Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.

And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!

Just, you know, not "school shooting" deadly. Also, special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.
Just, you know, not “school shooting” deadly. (Special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.)

So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Colorado University: ‘Ask about our smoking [barrel] dorms’

As August winds down, it’s time for college students to return to their studies. And students returning to Colorado University will each face the mother of all decisions when moving into dorms: smoking? Or non-smoking? Not cigarettes, mind you, but barrels.

After losing an appeals case in the Colorado State Supreme Court, CU must now allow concealed weapons permit-holding students to live in campus housing. In response, they have set aside family housing units in Boulder and upperclassmen dorms in Colorado Springs for those who can’t bear to sign their arms away in campus police lockers.

James Manley, the attorney who represented the student guns-rights group in court (and most appropriately named proponent of holstered penises everywhere), will be examining this segregated living arrangement along with restrictions forbidding them from taking their weapons into non-smoking dorms and ticketed sprting and cultural events on campus. Student life-rights activists have countered, arguing that all gunshot victims are technically secondhand gunsmoke victims.

Guns don’t just make your penis look larger

As we’ve already learned today, beer makes you smarter. But, you know what will make you look taller and more muscular, too? Holding a gun.

According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world)  and subtracted inches.

So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, you big man, you.)

Predictable consequences ride in the sidecar

See if you can guess where this is going. A helmet-less motorcyclist who was part of a protest against helmet laws:

a) Successfully navigated the roads designated for the route, striking a blow for liberty and proving to all that helmets only protect your virginity.

b) Hit a bump the wrong way, recovered and wondered what could have happened had he fallen without a helmet and made a mental note for future decisions.

c) Donated his brains to the Western New York pavement in an accident that doctors say would not have been fatal had he been wearing a helmet.

If you said c, you’re correct and can probably guess how Ohio’s new guns in bars law will turn out.

Take it from Snee: Axes beat guns

Contrary to what the headline implies, no, I haven’t modernized “Rock, Paper, Scissors” into a post-Victorian world. (Although there is room for “Steam-Roshambo.”)

This is actually a very simple, straightforward thesis: axes are better than guns.

As the founder of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia, I believe in the right to bear all arms, including–but only starting with–guns. At this stage of defending the second amendment, it’s high time we finally acknowledged that guns, while certainly “arms,” are kind of a sissy thing to wield unless you’re fighting the military.

For every other application, axes have guns beat, hands-down. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Axes beat guns

Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

The First Amendment is a funny thing. After the U.S. Constitution was ratified, it was the very first of ten proposed additions that would guarantee certain rights to citizens. The fact that a bunch of guys would propose free speech and religion before guns shows that either

a) We used to be more sophisticated than our modern breed that flocked to The Expendables this weekend, or

b) The Founding Fathers realized shooting people is worthless unless you have the right to say something really cool beforehand.

And, really, is there anything more American than unrestrained words and gun violence? You could tell they were really reaching for ideas afterwards because the next amendment they could think up was quartering, followed by some lawyer s&#t. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

Revolver Door: Repeat-offender firearms

It appears the Pentagon shooting could have been prevented.

According to law enforcement officials, the officers were shot by guns with a previous criminal history. Unfortunately, thanks to Tennessee and other states’ lax gun laws, the handguns were back out on the street, waiting to be bought legally by some guy, who would carry them so they could commit another crime.

The answer is simple, people. Once a gun has committed a violent crime, they have chosen to become enemies of the society we’ve worked to hard to make (by shooting the Native Americans that were in our way).

We’re not saying that all guns are bad–just the ones that go bad. So please, when you are about to bring a new gun into your home, make sure to give it a thorough background check before exposing it to your family.

You Missed It: Gilbert’s got a gun edition

Hello again, everyone, and welcome to 2010. I’ve been waiting here for you for quite some time. Now that I have thawed my keyboard out in this country-wide cold snap we’re having. I am now prepared to tell you what you missed this year, one week at a time. If you were busy announcing you would not run for re-election, odds are you missed it.

The NRA should take on the NBA
The Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas was suspended by the NBA this week after showing a gun in his locker to a teammate. In what may have been his last game of the season, Arenas gathered the team (the Bullets) in a circle during warm-ups and shot them all with his fingers. NBA Commissioner David Stern did not enjoy the gun show.

The case in favor of sterilization
Tila Tequila, who became “famous” for her MySpace page, and then later for being an attention/ actual whore on reality television shows, might be pregnant, according to her Twitter. Should Tequila actually be pregnant, there is no word yet on how long it will take her to push the child out of her Twitter.

They’ve weaved stranger things into the plot
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address will not pre-empt the season premiere of Lost. He assured the legions of Lost fans that the speech will not happen on Feb. 2, the date the show is scheduled to return. In other news, this is really what our country finds important.

It’s like the plastic gun in ‘In the Line of Fire’

Most of us know that it is a bad idea to bring a firearm to work, unless we’re really mad at them and want to be taken seriously for once. As it turns out, it might be wise to leave a Lego gun at home, too. Oh, and don’t play Modern Warfare 2, either.

A Canadian man found that out the hard way. A “neighbour” whose apartment is near the man’s office saw the fake fun being waved around and heard gun shots, then called police. The SWAT team yelled at the man to come down the hallway with his hands behind his head.

“I was surrounded by about six SWAT guys armed with shotguns and assault rifles,” he said. “Once they confirmed I wasn’t packing any Lego heat, I walked backwards towards them, was then cuffed, pulled into the stairwell and thrown against the wall.”

It’s OK to say no

Hey girls, we need to have a little chat. The Guys know what it’s like to be a teenager, we know it’s tough, and we also know you want to do anything for the boys to like you. We were the same way once–well, you know what we mean.

But it’s important for you to know that you shouldn’t hide a gun for a boy even though he asked you to. You don’t always have to say yes, especially when it comes to firearms. So, in review, have some self-respect. Don’t hide guns for a dude–unless he’s really cute.