Reasonable times for customers to draw guns

Here in the U.S., we’re very pro-gun. In fact, you can carry your gun pretty much anywhere you want, nervous people waiting in line at Wendy’s be damned. But for some reason, people get a little nervous about actually pulling out their gun, particularly in business-to-customer settings. Here are some helpful tips.

OK: When you don’t like your sandwich. We’ve all been there. You put in your order at a fast food place, and what you get doesn’t match up with the picture on the menu. A 20-year-old man in Ohio was upset that his sandwich at Steak N Shake had an egg on it that looked super gross. So as a reasonable customer, he threatened to shoot up the place. Now, he didn’t actually have a gun, so charges probably won’t stick. But the key here is that you can whip out your gun, just don’t make any threats. Let your shiny revolver do the talking.

OK: When a utility van is parked outside your house. In Florida, a 64-year-old man didn’t like that there were two AT&T trucks parked outside his house, especially that one guy was up in the cherrypicker on one of them. So he calmly walked outside and shot out the tires of the two vans. Because if you want vehicles to move, shooting their tires is your best option. Also, note that he shot below the bumper, so he’ll likely avoid vehicleslaughter charges.

You Missed It: Half-cocked edition

Racist McShootFace was a five-time bare-knuckle boxing champion in the 1880s.
Racist McShootFace was a five-time bare-knuckle boxing champion in the 1880s.

I saw various people this week get upset about a report from employees that Facebook is biased against right-leaning news in its news feed thing. Here’s a question: who cares? Facebook isn’t a news source, as much as it would like to be. The stuff that pops up in its news sidebar are the least important news items out there in the first place. It’s just celebrities are TV news. How a free site chooses what is and isn’t newsworthy in its own judgment should have no impact on your life. The far-right seem to get their news via sharing memes, anyway. If you were busy waiting in the airport security line this week, odds are you missed it.

Gun auction misfires
Noted bigot and fashion critic George Zimmerman managed to crawl back into the headlines this week when he put up for auction the gun he used to murder teenager Trayvon Martin for being black and wearing a hoodie in 2012. Zimmerman said some of the proceeds would go to fight Black Lives Matter. However, the online auction kept getting derailed by activist bidders driving up the price, many of the bids came from a bidder named Racist McShootFace, which means Zimmerman needs to come up with a new name for the boat he’s going to buy.

Smokin’ in the bathroom that matches your gender identity
This week, the Obama administration released a letter of guidance to public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms they are most comfortable with. North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory called on Congress and federal courts to defeat the guidance, saying that students should use the bathroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate. Because North Carolina has a rich history of making people use the bathrooms and water fountains according to certain physical characteristics.

1800s nearly forgotten
The death of the oldest living American this week means that Italian national Emma Morano is the last living person to have seen the 19th century. The 116-year-old was born in November of 1899. She credits her longevity, and this is true, to a daily glass of homemade brandy. So drink to Morano when you hoist one back this weekend. Who knows, maybe one say you’ll be lucky enough to have outlived your siblings, children and anyone else in the world who can relate to you in any way!

The shot heard ’round the nursery

This is not a good baby with a gun. This is a thug holding a gun gangsta-style, which seems impossible since gangsta rap ended 20 years before he was born.
This is not a good baby with a gun. This is a thug holding a gun gangsta-style, which seems impossible since gangsta rap ended 20 years before he was born.

It is official: we are at war with babies.

Like in World War II, we didn’t want to go to war, but babies — toddlers, specifically — have awoken an already sleepy giant. They’ve now shot 23 of the giants who feed them this year alone, and we’re not even halfway through 2016!

We know that it’s the job of the upcoming generation to replace the one that came before them, but dammit, babies, couldn’t you even wait until you finish teething before taking us out?

The sad part is that we knew we couldn’t trust babies because they’ll accept prizes from “bad guys.” Little did we know that those bad guys would be us, and they’d be accepting our guns. Personally, we blame Idaho for arming babies in the first place.

More airline passengers loaded than ever

TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.
TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.

It’s pretty normal to get loaded before a flight. You’re not driving, and you’re about to sit elbow-in-lap with a perfect stranger, which is basically a hook-up. What wasn’t normal — until this week — was to get loaded by bringing your gun on your carry-on. Alas, TSA confiscated a new record of 73 guns in one week in carry-on screenings.

That’s right: 73 people thought they were the one exception to no firearms allowed onboard a commercial flight. 68 of those guns were loaded, and 27 had a round in the chamber.

What’s weird is that, just one year ago, TSA managed to miss 95 percent of undercover agents smuggling in test contraband through security checkpoints. That’s how dumb our nation’s armed patriots are: they still got caught by TSA.

