It’s a new year. And with each new year come hopes of things to change for the better, as if the change of a digit on the calendar means that anything will be different from just a short time before. The world’s not going to get better unless you do something about it. I mean you, dear reader, because I’m not going to do anything. There’s beer to drink. If you were busy wearing black to an award show this week, odds are you missed it.
Norway deemed not a sh&$hole
This week, President Donald Trump made disparaging remarks about Haiti and African nations during a meeting with Congressional leaders on immigration issues. Trump asked why people from “sh&$hole countries” are being let in to the U.S., and why we can’t let in more people from Norway. Mr. President, the Norwegians had their chance. They came here 1,000 years ago and got kicked out. By your definition, they are a country of losers.
New year, new diet
Coca-Cola announced this week that it would be rolling out a new line of Diet Coke flavors later this month in a bid to boost its faltering sales. The flavors will be “twisted mango,” “zesty blood orange,” “feisty cherry,” and even “ginger lime,” which Coke says will be made with real redheads.
Heavy is the head
In a rare interview, Queen Elizabeth II remarked that one of her crowns weighs several pounds. She said it is so heavy that she can’t tilt her head down while wearing it because it would break her neck. So look for that exciting drama in season 28 of The Crown on Netflix.
OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.
Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.
We know you feel bad about the earthquake in Haiti, and we hope you have donated in some way to the tragedy. There are so many ways to help the troubled country, the New Orleans Saints did their best by winning the Super Bowl, unfortunately, Pierre Garçon, who is Haitian-American, was on the Colts.
Having you considered giving back by getting a lap dance?
A strip club in Toledo, Ohio offered a promotion they subtly titled “Lap Dances for Haiti.” The only problem is that lap dances are illegal in Ohio, so they just charged a $10 cover charge which raised nearly $1,000 for International Services of Hope.
Key quote: “You don’t hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.”
The relief effort went far better than the strip club’s attempt to help build schools on Native American reservations, called “Lap Dances with Wolves.”
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.
The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.
Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you seeFootloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”
We know there’s a horrible tragedy going on in Haiti. We’re not ignoring it by not posting, we just don’t see the humor in such a situation. So we’ve struggled to find an angle on the whole thing, and now we have it. Ladies and gentlemen, SG is here to inspire your Monday morning.
Days after the search and rescue missions for earthquake survivors ended in Haiti, a man was found beneath what was once a hotel. Keep in mind, he was found alive 11 days after the earthquake, generally, people die after less than a week of food.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.
I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.
“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”
The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.
I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.