Halloween is here, and the good news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means that you can go out in public wearing your costume on your way to a party and not get any more looks from strangers than usual. The bad news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means you have to rush home from work (this assumes you have a job), eat, then don your costume and hope to make it to your festivities on time. Basically, you’re not going to have much time for a super-involved getup.
In a situation like that, you pretty much have to half-ass a costume. You’re just not going to have time to get into really complicated costume and get your makeup on and everything. This is how a woman feels every day, the difference is you don’t have to shave your legs, too.
In the war against the dead, the state of Kansas has decided to be ready. Now. Well, more like next month.
Later this week, Governor Sam Brownback will sign a proclamation that allows zombie designation and announce October as “Zombie Preparedness Month.” The state’s Department of Emergency Preparedness says that zombie apocalypse prep is just the same as any other emergency prep, thus managing to eliminate any fun and specialness that the governor has created.
That said, while we at SG advocate zombie preparedness, we also are aware that the end of October is Halloween, a wonderful event that typically involves people dressing up as all manner of things, many of which are zombies. We eagerly look forward to news stories on November 1st reporting on massive accidental slaughters of innocents all across the state.
It’s been a long and arduous search, but ladies and gentlemen, we did it. From the honkiest sections of Idaho to the meth-filled sections of Florida, we’ve finally pinpointed the lamest adults ever. Those that forgot their time as kids, those that pimped out their childhood, those that sold out their memories.
Now that it’s November over, it’s time to switch from from Halloween candy to Christmas candy. You may have seen department stores across the U.S. flagrantly bringing out Christmas stuff even when they were still selling Halloween stuff, creating real-life versions of Nightmare Before Christmas. Next year, I’ll capitalize on that and give trick-or-treaters candy shaped like Santa Claus. If you’re a homophobic author that was looking forward to the release of a movie based on your book this week, odds are you missed it.
Kraft is going colorblind
We’ve got some bad news, and it’s going to affect every one of you out there. It may even alter the view of your childhood. Things will never seem quite the same again. Some character shapes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese are going to be less yellow next year. Spongebob Squarepants, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and How to Train Your Dragon pasta shapes will no longer contain yellows 5 or 6. The company said that combined, they cranked the yellow up to 11.
Biden was almost too cool for the ticket
According to a new book by journalists Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the Obama campaign had considered replacing Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton as vice president. Sources say that the campaign did a great deal of polling whether there would be an advantage in changing the ticket, but Biden showedupwithdoughnuts.
Boston regains title of least favorite city by other fans
In Game 6, the Boston Red Sox won their third World Series in nine years. It was the first time the team had won at home since 1918, which meant that fans were legally required to riot. As the team charged the field after the final out, Series MVP David Ortiz was wearing a helmet. Not a batting helmet, a helmet the style that skateboarders and some motorcyclists wear. This whole concussion safety thing may be going a bit far.
Halloween is always kind of hit-or-miss for me. Either I’m into it that year, or I more or less act like it doesn’t exist. There are years when I’m thinking about my costume weeks in advanced, and then there are years where I wonder if I can just ignore the trick-or-treaters at the door and keep the candy for myself.
I have no idea what I did last year, which probably means I did nothing. So it made sense that this year would be the opposite. Fellow Guy Rick Snee and his wife, SG webmistress Julie, hosted a costume party at their place over the weekend. It got bloody, it got creepy, I drank something out of a test tube I hope was alcohol, and someone brought a bottle of absinthe. In other words, it was an all-around success.
What do you get when you combine the an arena in New York, a Halloween themed event held for the public, underage teenagers, underage drinking and public underage fornication? Obviously, the correct answer to that equation is an event that gets shut down early.
But! What if you throw a low flying helicopter that decides to land around people into the mix while officers are shutting down the party?
We all wear masks. Some of us put on the mask of a joker to hide internal turmoil and insecurity. Others put on a mask of nerdiness because it’s easier to disguise you’re stupid by watching a lot of Star Trek instead of reading a goddamn book.
But, as Kierkegaard posited, “a midnight hour comes when everyone has to take of his mask.” But, what if Kierkegaard was wrong? What if the choice of mask itself tells us pretty much everything we need to know?
Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).
I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).
Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.
Ho-boy, creationists just became the top of Chris Taylor’s Poop List. New York City’s Department of Education has announced words that it may ban in all standardized testing for its schools. Two examples are “birthday” and “Halloween,” and don’t get me wrong, those are big words to ban, especially because of potentially offending religions.
But there’s another word that’s being bandied about as being banned and that is an action that cannot be condoned: dinosaur.
EVERY SINGLE BOY BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 58 LOVES DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs were the most amazing creatures ever as a child. To ban their use, simply to not offend creationists, a form of religion that science has proven to be stupid, is offensive to me.
Make the smart move NYDoE: don’t ban the dinosaur.