes beat guns

I can easily see the confusion

It’s so very easy to get a Wii controller confused with a hand gun. I mean, just think of it:

  • One’s metal, the other’s plastic.
  • Their unique and distinctive shapes are so very similar to each other.
  • Wiimotes are well known for containing bullets.

Yup, if a child has easy access and reach to an already loaded handgun with the safety off and thus ends up fatally shooting him or herself with said gun, with the mother of said child in the same room as this is happening but not noticing any of it going on, it’s clearly because the child mistook the gun for a Wiimote … and certainly not bad parenting, right? Right?

I never did trust the LEGO maniac

Any you know what? Neither should you. After all, any interaction with LEGO products is a deadly experience that will get you and everyone around you killed.

Mock shooting is apparently a very big issue in America. Plastic guns, while ridden with the inability to actually fire any projectiles, are clearly one of the biggest banes of our society. The only reasonable solution is to eventually remove our hands.

The moral of the story? Never bring an ax to a gunfight.

When is a gun not a gun?

How would you describe a gun to, oh, let’s say … Oliver Cromwell? Oliver Cromwell it is.

You’d probably say something like, “It’s a weapon from which a shot is discharged by a controlled powder explosion, usually small and hand-held, and carrying one makes you look awesome.”

But did you mention to him that a gun must also have been manufactured after 1896?

Not only is this news to Cromwell’s musket troops in English Civil War, but also to two U.S. prosecutors who could not prove that a defendant’s gun was, in fact, a gun. The weapon in question was possibly manufactured in 1880, which makes it possibly 16 years too old to be considered a firearm according to federal code.

So, Fun Fact for RAM Members:
It’s just assault if you use an arquebus, not assault with a deadly weapon. At least not here in the U.S. Who knows what kind of weaponry they still cling to in older, backwoodsier places like Denmark?

(Postscript: The guy with the mystery gun was still convicted of felony possession of ammunition … You know, for the “gun.”)