Creationists officially become my new enemies of the week

Ho-boy, creationists just became the top of Chris Taylor’s Poop List. New York City’s Department of Education has announced words that it may ban in all standardized testing for its schools. Two examples are “birthday” and “Halloween,” and don’t get me wrong, those are big words to ban, especially because of potentially offending religions.

But there’s another word that’s being bandied about as being banned and that is an action that cannot be condoned: dinosaur.

EVERY SINGLE BOY BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 58 LOVES DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs were the most amazing creatures ever as a child. To ban their use, simply to not offend creationists, a form of religion that science has proven to be stupid, is offensive to me.

Make the smart move NYDoE: don’t ban the dinosaur.

Sensible costumes just make sense

If you’ve already found your Halloween costume, good for you … unless it’s offensive to somebody. Then you only have 20 days to replace it with something everyone will enjoy.

CNN blog, The Chart, is on the case regarding discontinued (since 2007) costume, Anna Rexia. While it still shows up occasionally in stores because apparently nobody bought it, those same stores have removed it from their shelves. Still, if you didn’t have the chance to be offended four years ago, CNN and — now we — have found an image of it.

As a reminder, any costume from a movie that doesn’t recreate our first viewing experience of said movie is offensive for destroying our childhoods.

(Special thanks to Sarah Lena for the story.)

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Tokyo Zombie’

If you see a woman force her husband to bury his mother up to her neck, then proceed to punt her head a mile into the air, you’re probably watching a Japanese horror movie. In this specific case, it’s Tokyo Zombie, a wacky farce by Sakichi Satô based on a manga of the same name. And it’s good, in that awesomely quirky kind of way. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Tokyo Zombie’

The McBournie Minute: The party’s not over until several people die

When last we spoke, dear reader, I was unsure if I was going to be alive to write this entry. I am pleased to announce that I am not in fact dead. Actually, I survived the murder mystery party on Halloween. However, as if by some strange coincidence, the party was frought with … murder.

The place: a speakeasy in Chicago. The time: 1920. I walked in to a “house” and gave the password to let them know I was allowed in. I Rhett Bumbler (I didn’t choose the name) and my fiancée in the game Rebecca Ravioli (because I dig skirts with food-related names), who is my girlfriend in real life, were not all we appeared to be. I was a horrible gambler, which was not a hard act for me, but that was only my cover. In truth, I was a hitman sent by the New York families to find out why their share was so small. When I found the source, my job, presumably, was to hit it, because you see, killing’s my game. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The party’s not over until several people die

The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

It’s Halloween time, that means everyone will have costume pictures on the Facebook profiles in a week we are half way through the Christmas shopping season it’s nearly time to party. Yours truly may not survive Halloween because I will be going to a murder party. Having never been to one before, I’m not sure what level of make-believe is. So if it comes down to them or me, my hunting knife ought to win out. I bought a fedora for my costume the other day, not because I am going to be Don Draper for Halloween, but the party is supposed to be a 1920s speakeasy. I plan to draw on my college experience to play the part of drinking in secret.

But still, because it’s that time of year, things are getting lame brands of spooky, mostly television and theme parks. We have to accept that they are getting faux-creepy, but sometimes they go a little over the top. I can put up with horror movie marathons and the New York Yankees in the World Series to give me the heeby-jeebies, but commercials are where I draw the line.

DirecTV has recently launched a few new famous movie scene re-dub commercials where they pay semi famous people like Naomi Watts. This time around they’re smacking us around with some action from David Spade–not that we asked for it or anything. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

Can we end this stupid vampire trend already?

It’s October, and fall is in the air. But in Ohio, there is more than just that. There is also apparently some *sigh* vampirical vapors in the area.

In a Halloween-themed wedding, a 61-year-old and a 44-year-old got married. The bride and groom were married dressed like vampires. They even had the ceremony at a haunted house.

“Holsinger arrived in a coffin inside a hearse, and the coffin was carried to the altar by six pallbearers. Minister Greg Kopp was dressed as Jason in the Friday the 13th movies.”

Ug. What is it with old people these days.

The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

For the past several weeks, Congress has been handing out money like candy on Halloween. (Technically, it’s been doing this since 1787, but let’s stick to today.) Banks, car manufacturers and the banks again have put on their best costumes and knocked on Congress’ door. Lawmakers have been only too happy to give what the executives want, mostly because they look so cute in their little outfits.

Since the Congressional lottery continues, I have come up with a few other things that are worth of billion-dollar bailouts. Should I ever be called to testify, I would be happy to make my case. Until then, this new device, this series of tubes will have to do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

Teenager Power!

No pizzas can save you now! NONE!

Not one adolescent male hated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 80s. They were easily part of the five figure groups for boys toys. I’ll easily admit that even I dressed up as one for Halloween. Turtles were awesome.

However, playing TMNT back then was acceptable. Playing TMNT now just gets you lost in sewers. Especially if you’re 17. And living in Queens. I mean, if you reside there, then Spider-Man should be your hero, not the turtles. Everyone knows that they resided under Brooklyn.

Probably the coup-de-gras of the situation was posted by one of the police officers:

“These three idiots were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wanted to go into the sewers,” said one police source. “They were never in danger, just goofing off and being stupid.”

You know you’ve messed up bad when a police officer is belittling you in a public forum.

An alliance forged in Hell

What’s scarier than animals or satanic worship? Animals and satanic worship.

Zoos around the country are encouraging children to dress as witches and Neil Cavuto and “trick or treat” on their grounds. Moronic parents are all for it because they “see the parties as a safer alternative to knocking on the doors of strangers.”

Some zoos even brought in child psychologists to make sure the displays aren’t too damning scary.

OK, so your kid walks up to a door at the zoo, it opens and just as they say “trick or treat” —

Well, isn’t that safe and not scary? The worst part is that the animals have struck another blow against our population and the kid goes to Hell because their last moments were spent in devilish mischievory.

Way to go parents. And shame on you, zoos.

How To: Throw a par-tay

We all want to be popular, and the quickest way to popularity is to throw a party. Correction: not just a party, but the most righteous shindig the world/your town has ever seen! Some people would say you need to walk before you run, but when did walking ever get your face on a Wheaties box? That is why The Guys are here to teach you how to throw a par-tay.

Continue reading How To: Throw a par-tay