IKEA is a rough place. You’ve got hundreds of people all crammed into one long line of showrooms, figuring out what furniture they want to assemble, use and leave when they move out of their apartment. Fights are bound to happen in a situation like that, and that’s why you need to be strapped.
In Indiana, a child found a gun lodged in a couch at IKEA, and probably some change. The kid took out the gun and fired it, as one does. Fortunately, no one was hurt in the incident, and the store remained open, the people’s access to Swedish meatballs was not infringed.
The store claims that a man carrying the gun sat down on the couch and didn’t realize when it fell off of him. But it’s pretty obvious that IKEA is putting guns in their showrooms to get people in the door. Hurry on over to your local store before the free guns are gone.
Last week, there was a police involved shooting at a distillery/nightclub in Denver last weekend. That’s generally not fodder for a humor blog, is it? Well, the shooting was accidental, and it has a happy ending. We promise.
Last Saturday, an off-duty FBI agent was getting down on the dance floor, finishing off his moves with a backflip. The only problem is that during the backflip, the pistol in his waistband flew out. The agent immediately grabbed the gun, but pulled the trigger in the process, shooting someone probably in the foot.
Now, accidentally being shot by an off-duty FBI agent who shouldn’t have had his gun on him in the first place is kind of like winning the lottery on its own, because you know the feds are going to pay. But it gets even better, because the distillery has promised the victim free drinks for life.
How much do you trust your appliances? Probably too much.
An Ohio man was shot by his oven earlier this week, and police have yet to arrest it. According to reports, the 44-year-old man put his gun in the broiler compartment of his oven — as standard gun safety protocol dictates — because his girlfriend and her children were coming over to the house. Later, the girlfriend decided to use the oven, and minutes later, shots rang out.
The heat from the oven cause bullets in the man’s gun to explode. He was hit by bullet fragments in each shoulder as he tried to secure his firearm. He was the only one injured and is expected to recover.
Authorities have been unable to determine why the oven turned on its owner.
If you think you can just walk around in public carrying a bassoon in Ohio, think again. The law is going to come knocking.
Ohio has tough anti-woodwind laws in place that are being challenged in court, but for now they are still on the books. Recently, a New England Conservatory student home on break decided to play his bassoon outdoors. He sat on the trunk of his car and began playing scales. A few minutes later, the cops showed up. Someone reported a man with a long rifle sitting on his car.
Luckily, the police didn’t overreact. They slowly made their way over to the student until he was disarmed. We can only hope that he’s rotting in jail.
At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.
In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.
Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.
And if reason doesn’t sway you, the votes of 231 of our current U.S. Representatives should. Unless you want to be considered as smart as a Congressman.
So, why does the NRA want states to recognize the concealed carry permits of places like Missouri, where anyone can “constitutionally carry” concealed guns, with or without a permit? (Quick side question: how well does this go over in the non-backwater areas of Missouri, like St. Louis? I’m sure the police there are all about helping black people arm themselves with more than Skittles and cell phones.)
With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.
Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.
“While I support and respect Mark Kelly’s 2nd Amendment rights to purchase, possess, and use firearms in a safe and responsible manner, his recent statements to the media made it clear that his intent … was for reasons other then [sic] for his personal use. In light of this fact, I determined that it was in my company’s best interest to terminate this transaction prior to his returning to my store to complete the Federal From 4473 and NICS background check required of Mr. Kelly before he could take possession this firearm.”
–Douglas MacKinlay, owner of Diamondback Police Supply
So MacKinlay says he believes in Kelly’s right to bear arms, but named no legal reasoning to terminate the sale. He just didn’t want Kelly’s business after learning a bit more about him and what he believes in. Getting to know someone’s background and history a bit before completing a sale, why that sounds exactly like what the gun lobby is fighting against.
Kelly hasn’t reacted publicly to the news just yet, but we do know that he did go off and break up a dog-sea lion fight–unarmed.
There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.
The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.
With the end of the holiday season, and the beginning of “Oh crap, we still have months left of this miserable weather” season, we often try to find things to believe in. We all need that thing to hope for, to look forward to, to get us through. It’s a stupid mental trick we do to ourselves.
It’s time we stop tricking ourselves into looking forward to things. It’s going to be crappy for a long time, and the sooner we all acknowledge this, the better our chances are of moving on. We don’t need winter escapism, we need to face reality and somehow make our peace with it. It’s unfair of us to put so much pressure on these things we hope for.