NASA uses many materials, but not Goop

“Alright, Commander Shephard. This masking tape should realign your sex chakras, which I don’t have to tell you will calm your internal seminal fluid dynamics and help you read better in low light.”

Remember those Memory Foam mattress ads (maybe they’re still on late night television) and how they’d claim they were developed for and approved by “the space agency,” complete with a weird almost, but not quite NASA-y logo? That was because, even though Memory Foam was developed for a NASA mission, you can’t use the NASA name or logo to sell things.

Well, as Gwyneth Paltrow and Body Vibe learned recently, that’s also the case for bullsh*t that NASA did not approve.

NASA issued a statement Friday that they don’t use carbon fiber materials in space suits to monitor — much less heal — astronauts’ vital signs. This was to counter claims made by Body Vibe on Ms. Paltrow’s blog lifestyle site, Goop, that their $5 to $6 body stickers can restore “our internal balance” to an “an ideal energetic frequency.” Well, we don’t have to tell you that this “calming effect” is essential for maintaining energy reserves, strengthening immune systems and alleviating “physical tension and anxiety” — that’s just Science. (And we f*ckin’ love Science.)

So, for now Goop is NASA-free until they verify Body Vibe’s claim. Which should happen any day now, we’re sure …

SeriouslyGuys knows more than dick jokes

Aren’t there enough eggs up there already?

SeriouslyLadies, The Guys would never presume to tell you what to do with your body. We firmly believe that whatever you choose is between you, your doctor and your book club. But, if we could offer a little advice? Maybe don’t stick jade up your vagina.

We may not have labia or be Gwyneth Paltrow, but — if we did — we’d keep the shortlist of vaginal accouterments to surgical, hypoallergenic and (we can’t stress this enough) non-porous materials. Because, apparently, Ms. Paltrow’s advice to go hands-free with jade eggs is not medically advisable or deliver any of her Goop-y promises.

A jade egg won’t make you more orgasmic, unless you’re counting newly colonized organisms that caught a lift in the microscopic fissures in its surface. And it won’t make your vaginal contractions stronger — you’ll have to open jars the old-fashioned way.

As for sticking anything inside of us, we always follow our ear doctor’s advice: nothing smaller than our elbows.

You Missed It: Bowing out edition

Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn't held a job in years.
Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn’t held a job in years.

It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced, they were mad that they didn’t get as much snow as predicted. And by “they,” I mean New Yorkers. It was huge national news this week that people who live in one metropolitan area were upset they didn’t really get snowed in. They expected the rest of the nation to care. I don’t understand New York. If you were busy stonewalling the media all week long, odds are you missed it.

Third time isn’t the charm
After months of speculation Mitt Romney said he will not run for president again. Romney said it was time for him to stand aside and let someone else have a try. Also, he didn’t like the idea of living in such a small mansion. That means the GOP field will likely have Jeb Bush, running on the platform of “My last name is Bush;” Chris Christie, a noted Cowboys fan; or Rand Paul, who hangs out with neo-Confederates and says crazy things. See you in 2016, guys!

Time to get the carpet cleaned
This week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave some advice for the ladies out there that doctors don’t recommend: steam cleaning your vagina. She said on her website, grossly named GOOP, that she goes to a spa in Santa Monica to get a special herbal steam treatment on her lady bits. She said it’s “an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” You know, I wasn’t that hungry, anyway.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced this week that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insist that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But I think we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.

Gwyneth Paltrow even makes Judaism insufferable

“I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy.” -- Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers serve whatever the hell she calls food.
I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy. — Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers are people who serve whatever the hell she calls food.

As concerned professional Internet users, The Guys believe it is time for the U.S. Surgeon General to issue an eye movement hazard warning about Gwyneth Paltrow. There is literally nothing she can do that doesn’t elicit an immediate severe rolling of the eyes.

Married the lead singer of Coldplay?

::eyeroll:: Of course she did.

Divorced him in the New Age-iest, most self-actualizingly aggravating way possible?

::eyeroll:: Yep.

And now: converting to Judaism because she found out “that her father was descended from a Russian rabbinical dynasty” and saying, “Like, 17 generations of rabbis — you see, I really am a Jewish princess!”

::eyeroll:: Oy vey.

We see no signs of Paltrow’s agonizingly near-earnest, yet demonstrably tone-deaf behavior abating any time soon. If the Surgeon General doesn’t post a warning on her forehead soon, then our own staff doctor will do it for him.

Edit: Special thanks to Robyn G. for correcting what had been the punk spelling of “oy.”

This will only make Coldplay’s music sadder

From her hilariously tone-deaf advice web site to her bordering-on-child-abuse understanding of baby names, Gwyneth Paltrow gets a lot of grief online. The Guys can’t really judge her too harshly when we’ll probably name all of our kids after famous pirates.

But, it doesn’t help her perceived douchiness when she describes what normal people call a “f*cking divorce” as a “conscious uncoupling.”

Although unconscious uncoupling could explain those dreams when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.
Unconscious uncoupling could be a good term for when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’

The seductive, glamorous, and exquisitely fragile Glass family of J.D. Salinger’s invention might well live down the street from the fairy-tale clan that represents the soul of a fragile but bountiful New York City in Wes Anderson’s The Royal Tenenbaums. Reminiscent of Salinger’s Manhattanites, the Tenenbaums are privileged natives in a landscape that doesn’t exist, and perhaps never existed, but seduces with the possibility of having existed once in a cozier, more Christmas-y past.

We all have our personal quirks and family issues that sometimes make us say, “How can anyone else’s family be as goofy as mine?” But then along come movies bringing us dysfunctional families like Moonstruck, Ordinary People and The Royal Tenenbaums that make our personal lives seem like an episode right out of The Waltons. And make no mistake about it-the Tenenbaum family definitely has issues. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’