Teenager Power!

No pizzas can save you now! NONE!

Not one adolescent male hated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 80s. They were easily part of the five figure groups for boys toys. I’ll easily admit that even I dressed up as one for Halloween. Turtles were awesome.

However, playing TMNT back then was acceptable. Playing TMNT now just gets you lost in sewers. Especially if you’re 17. And living in Queens. I mean, if you reside there, then Spider-Man should be your hero, not the turtles. Everyone knows that they resided under Brooklyn.

Probably the coup-de-gras of the situation was posted by one of the police officers:

“These three idiots were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wanted to go into the sewers,” said one police source. “They were never in danger, just goofing off and being stupid.”

You know you’ve messed up bad when a police officer is belittling you in a public forum.

An alliance forged in Hell

What’s scarier than animals or satanic worship? Animals and satanic worship.

Zoos around the country are encouraging children to dress as witches and Neil Cavuto and “trick or treat” on their grounds. Moronic parents are all for it because they “see the parties as a safer alternative to knocking on the doors of strangers.”

Some zoos even brought in child psychologists to make sure the displays aren’t too damning scary.

OK, so your kid walks up to a door at the zoo, it opens and just as they say “trick or treat” —

Well, isn’t that safe and not scary? The worst part is that the animals have struck another blow against our population and the kid goes to Hell because their last moments were spent in devilish mischievory.

Way to go parents. And shame on you, zoos.

How To: Throw a par-tay

We all want to be popular, and the quickest way to popularity is to throw a party. Correction: not just a party, but the most righteous shindig the world/your town has ever seen! Some people would say you need to walk before you run, but when did walking ever get your face on a Wheaties box? That is why The Guys are here to teach you how to throw a par-tay.

Continue reading How To: Throw a par-tay