U.S. government enters the war between the owls

Owls are jerks. They are know-it-alls, and that’s why everyone hates them. Read a history book. But did you know that they don’t even like each other? And your tax dollars are about to exploit this weakness.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has given a few lucky biologists a license to kill owls. Their goal is to save one species of owl by taking out another one. The barred owl has made its way from the eastern U.S. and is now muscling out native owl species on the West Coast. And much like it did in the 1990s East Coast-West Coast rap war, the federal government is choosing a side and going lethal. The hope is that if enough of the barred owls are killed off, they won’t bother the native owls so much.

We’d like to commend fellow war correspondent Natalie Jacewicz for this stellar description.

The barred owl has speckled brown wings, teddy bear eyes and a hoot that sounds like a puppy mouthing a sock. This one also has a red laser dot on its head. After getting a good look, Lowell Diller fires his rifle. The owl tumbles off its perch to the ground.

Farts blamed as cause of gun battle

In Spain, things have gotten very tense, and it’s all because of some farting.

According to reports, two rival Gypsy families finally had enough of each other and started a gun battle last week. They say the problem began when the member of one family walked by the member of the other family and farted near him. Exhibiting skills not seen since elementary school, the fan who was farted on then returned the insult by farting at will near the first man.

From there, a gun battle broke out, which put four men in the hospital. The moral here is that if you are traveling to Spain, don’t fart–ever.

Idaho wants babies to own guns

Who could say no to this face -- when it's pointing a gun at you?
Who could say no to this face — when it’s pointing a gun at you?

Toddlers — they’re short, they’re lazy, and they won’t shut up about all the meaningless stuff that pops into their heads. But are they adults? Idaho thinks they might be.

The Idaho of Representatives just passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to possess a firearm. Some of you might be saying, “That doesn’t seem so bad, parents should be able to share a hobby with their kids.” However the bill, as it’s written, has no minimum age on who can carry a pistol. That means that if the Idaho Senate passes the bill, babies could legally carry handguns. And we’re not even to the worst part.

The bill addresses handguns only, and requires an adult be present at all times — but the intent of the bill is to bring state laws on pistols into line with those on rifles and shotguns. That’s right, it’s legal for a toddler in Idaho can carry a shotgun provided they are actually strong enough to carry it.

The McBournie Minute: Grumpy white men

I was going to start off this year with a column about things that are certain to happen. I had some pretty good ideas, too. But then some white dudes in Oregon decided to play fort over the weekend. So I’ll write about that instead. It’s what everyone seems to be talking about, and without publishing my predictions, I can say I totally called something without the hassle of backing it up. So when Donald Trump flames out in the primaries this year, I totally called it, bro.

We’re not even a week into 2016, and we’ve already got a fun news story to distract us from crappy news from overseas. It’s also something that your friends on Facebook can get upset about, because that’s all people use it for these days, and there hasn’t been much news out there lately.

This protest is the greatest thing to happen this year. And here’s why. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Grumpy white men

The (Entertainment) Empire Strikes Back against adult children

"Don't tell security I'm packin', ha-ha!"
“Don’t tell security I’m packin’, ha-ha!”

Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL, might be the most recognized place for making adults feel young again, but they’ve about had it with certain childish behaviors.

After a grown man tried to enter the Magic Kingdom with his gun last week, Disney announced that it will no longer allow any toy guns in its park and will stop selling them in shops within. So, if you feel a childish, powerless need to defend yourself with guns, real or make-believe, you’ll have to go somewhere else. (Also, there are now zero reasons to go to Frontierland from here on out.)

However, the most striking change to Disney World’s policies is a ban on guests over the age of 14 (or adults) wearing costumes. This includes even their annual Halloween party and events centered around the new Star Wars film this week. To be fair, though, Sexy Yoda does kind of put a damper on the Happiest Place on Earth.

Drunk man brings real shotgun to Civil War battle reenactment

Some say we’re still fighting the Civil War today. Kind of like the O.K. Coral shootout.

Police responded to a call of shots fired at a Civil War battle reenactment, which would seem like a waste of resources, except someone was actually shooting at people. According to authorities, Gary Alen Lane was drunk and wielding a sawed-off shotgun at history enthusiasts reenacting the Battle of Honey Springs in Oklahoma. (Apparently there really was a Civil War battle out there.) He was arrested after a minor struggle when police found he shot into a tent where nine reenactors were.

Only one man was struck by a single pellet, in the arm. But because these guys were so true to their hobby, the man’s arm was hacked off and he later died of infection.