OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.
Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.
Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?
We know you feel bad about the earthquake in Haiti, and we hope you have donated in some way to the tragedy. There are so many ways to help the troubled country, the New Orleans Saints did their best by winning the Super Bowl, unfortunately, Pierre Garçon, who is Haitian-American, was on the Colts.
Having you considered giving back by getting a lap dance?
A strip club in Toledo, Ohio offered a promotion they subtly titled “Lap Dances for Haiti.” The only problem is that lap dances are illegal in Ohio, so they just charged a $10 cover charge which raised nearly $1,000 for International Services of Hope.
Key quote: “You don’t hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.”
The relief effort went far better than the strip club’s attempt to help build schools on Native American reservations, called “Lap Dances with Wolves.”
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.
Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.
You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough
Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.
The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.
Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you see Footloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”
Update (2 Feb 2010): Parents of the “orphans” are showing up to reclaim their children. Whoops!
We know there’s a horrible tragedy going on in Haiti. We’re not ignoring it by not posting, we just don’t see the humor in such a situation. So we’ve struggled to find an angle on the whole thing, and now we have it. Ladies and gentlemen, SG is here to inspire your Monday morning.
Days after the search and rescue missions for earthquake survivors ended in Haiti, a man was found beneath what was once a hotel. Keep in mind, he was found alive 11 days after the earthquake, generally, people die after less than a week of food.
So how did he do it? He survived on food and drink left in the rubble from what once was a shop. Namely, he lived on candy, crackers, soda, beer and whisky. Yes, whisky.
Remember, everyone, booze can safe your life. It makes miracles all the time.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.
I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.
“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”
The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.
I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.
Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t