’76 a good year for vaccines

Proving they just don’t make them like they used to, it appears that the original swine flu vaccine from 1976 still protected its recipients in the recent 2009 outbreak. 33 years later! We don’t even have herpes outbreaks that last that long anymore!

The best part about this news is that hipsters are finally willing to get vaccinated against the H1N1 virus now that they believe there’s a vintage shot available.

(It’s really the 2009 one, but we acid-washed it and dried it on “high” to shrink and make it look retro.)

Sacre flu!

Being the Emperor of France (still?) probably helps.Well, it appears almost all of western Europe is winding down its H1N1 cases. Yep, everyone is on board with not catching swine flu … except France.

France, as contrary as she is diseased, continues to host a rising rate of H1N1 cases. Why? Is it some elaborate artistic statement where people cough on doorknobs, berate the bourgeoisie and smoke Gauloises?

Perhaps it has something to do with their kissing methods. The Guys know all about French kissing from middle school, so we can confidently say that probing molars for croissant crumbs while unsuccessfully picking at a bra clasp is probably not the smartest thing to do in grippe du porcs season.

Listen, France. We know it’s tough to communicate public health when you’re all trapped in invisible boxes and forbidden to talk, but it’s time to get serious. If you die out, then Quebec becomes the French-speaking capital of the world. French Canadians. Not cool.

The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

With the health care bill now being debated in the U.S. Senate (take a walk with me, it will be entertaining, I promise) and winter now upon us, there is a lot of talk about how to keep healthy despite colds, H1N1 and children that want us out of the way so that they can eat all the candy they want.

Right now I have a cold, but that is fairly unusual for me. You see, I have what is called a strong immune system (which female can detect through their sense of smell, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one). Right now I have The Thing That’s Going Around. You know, the nose, the throat, the cough. It sucks.

So I’m here this week to give you a few pointers on how to stay healthy, and should you fail at this, get better soon. You’re welcome, America. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

Certainly beats the hose alternative

As part of our ongoing coverage of how cool the Catholic Church is, we turn now to the Church waging war against H1N1. Sure, you might think that holy water can kill the flu simply because it’s blessed by priests, but that’s not necessarily the case, apparently.

An Italian inventor has created a holy water dispenser that requires no touching at all, which makes the transmission of H1N1 much less likely. Wave your hands underneath it and holy water comes out. In case you’re wondering, yes, that is the same technology you have seen in public restrooms for the past decade or  so.

Hey, it took these guys centuries to apologize for calling Galileo a heretic. Ten years behind is nothing to them.

It’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on

For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.

But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.

Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.

(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)

Panic at the Dartmouth

Dartmouth College, that other Ivy League school that people forget about, has had a startling number of students appear with swine flu symptoms. 175 students have shown symptoms of H1N1, and the number isn’t going down. Granted, the number isn’t going up either, but that earlier part really sounds dramatic, doesn’t it?

Here’s the SG guide to ending the swine flu craze:


That’s it.

God can’t beat swine flu

H1N1 (swine) flu is coming for you. It’s not just a lame rhyme, it’s a message the Catholic Church in Italy wants you to know. That’s why they aren’t letting people kiss a vial of blood from Saint Gennaro at Naples’ annual festival this month.

You know, because kissing a vial of a dead person’s blood that thousands of other people have kissed would be completely safe otherwise.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!

Too much bacon is a bad thing.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.

–Reinflating My Bubble

Three words, RMB: slow news week.

Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Brought to you by letters H, N, number 1

For 40 years, we’ve watched dogs and bears and pigs and stuff live with humans consequence-free on an untraceable New York neighborhood known as Sesame Street.

But 40 years of propaganda cannot cover up the very real threat of swine flu.

Elmo and, human cast member, Gordon have teamed up with U.S. federal agencies, including the Department of Health and Human Services, to teach kids to cover their f$%king mouths when they sneeze and wash their damn hands before bringing us our beers.

That’s all well and good, but they’re still harboring Patient Zero.